to think a school change would be the worst thing right now?

[MarmeeMarch4]

DD1 just turned 12, and is finishing year 7. She's had a happy childhood, stable in terms of love/family support, no major traumas, and has always been a happy girl with lots of interests and friends. However, after moving to a new primary school in year 3 and suddenly finding she was a lot shyer than she thought, and then experiencing lockdown in year 4, I think she found it very daunting when we decided (in the middle of year 5) to relocate and move closer to grandparents/aunties/uncles on both sides of the family. Just as we arrived, the second lockdown was announced, and we had to stay with grandparents for the duration while our house sale/purchase went through. By the time she started her new school in March, I was about to have another baby and she had to start preparing for the Kent Test (11+) and planning for yet another school move in year 7. To top it all off, her periods started when she was still only 10 (in year 6), and right about then a bunch of mean girls made her feel self-conscious about her body (they said she was fat, but she's actually 25th centile for height and weight, so this had no bearing on reality whatsoever, but it still really upset her).

Anyway, she now goes to a really nice secondary school at the end of her road. But she is deeply unhappy. It started with constant dizziness and anxiety in September. She has sever's disease in her foot meaning that, for this whole year, she hasn't been able to play sports or do much exercise, even though she used to be a really active kid - and that hasn't helped at all as she has struggled with appetite and sleeping. Then she started skipping meals. When we discovered what she was doing, she moved onto bingeing and vomiting. We've been through the eating disorder service, who determined (and I agree) that she doesn't actually having a full-blown eating disorder but is using food/withdrawal from food as a technique for managing emotions. When we started investigating support for this, she moved onto cutting her arms and thighs. She is frequently extremely hostile, especially towards me - and then for a few days will be back to her happy, loving self. She can't articulate why she feels so dark (she has a diary full of suicidal thoughts and hatred). It only ever comes back to the sadness she felt at losing her friends at the old house (two hours away - she keeps in touch and visits occasionally) and her general feeling of being totally unsettled and not trusting that we're not going to just up sticks and move again (we're not).

Anyway, DH thinks we should just move her school. Her current school has organised counselling and been excellent on the pastoral side, but is a bit soulless and maths/science/sportsy whereas she is a very English/history/music/drama/geography kid ... she goes to a grammar school, and there's another one in the next town with spaces (we checked).

I just think the root cause of this is too much change. DD doesn't want to move schools (though she did request a class change, which was - for good reason - denied). She isn't happy in her friendship group as she feels too loud, too physically big, is the only one who has really hit puberty, etc, and they're very shy, quiet, sweet, hardworking girls (of course I'd love it if she just felt she fitted in with them, but she doesn't). She isn't loud or streetwise enough for the more popular groups. But I feel like she needs to stick this out - the problem isn't her school, or her friends, but her fear that she can't trust that things are solid and stable. I just think another change would be the absolute worst thing right now. DH thinks we should just cut and run, and give her a chance at happiness somewhere else. AIBU?

I should add that my original post just seems so bright and breezy. But this has been just so heartbreaking and terrifying. I think the tone of my post comes from the fact that I'm trying to condense so much that has happened into something of a manageable size to read. But I'm so sad and scared for my beautiful girl and I have no idea how to help or reach her sometimes.

It doesn't sound like school is the root of the problem and the fact that she doesn't want to move - given that she's already had, in her mind, so much change - is relevant I think. Even if her current school isn't ideal, the fact that the pastoral care is good and they are offering counselling is a positive. Moving elsewhere could be a case of out of the frying pan, into the fire. It sounds like there are a lot of issues at play which would be helpful to try and resolve before creating even more upheaval for her. Sorry I don't have any better advice.

Thank you - you just articulated my thoughts exactly. Thank you

I’ve got an autistic 12 year old girl - what does DD think will help? What matters most is what she’s willing to buy into. If she’s that sad, do you have any options for reducing the time she’s in school for, for a while?

i am sure that she needs to buy into any solutions, and that’s the key thing. So many of us have to accept that that feeling of ‘not fitting’ comes from us and that a lack of self esteem, social skills, and self acceptance (and I’m sure other things) can be behind it.

