To want my mum to be a mum not everyone's therapist

[Iwishmymumwouldbemymum]

Ok I'm a middle aged woman (and a mother) myself so quite prepared to be told to get a grip.

Does anyone else have a mother who is a therapist and feels like they never get the mum treatment?

This has literally gone on for decades. A teenage boy would break my heart and I'd long for a tirade about what a bastard he is and instead I'd be reasonably and coldly told that things come to an end and this is simply how he chose to do it.

I had a traumatic week with my partner (not the first), the police were called and they told me to take DC to a family member. I literally felt ill at the thought of going to her house. I knew it would be an analytical conversation about what's happening instead of what i really wanted; hugs and reassurance.

Also, I feel things get turned around on me all the time.

If she insults me, my appearance, my achievements or whatever under the guise of humour and I say "please don't insult me" I'll get a sneery response like "oh is external validation very important?"

She's also said downright nasty things to me and when I've said to her later that it was hurtful she will counter with stuff like "that never happened. You are projecting".

It's exhausting, horrible and makes me feel like I don't count.

Can anyone relate?

OP your mum sounds utterly horrible – she’s not kind at all.

For whatever reason(s) – which are totally to do with her and nothing to do with you – she puts you down and undermines you.

She is not ‘committed to being fair, non-judgemental, unbias, removed’. She is unfair, judgemental, and in fact very biased in the things she says and the way she behaves towards you.

I feel really angry reading the sly comments and apparent glee she takes in putting you down.

I have a family member a bit like this and it took me well into my 30s to see it for what it is. When someone will not acknowledge what they’re doing and dresses underhand comments up as ‘jokes’, it can be really confusing and difficult to draw a clear line between what’s ok and what’s not, if your feelings are valid or not, and particularly when it’s someone you should be able to trust and be safe around such as your mum.

She does not behave like someone who is on your side.

If at all possible I would try and seek as much distance as you can manage. If you can afford it, seeing a therapist yourself might be useful (although of course it’s completely up to you whether this is something you feel comfortable with). If you did go down this route be aware that private therapy is unregulated and unfortunately the profession is rife with people who should not really doing it (a search for previous threads on mumsnet should give you an insight) – so if you do go down that route do watch out for the same sort of gas-lighty shit and don’t be afraid to keep looking until you find someone you feel comfortable with.

In the meantime, keep talking to us here. It can be so useful to get an outside perspective on something, especially when we’ve become used to experiencing a certain type of behaviour from someone.

Sorry, just to add, I don’t know what her motivation is or if she takes ‘glee’ in bring mean – just the way you’ve described the nature of the comments the laughing and pointing out the older actress, etc., ‘gleeful’ was just the adjective that sprang to mind.

Also really sorry to hear about your Dad.

A couple of posters have mentioned Leonard's mother in BBT. I cringe whenever she speaks, and it honestly spoils a programme I really enjoy watching.

I know it's acting but I imagine having to live with a mother having that vile attitude in real life must be horrendous.

My own mum was cold as ice, wouldn't even have listened to me, her son, if I had any problems. But if you went to the local pub? Completely different person and always willing to listen.

@Iwishmymumwouldbemymum , unfortunately, your mother has proven time and time again how she feels about you. Maybe she's jealous.

Are you fleeing domestic abuse?

That's your issue atm surely??

Well it’s possible to have more than one thing going on, and OP is asking for thoughts about the issue described with her mum, not about her domestic situation with the ex partner.

Sorry OP just spotted above – it sounds like you already see a therapist? (“I've noticed in therapy that I naturally do it myself all the time”). Apologies, missed that bit the first time!

Thanks for the support. Yes I go to therapy. Yes I'm navigating my exit from domestic abuse. I'm working with authorities and going through their recommended channels for court orders to get him out of the house.

About ten months ago, I packed up our child and went to my mum's for a break. I couldn't cope with my partner's behaviour but was also worried about him so asked some friends to check in on him. I explained all this to him, then wrote it all down for him too. He seemed ok with it but shortly after I left he started flipping out. He kept making wild accusations, I'd run off with my ex, I'd stolen our child, I was setting him up for a crime he didn't commit. He kept phoning and demanding to see our child to know she was 'safe' even when she was sleeping. Finally the third morning or him phoning and yelling at me I'd had enough and told him I'd phone him when were awake and to stop bullying me. When I went to buy petrol I discovered our joint account was empty and I was stranded. I flipped and phoned him yelling that he'd gone too far, that I was going to call the police and report him for all the other stuff he had done, that I'd tried to help but he was just abusing me. I was utterly distraught, exhausted, trying to hold a household together, run a business etc.

My mum intervened, said I couldn't get the police involved as they would take a sledgehammer approach, he's sick, then spent the next 48 hours calling every services person she could. I went along with it all for a few months, dedicating countless hours to getting him help but in the end as he finished all his treatment I noticed that things were slipping back to previous patterns of him abusing me, controlling me, gaslighting me etc. It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago, the police came and they tried to insist I went to my mum's as he has nowhere to go but the thought of it filled me with horror. I ended up going to a guesthouse and contacting women's aid.

Child services are involved, I've told them everything. I gave my mum's number as a person who is involved with our family. I don't know if they've been in touch but I have noticed she is extra frosty with me.

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. Your mother is enabling an abuser!

Have you considered going NC with her?

She sounds toxic.

What?

My mum is so kind to everyone outside of the household or family yet she is hard, spiteful and uncaring towards all of us. It's so weird. The way she literally changes her voice, attitude etc is scary.

What did they say?

That's nasty and manipulate not what a therapist would say, at least not a good one. If a therapist behaved like that I'd be replying them to their governing body. Maybe she can fake it with people that don't know her personally, but that's often how abusers behave, nice is public, nasty to their closest loved ones. It sounds like you might be her scapegoat.

Hi Op , your mum is horrible . Can you go NC with her ? Is she a narcissist ?

My DH is a bit like this with the adult DCs.
No matter what disaster befalls them, 'you have to put it behind you' and 'move on' no matter what it is, has no interest in discussing the problem as he gets impatient. He seems able to do this himself, but is selfish imv and not interested in other people. Can turn on the charm if need be so people see him in a quite different way. Only thing I've seen bother him is if he's belittled by someone senior.

@Iwishmymumwouldbemymum
It was drivel