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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him to stop contacting me despite the awful situation

22 replies

evanian · 19/07/2023 10:49

Me and my ex split up 2 years ago. It was amicable but ultimately his decision. When we were together his child became very ill and I supported him through this. Just after we split up they got the all clear. We've had the odd text over the last few years to check in on his child.

Fast forward to now and I'm single whereas he's had a new partner for about a year. My ex contacted me a few weeks ago to let me know that his child is once again very poorly and this time is not likely to get better. I'm of course very upset.

The difficultly now is that he keeps contacting me. I have expressed my sadness at what is happening but beyond that I don't think we should be texting. I now get messages asking how I am and what have I been up to recently.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable in thinking this needs to stop but equally due to the situation maybe I should be offering support?Although shouldn't this be from his current partner?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 19/07/2023 10:54

If it's purely about the child, who was once a big part of your life and you've stayed in touch about, if only occasionally, I don't see it as a problem - unless you're not interested in the child's welfare - but even if you aren't, telling him that could come over as a bit harsh.

blahblahblah1654 · 19/07/2023 10:59

I would stay in touch but not regularly about your own lives, it would be just to check in and see how his son is doing. I would try and deflect things back when he keeps asking about you. If you've broken up he really needs to be getting more support from other sources. You were around when his son was unwell before so it's comforting for him to contact you, but not fair on you at the same time

Daphnis156 · 19/07/2023 11:05

I'd say it's a situation you should stay well out of.
For example will he be ending up wanting to see you, or you see the child?

As you say, this isn't now your role, so perhaps keep it cool, supportive, but not encouraging.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/07/2023 11:08

Anytime he texts you asking how you are etc, either ignore or divert the conversation to his child, also only respond to updates about the child ( if you want to ) keep doing that and he should get the message you're only bothered about the child.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/07/2023 11:09

This is one reason I never wanted to be a step parent. You're expected to act like a parent to them and then when the relationship ends, the relationship with the child ends, too.

It sounds as though you were a great comfort to him when his child was ill before and he's looking to you now for that comfort. I would base my decision on how much I'd loved the child.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/07/2023 11:10

I'm sure I'll be slaughtered for the above, but all I mean is if I'd been really close to the child and the relationship with the guy hadn't been toxic, then I'd be there for him now.

Lobelia123 · 19/07/2023 11:12

This sounds like he wants to use you as an emotional support / crutch through this crisis again. You were with him through the earlier situation and he knows youre caring and supportive....but the fact is that is no longer your role in his life, its the mother of the child and his current partner's. This is one of those situations that can really blow up....I would kindly but firmly keep my distance.

Taylorswiftly23 · 19/07/2023 11:12

‘Sorry to hear things are so difficult. I hope you and ( partners name) have lots of support around you-it’s really important to look after yourselves and each other as well. Take care and thanks for letting me know’

TheEponymousGrub · 19/07/2023 11:14

It's very upsetting, OP and I think I would also want to limit the conversation to updates about the child. Would you want to see them or just to know what's happening? Is it possible to have that limited interaction and at the same time ignore/reject all other suggestions of contact?

Original poster

evanian · 19/07/2023 11:17

I could be wrong but I have a strong suspicion that his current partner doesn't know that he's contacting me. I don't want to create any kind of drama. I'd of course like to see the child but I'm not sure that would be a good idea considering my suspicions.

OP posts:

Lobelia123 · 19/07/2023 11:22

Your update suggests that this awful news has thrown up a kind of emotional reaction thats taken him right back to when it happened before and the time when you were very much on the scene and part of the whole rollercoaster of events and emotions. The subconcious is powerful. I think your instincts are right, its sad - even tragic and heartbreaking, but can only be made worse by all the messiness stirred up by him reacting without thought / recklessly / not being honest with his partner / involving you in some kind of desperate triangle you never asked to be part of etc... You are thinking with a cool head and the objectivity given by a bit of distance...honestly OP, I think everyone may have cause to look back and thank you for that down the line.

Coka · 19/07/2023 11:26

Its kind of understandable that if you supported him before then he ls seeking that support again. I would support him but any sign of anything innapropriate i would shut down and possibly withdraw support.

TheGasBoard · 19/07/2023 12:05

Taylorswiftly23 · 19/07/2023 11:12

Excellent response and makes it clear you're concerned but keeping an appropriate distance.

AutieNOT0tie · 19/07/2023 14:12

I imagine that he sees you as a link and feels a connection because of the support you gave him previously. I would gently say you are so sorry for him but he needs to be supported by his partner and family.

billy1966 · 19/07/2023 14:15

TheGasBoard · 19/07/2023 12:05

Excellent response and makes it clear you're concerned but keeping an appropriate distance.

Show quote history

This.

Sad and all as it is, he's looking for a crutch.

Don't be used.

blahblahblah1654 · 19/07/2023 14:15

Taylorswiftly23 · 19/07/2023 11:12

This is a very good response

toochesterdraws · 19/07/2023 14:16

Seems that he may be in a very bad place emotionally, and perhaps his new partner is not able to support him in the way that he needs right now. Maybe do what you can and offer a listening ear, but set boundaries if it all gets too much for you.

Clymene · 19/07/2023 14:18

toochesterdraws · 19/07/2023 14:16

No. She owes him nothing.

TeddySunflowers · 19/07/2023 14:26

Taylorswiftly23 · 19/07/2023 11:12

I think this is spot on. You shouldn't feel pressured to support him because of the past. If you're not comfortable then it is okay to gently apply some boundaries.

Ponderingwindow · 19/07/2023 14:33

If you have an amicable relationship, you can still have a friendship with an ex. Just ask him if he is being open with his new girlfriend about the situation.

i still text with my XH from time to time. We have no children so it’s just friendly. I used to tell my DH about every interaction. I would also remind him he is free to read our exchanges if he wants. He never has and finally asked me to stop bothering to tell him about every conversation. He only wants to know if they are interesting because it’s boring otherwise. We have been doing this for nearly 20 years now. The key is being open about the relationship.

Original poster

evanian · 19/07/2023 20:11

We were only together for a few years so I don't think there's any need to have a friendship as such!

OP posts:

billy1966 · 19/07/2023 20:21

evanian · 19/07/2023 20:11

We were only together for a few years so I don't think there's any need to have a friendship as such!

So don't, send the text wishing them well and mute him.

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