For not wanting to make more plans with (ex)friends?

[Summerhappy]

Up until a year ago, I had some great local friends. There has been the odd issue but we always worked it out and we supported each other through the early kid years. I’ve seen them drop other people but thought we were friends for life.

Then we started drifting apart as kids got older, everyone’s dealing with busy lives (you know how it is) and tbh our kids don’t naturally get along. I really tried to keep in touch but got less and less back. Every time we arrange to meet up, they cancel, about several times in a row now, so haven’t seen them for nearly a year, and it’s a pain because we’re so busy otherwise I could have used that time to do something else and not have disappointed/bored kids. Pretty sure one of them‘s blocked me on FB! They don’t text in between trying to arrange meet ups and I’ve stopped initiating contact.

I’ve asked if we can talk about whether there’s a problem but they say it’s fine. I have cried many times about it, feel so hurt and lonely, but am coming to an acceptance with it and working on making other friendships.

Now they’re suggesting to make more group plans. I’d love to see them but AIBU to think there’s no point making more plans because they’ll just cancel again? DH says I should wipe the slate clean, which I’d be very happy to in terms of whatever’s happened between us, I’m just thinking they’ll cancel again. Is there anything else I can do to repair the friendships?

PS As you can tell, I genuinely don’t really understand why this has happened. I’ve gone over it a million ways and blamed myself for this, that and the other. I’m sure I’m not perfect. But I don’t really know and apart from trying to discuss it with them I don’t know what else I can do. Maybe they got fed up and don’t like conflict so don’t want to tell me. Or we’re not suited. I guess I think they’ve been also been shitty, if only in the way they’ve handled it, and honestly I can’t see how we’d ever have a close friendship again.

If you've asked them and they haven't responded and claim everything is fine there really isn't anything else you can do. If you wanna see them again then you will have to put yourself out there.

Personally I've been on both ends, one where a similarly close friend distanced herself from me and more recently where I've distanced myself from a friend.

When my friend distanced herself from me, I was very hurt and also cried. I repeatedly asked what the issue was and she insisted it was nothing. Now we speak once every 3 months and she acts like nothings changed and I go along with it. I've come to accept this is just how our relationship will be now and I'm okay. So now I don't call or text and when she reaches out I answer if I want to or leave it if I can't be bothered. I basically don't care for our friendship and it's been better that way.

The one who I distanced from has asked me repeatedly if everything is okay. And it isn't tbh. She has no boundaries and I'm done with her doing things like leaving her kids with me impromptu etc. I'll never tell her why I'm don't tbh cos she won't receive it well and ultimately I think that's why my friend won't tell me what her problem was.

Sad but hey, that's life.

I agree with your DH, don't bother with them again.

Let them organise something and tell them you’ll commit closer to the time. Work out how you feel about it on the day of. Let them know.

do they make arrangements without you has life just got in the way generally?

I’ve just been through this it’s so hurtful and I don’t know what the answer is
I think you need to decide whether to bother but be mindful that there’s a chance it won’t happen and be cancelled yet again
pp good idea to wait and decide near the time

Yes, we all used to have the same days off but then theirs changed and they continue to see each other regularly. Plus some of their kids are at the same school so they have that in common now. I don’t know how deliberate it is that they don’t see me any more but then they don’t reach out in between. I’m confused why they still try to make holiday plans though, and then keep cancelling, like where to do I stand?!

Sorry my last message was a reply to this.

Thanks everyone so far. It feels really helpful to be able to talk about this.

If your kids don't really get along is there much point in trying to meet up with them?

Honestly if they have different days off and their kids are at a different school I’d probably believe them when saying there’s not an issue. Life with multiple children is 110 miles an hour, especially if also juggling a job, after school activities etc. Term
time is hectic, kids get sick or birthday party invites and plans change. If they are suggesting meeting go over the summer I’d go with it and see what happens.

DD just finished year 1 and her friend and my closest Mum friend left at the end of reception to homeschool. I organised the girls to do a days holiday camp together once, and we met once for a play but I’m busy and tired and it’s no longer easy to pop to park after school on my day off. I’ve messaged and suggested getting together over the summer as kids off school, no clubs etc so it’s easier.