Another school change isn’t necessarily a bad idea if your dd thought it would help but if she’s in crisis mode I wonder if you need to go slower and see what she feels is best.

much sympathy that all sounds very hard. I was bulimic as a teen and I’ve talked to many people with eating disorders and they are often a bad way of coping with negative emotions - a bit bizarre that that doesn’t seem to be a proper eating disorder.

Yes - you squarely say emotional regulation is the main issue here and everything else is a manifestation of that.

we tried to move my dd when she was 8 and we had to abandon the idea due to such terror that it was making her violent - and that’s when we pursued the ASD.

but we did move her school - I agree I felt too that her inability to cope with some bad feelings was the main issue too but a fresh start that she chose did help. But she didn’t suddenly become someone else, she still struggles with emotional regulation but we expect less, demand less, and having that control did help her.

I think you should consider her dreams and aspirations. I think she doesn’t want to move schools out of fear of it getting even worse. I think a school that doesn’t teach subjects she has a passion to learn is a mistake.

I’d start sitting with her and talking about things she’d like to do and study. Perhaps her going on a tour of the other school your DH mentioned isn’t a bad idea. Or even researching & touring more schools than that. I think her fear has a lot to do with lack of control, you just upped sticks and moved and likely put her in this school with her having no say in it.

Give her more agency in her life.

Oh god I'd be moving back to wherever she was happy in a heartbeat. No matter what I had to do to make it happen. When she struggled with the first move why on earth did you put her through another one a couple of years later? And now DH is thinking moving her yet again might be the answer?

She's deeply unhappy, an eating disorder (or what sounds very like one to me - you can quibble if you like but eating disorders are never actually about eating are they?), self harming, suicidal thoughts. For gods sake take her back where she was happy.

From what you have described I don't think moving schools is the answer.

If she doesn't want to move then I think it's incredibly important to show her that you will listen to her wishes on this.

I would prioritise finding an extra-curricular space where she feels herself and can find her tribe. I was deeply unhappy for a period at school but took real solace in Guides. Given her interests, I would look for theatre groups, writers' groups (try local libraries), music ensembles etc. Good luck.

Thank you all - so much of what you say helps. Except releasethecrackhen (you make some unfounded and unhelpful assumptions that I upped sticks without giving her control. In fact she was deeply excited about a move to the sea, nearer two sets of beloved grandparents and her cousins - but when you are 8/9 you don’t always know how it will actually feel in reality. She chose her secondary school herself and I agree very much with the other posters who say she needs to feel she has control/a strong say over any further changes. She has seen the other school and initially raised the issue of a change - which is why we investigated it - but now wants to stay put.) I really like the idea of probing further into what she wants from a change and what she wants from staying. We have tried but I realise as I type this I don’t have a clear sense of it

The extra-curricular point is a good one and one we really have been working with her on. She loves music but a lot of that is solo (singing and piano) - but has found a band at the local music centre she loves going to. We need more of that. It has been difficult to find this with her issues with her foot as she used to do rock climbing and gymnastics but can’t anymore

It’smyparty - the trouble is she’s not the only person in the family, and there are multiple reasons we moved. It cannot now be undone and actually, the idea she was happier before is a complex one when she was 7/8 and is now 12. Most of the friends she had have moved on, and those she keeps in touch with are all at different secondary schools. There’s no easy reverse on this. We also couldn’t afford to keep living in that area without me working full time, which we couldn’t do without some additional support - which we now have in the form of family and extended networks. I work 3.5 days and my husband is a full-time teacher

Ps I agree about ‘quibbling’ on the eating disorder. What I meant was, she actually isn’t losing weight, isn’t doing these things consistently (she has weeks of eating normally, then might make herself sick twice, then has a week or two of skipping as many meals as she can, then eats normally again - so although this is in no way healthy and signals an eating disorder, they could not diagnose her with anorexia or bulimia and rather considered it a mode of self-harm, which is consistent with everything else. Not that that makes it better in any way)

I agree with this.

My ds saint settle into year 7 (for a variety of reasons) and the school weren't supportive.

He wanted to move and we moved him for year 8. For him it was best but it was the decision he made and what he wanted.

