To feel shit

[passionfruitpunch]

sorry, just posting this as frankly I feel so alone and wondered if anyone else has ever been in the same situation

im in my first year of my graduate professional job- I’m working on the job but still being trained on the job at the same time and taking professional exams, sort of like being a NQT teacher or doing a law diploma

I’ve never been so miserable, ever. I love the job but I feel like I’m rubbish at it. I’ve never felt so crap in my life- I’m tired, stressed out and I feel so alone in the world- as silly as that sounds. I cry everyday on the way home because im not good enough and now I feel stuck in this cycle of worrying that I’ll never be good enough. I don’t want to cry and be upset but everything feels so heavy on my shoulders

My parents have been so supportive and given so much to help me get here. My work supervisor has been so great too- he is tough but fair: he won’t sugarcoat things to save your feelings but won’t be nasty either. He never gives me criticism that isn’t deserved. But I always want to do well and exceed their expectations and make them say wow and have them pleased, but it never happens. I’m always making mistakes, doing things wrong and just letting everyone down. I feel like such a failure. I wish I could just do well and actually make them proud for once and I feel like such a burden to them

i take everything to heart and I’ve always been hard on myself but I don’t know how to not be. If I make a mistake I feel like it makes me a shit person and I’m a failure and worthless and everyone else would be better if I just quit, i know it doesn’t but it it feels like it and it’s as if my brain is bullying me

i can’t talk to my parents because they want everything to be perfect so they start freaking out and stressing out if I tell them I made a mistake - not cross with me, but more in a ‘oh my gosh what happens now?!’ type way. It sounds absolutely 💯 athletic at the age of 22 but I just want a hug and to not feel like such a failure, or a liability or just all round shit person

does anyone have any advice? Is this normal in a stressful new graduate job? I’m having a chilled out night before it all starts again tomorrow. Bath, face mask, washing my hair, watching a movie and eating chocolate strawberries. I just feel like I’m so shit at everything and I let everyone down

OP, I don't think that level of perfectionism is normal, no. One of the hardest thing about graduating into the 'real' world is that it's rarely possible to get 100%, gold star, wow. And as you move up the rungs of the ladder that kind of feedback becomes even less common.

Are you doing anything in your life besides work and study?

Can you share with your supervisor how you are feeling? It sounds like it would be helpful to get a bit of a reality check from him - how are you benchmarking against peers and previous years. What is his assessment of your strengths and weaknesses?

Do you get any kind of feedback from your line manager? (I would expect this to be the norm)

Does your employer or educational institution offer any kind of support programme?

I think frim.whatbyiu say you are trying to be a perfectionist. Thst is unattainable and exhausting. I am a teacher. In my NQT year it was awful. I felt like a fraud. I always expected simeito come in and say,'oi you what do you think you're doing?' I think it was because there were not many teachers from.working class backgrounds in teaching at the time. You are learning. Please cut yourself some slack. If you are living alone and having to sort out day to day living it makes the stress even worse. Make time for company.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself! It sounds like your parents’ attitude towards making mistakes could be skewing your perspective. It is normal, even essential to make mistakes while doing your training. Perfection is not achievable, or necessary.
Just try to make sure you learn from mistakes. It is better to make mistakes now than when you’re fully qualified.
I too graduated into a profession requiring years of initial training before being fully qualified, am now many many years in and my perspective is completely different. You may well be a bit of a burden at this stage in your career. One day you will be training other people, and it may feel like a burden on your time, that will be the time to give back, not now.
Don’t try to know everything now, use this time to learn and ask all the questions and make mistakes.
good luck! Don’t give up!

It’s utterly normal love. I had impostor syndrome for about a year into my current job and I’m old enough to be your mum. You’re learning tons of new stuff in a whole new environment. Just give it time - not only will you become more confident and secure, you’ll see others make huge mistakes and realise it’s not the end of the world.

I’m sure your parents are already proud of you even if they don’t show it, look at all you’ve achieved already by 22. Best of luck!

I can’t talk to my parents because they want everything to be perfect so they start freaking out and stressing out if I tell them I made a mistake

This stood out to me OP and sounds like it could be the root of the problem. It’s normal to make mistakes and get things wrong - that’s how you learn. If everyone was perfect when they started out there would be no progression.

You’re being awfully hard on yourself, unduly. Would you consider some counselling? CBT can be very helpful for this type of thing.

In the meantime, be gentle on yourself. Accept that you are still learning. They’ve hired you, you’ve presumably passed probation, and you are learning all the time.

Is it law?

Imposter syndrome is very real.

You sound like you are succeeding, objectively. Everything can always be improved so you’ll never have a supervisor not make changes. Especially if it is law.

Does your firm have an employee well-being scheme via which you can access counselling to improve your resilience and to deal with your anxiety?

I've never worked in any of the 'professions' OP, but I can tell you that whatever job you do, you will ALWAYS make mistakes, some minor, some major, but as others have said, this is how you learn. I wonder whether your parents have done anything like what you're doing, as if not, they're probably just scared for you when you screw up, but we all do it, and at the end of the day, if you find out that the job's not for you in the long term (which I don't think you will), it's all life experience, which at 22 you've barely started, and believe me, by the time you get to my age, (a lot older than you) you will realise that nothing is SO important in the long term that it's worth making yourself ill over. So do please try and relax a bit. I also think that a PP's suggestion of having a word with your supervisor to see if they think you're really as bad as you think you are, when compared with others in your role, is a good idea, as it may help you see that you're not so awful after all. Good luck although I'm sure you don't need it, you just need time to get used to things.

Reframe it @passionfruitpunch , your job right now is to be making mistakes and learning from it. Almost all of my professional mistakes have brought me greater knowledge by having to sort out my disaster and figuring out how to fix.