I honestly doubt it’s malicious but with different days off and different schools it’s now harder to socialise during term
time…

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Personally I would cut ties if they don't contact you/keep in touch in between meet ups and they cancel plans. It doesn't seem like you're getting anything out of the friendship 😔 and if your kids don't really get on then there's no point in making the effort for them to see their 'friends'. Do you have other friends? Do you do play dates with your kids friends? I'd focus on those instead.

My sister used to hang out with 2 women and their first kids, then my sister and 1 other friend in the grp had their 2nd kid at the same time and the 3rd woman did feel left out, But my sister & friend talked to her about it, included her in chats outside of the maternity leave meet ups, still met up on weekends and we're supportive and lovely to her. Your friends don't sound like proper friends. Plus you've said they've done this to other people before, they don't sound nice x

Seems like you are/were a mum friend, and now that the kids don’t particularly get on, and life is busy they do t have the time/ use the time to meet up with more current mum friends?
they make plans until something else comes along (and there always is… kids parties, play dates, etc).

Please don't waste your time feeling hurt or asking them what you have done wrong. It isn't you. It is them. You have seen them drop other people, now they have dropped you. You could get back with them, but what is the point? They will drop you again because that is who they are.

It’s hard because life stuff does interfere with things and if they’ve said there’s no issue there really may not be. How old are the kids do they choose who they see?

I think your second message answered your question before anyone else could, OP.

You've seen them drop other people, so your instinct is right that you should remain nonchalant and not overthink this or channel too much emotion into it. As you ask if there's any way to repair these friendships, I suspect this is more about what you don't do than what you do. Don't keep pressuring them to tell you what's wrong. It puts you in the weaker position and suggests you care too much. Don't seem desperate for their friendship. And don't try to make them like you; that's bound to have the opposite effect.

If they make further group plans, let it all drift on in the background, but don't invest too much in them. If it happens as arranged, fine; if not, well that's fine too. Let it work itself out.

Some friendships are transitory. I liked the mums I knew from DC's babyhood very much: no one fell out or had a problem with anyone else. But as you've found, life gets in the way and eventually everyone moved on. That's okay.

I tend to remain on the periphery of friendship 'groups' and invest my time in the individual people I care about.

Thanks so much everyone. I think maybe I was asking for permission to let go and you lovely lot have given me that.

It’s so helpful to realise we were ‘mum friends’ and life’s moved on for whatever reason and kids not getting on probably is a big factor. Maybe we’ll have some kind of friendship in future, but it’s time for me to let go of what we had before now. We moved to the area when my first was a baby so I met all my friends through parenting.

Also groups are so tricky! Some of it’s still like playground stuff. I can understand those of you who prefer to stay on the periphery!

I was complaining to my mum earlier that this means I don’t have any close friends left and she said something a bit poetic that not every part of life will be summer. So maybe this is like winter, ok I don’t have any close friends, but I can focus on the kids and resting, and in time make new friends. It won’t always be like this. That felt quiet liberating.

It does make me think, maybe non-mum friends would be the way forwards, with shared interests outside of parenting…

Just a follow up post, I woke up so sad and feeling rejected this morning. It’s so hard. 😢

It does make me think, maybe non-mum friends would be the way forwards, with shared interests outside of parenting…

Of my six closest female friends: one I grew up with and have known since we were four. One is a former colleague I worked with for a couple of years, but is now the closest friend I have and someone I could trust with everything. One is a colleague - not from my workplace but who works closely in the same research field. Two are DH's university friends who, along with their husbands, have been our friends ever since those days. And one is a lawyer from DH's firm.

I haven't met any of my closest friends through parenthood - I like the mums in the village and our kids do play dates but that's about it . These friends come from many other walks of life and have a wide range of interests, some of which chime with mine, some of which don't! The university friends are a group of three couples, including us. That's the only thing really resembling a 'friendship group', but we do things independently with both couples.

Of them all, only the lawyer and one of the two university friends are mums. We rarely talk about parenting or kids.

Op Ive been there myself its lousy. Had a cousin who dropped me as fast when she got back working. My friend job shares hard pin her to dates. Another school mam is away now. Def harder as we get older. Your husb is right. Who wants friends that keep cancelling.