If you dd doesn't want to move you are adding another reason for her to be unhappy even if she can't find the happiness she deserves where she is right now.

itsmyp4rty I don't need to justify my decisions here but the first move was a normal move at year 3, and she didn't 'struggle' - she just discovered she was shyer than she thought and it took her a little while to find her groove. She wanted to move in year 5 - it was a massively exciting idea to move back to the place where two sets of grandparents and ten cousins all live, right by the sea (she has always loved the beach). We moved for the same reasons many people move: we needed more financial and emotional support, it's a cheaper area, we wanted to be closer to family, and we felt we could give our children a better life where we could spend more time with the kids rather than chasing our tails in a posh bit of Bucks just trying to pay the mortgage. Many, many of the changes we hoped for have been extremely positive for DD and the rest of us. And we could never have predicted that, just because she'd had some feelings of shyness, she would have found it this hard. The year 7 change again was one that naturally happens for all. But of course it was a lot of change on top of a lot of change, and we now need to help her with this.

The problem is that 'where she was happy' doesn't exist any more - it was her previous town 2-3 years ago, but those friends will have moved on.

Yes thanksithaspockets - and she is now a much older child. DD2 was a nervous, quiet child in the old place - she has absolutely flourished since we moved. We will never know if it’s because she loves it here - she has found an art group, lovely friends, loves it we have a garden now, confidently takes charge of her littler cousins - or because she was 6 and now she’s 9 and it would have happened anyway! Going back isn’t an option.

No, I can understand - the thing is just to talk and talk to your dd over time, to see what would make this new location work for her.

i’d go slowly on adding extras because new friends/groups initially can cause more stress and difficult feelings until it clicks.

on the better coping mechanisms and better emotional regulation - I’m assuming your dd has had input and counselling specifically on that? I know getting them to engage with it is the hardest part.

Are you able to get a full assessment and would she be willing?

Some of what you say mirrors my DD. We moved 18 months ago, complicated reasons but it wasn't optional. DD 12 at the time struggled massively. Short version she has recently been diagnosed with ASD. The best way both she and I can articulate it, is that when young and as she grew up she instinctively built scaffolding around her that helped her navigate the world. Early primary she found friendships happened naturally at school/neighbourhoods. Puberty, changing to secondary school etc made that scaffolding a bit wobbly but it was still in place but she began to be described as shy or anxious and she was, but then equally she would be confident in some situations- in hindsight these were areas where the scaffolding held the most. But the move to a new area and new school effectively ripped it all down and without any scaffolding her world became a place she couldn't control or manage. Some things like diet were things she could control and so she became very restrictive on food.

For your DD instead of piecing together support or fixing stand alone issues like her diet or self harming or her shyness, or looking at changing school - it may help to take a more holistic view and an assessment could help. However I know it's an emotive suggestion for some teenagers so you need to consider how to handle it. The school may be able to help here.

DD is now 14, slowly coming to a place of being able to articulate her boundaries and what she needs, she's found friendship groups and activities that give her confidence. But it's been a rollercoaster and I expect it to continue to be one especially around any big life changes such as Uni etc. but the assessment or 'label' as she calls it did help her and her feelings of control of her emotions and reactions.

Even if this doesn't resonate or you/her don't want to go down the assessment route, sending a big un-Mumsnetty hug to both of you.

Change can be very hard for kids and put into the mix covid and then puberty and she’s had a lot of challenges. You haven’t done anything wrong and it’s perfectly normal for a family to need to relocate. I think in your shoes I would definitely NOT move her to another school. It could be worse for her. Work on making her feel good about herself, spend time on hobbies and healthy exercise outside. I’m sure others have better ideas but I think the age is a really hard one for girls. It’s not your fault.

You might find this suggestion a bit annoying but could you get her a dog? They are so good as therapy animals. Someone for her to love and who will adore her back.

It sounds trite but I’ve known dogs be very wonderful for unhappy children.

time with animals if she likes them is very helpful - dog is a huge commitment I’d be wary of with a younger kid under 7 in the house and that work schedule.

notmystory thank you for the suggestion - I hadn’t thought of that at all but will certainly give it some thought and do some research

@nonotmystoryitshers I really liked your post too! You've described the neurodiverse experience of transitions really articulately.

Thank you. Been a steep steep learning curve for the whole family but I'm so proud of who she is becoming.

Marmee it's bloody tough when your child is struggling. Obviously your priority is going to be her but be kind to yourself too.