Friend doesnt value me

[Themermaidspool]

I have known sarah for a long time. In the past 6 years shes moved across country had a child and had some marriege difficulties.

Last summer she said she wanted to go on a sightseeing trip in the new year and she talked about how difficult it was to get some friends to agree to go. I said that didnt matter - id go with her whenever in the new year. She comes up with 2 dates in the new year and puts in it the group chat. They are two i cant do, i ask if there are any others. At which point she had had positive responses from others and says 'sorry majority wins.' Im a bit pissed off she wouldnt even consider looking at other dates but eventually get over myself.

Im often on fringe of the whole of this group but closer to a few. (If relevant).

In spring we discuss camping. She asks if we would go to a well known family music festival near her. Book tickets.
I ask for help with my tent - theres her in her tent, 2 others in a 6 berth and me. Plus little children. The other 6 berth is going home sun. I have a 6 berth tent and mention several times i need help. Looking back now she never specifically offers it but is staying till the mon. Now shes not as another friend has asked for her help mon morn and she only lives 20 mins from the venue.
This leaves me in the shit cos i cant get the massive tent down by myself.
I feel like shes a selfish friend. She wont go out of her way to consider me but wants me to do things she wants to do whilst making it clear she prioritises other friendships more.
AIBU?

It sounds like she regards it as a casual ‘both members of the same loose group’ friendship, but you think she’s asking you individually to do things?

I don’t think she did anything wrong re the NY trip. She was clear about a trip she wanted to do, you said you’d go ‘whenever’, but it turned out you couldn’t and others could.

Honestly, also, I’d never go to a festival with a tent I couldn’t take down myself without help from other people who are not also staying in it! People come and go.

It just sounds as if you view her as an individual friend who should be looking out for you, but she sees you as just another group member.

Based on those two examples I can't see what she did wrong?

She arranged a trip away - you said you would go but actually wasn't free

You expect her to fit in with your plans for a festival so she can help you.

The first one no one is unreasonable. The second one you were unreasonable for expecting help instead of asking.

I had asked her several times in the group chat. She had not responded - im not sure if that was on purpose because she didnt want to help or just because group chats move fast.

I think youre right - im hurt because i thought we had a closer friendship than we actually do and when i ask her to compromise she wont. Which i feel she should do because its what i would do and have done in the past for her.

Regarding the trip away - we had said we would go the two of us and organise it then put it in the group chat but it was done the other way round which meant i couldnt do it. I think its a case of inferred nuance.

I guess my lesson is to take a step back.

I don’t know… did you want her to cancel the group trip because you couldn’t go? Or move it to the day that you could go, so nobody else could? That’s quite a bit ask IMO. Also, why should she have to stay to help you put down your tent, or am I missing something? Can’t you just use a rent you can manage? She doesn’t sound especially selfish to me.

To be honest I'd not want to help lug & put up a massive tent I hadn't chosen and wouldn't be sleeping in. I'd assume people would sort themselves out.

I guess she suggested the holiday dates on when she could go and is pretty busy.

I think your response of taking a step back is perfect. She sounds friendly but you need to lower your expectations of her.

I think the problem is she's your priority friend and you're her convenience friend. In other words she likes you but she won't ever put herself out for you. Whereas you would make a special effort for her.

One of the hardest things I have had to recognise is which category I come in with my friends and then modify my behaviour accordingly. Those who think of me as convenience friends are still people I care about and enjoy spending time with. They are equally not people who I would drop everything to see or would pretzel myself to organise my life for. Those who I am mutually priority friends with are those I would put much more effort in for and so would they in return.

If it upsets you too much though then I would step back and devote more time and energy to those people who offer you more.

I think this is fair when theres more of you to help with kids etc - i would certainly not expect this if i had my partner with me. Shes only got one while the rest of us have more - hence the bigger tents. I am perfectly capable of getting the stuff there and back - and most of the putting it up. Its the poles and the preventing it billowing in the wind only - about 10 mins of work. I have been looking at buying other tents but (how many tents do you need?) also its going to rain so actually with young kids we do need somewhere dry inside to sit.
I think my expectations of friends are that you help each other out and clearly that isnt hers or many others either.

Greenberg has put it perfectly really! I am waaay more invested than she is and actually i need to stop changing my plans or doing ridiculous driving for someone who wont do that for me.
But im also lonely and at that point in friendships where 'im so busy' has become an excuse for poor friendships.