To expect stbxh to take responsibility for the dc

[cadburyegg]

I am finding it immensely stressful that my ex sees his time with the dc as "fun time" and just swings in and out for the fun stuff and I am expected to cover the rest.

During the summer holidays, he is having them for 12 days in total spread across the 6 weeks. Out of these 12 days, 8 of them are days he would have them normally, so he has them 4 days extra than usual. I have taken annual leave and/or organised and paid for childcare for all the other days.

I asked him to confirm the times he was going to pick up / drop off, we have a joint calendar which we use. His response was that at the moment it's fine but he's job hunting so things might change.

I just find it so frustrating that I am expected to jump in and sort it if he changes jobs and his plans fall through. It is immensely stressful. I changed jobs this year too, at the beginning of the Easter holidays, so I had to sort childcare at late notice and inform my new managers of my annual leave accordingly. I didn't expect my ex to jump in and make arrangements for them when it was my choice to change jobs.

AIBU?? Can I make him understand that he is also responsible for the children and needs to factor this in to decisions he makes??

You see to me that sounds really stressful.

But there are many on MN who would find this a breeze and can't see why you are complaining

You can’t make him is the answer.

I try very hard not to ask my ex to do anything. That way when he steps up it is a bonus but otherwise I keep my sanity.

Just stick to the plan and if he changes jobs cross that bridge when you come to it. You can’t plan for vagueness so don’t try.

Perhaps the best thing is to reply that you have now booked all your annual leave to cover the dates agreed, and may not be able to make changes, and point him at local holiday clubs.

I’m going to assume from this comment that you aren’t a single mum because if I tried this with my ex-h he simply wouldn’t collect the children or be present for me to drop them off if it interfered with his plans.

OP - you are not unreasonable to expect you ex to do more but you will drive yourself insane

You shouldn’t have to parent by yourself, but years of experience tells me this is the way forward. I plan mine and the kids’ life without any input from their father and if he turns up (and it’s convenient for us) the kids go.

I found changing my apporach to this causes me a lot less now.