Arguments are awful

[TooMuchFighting]

My head is very jumbled but I have just had another aggressive argument with my partner in front of the kids (6 and 3.5). We began arguing on Friday evening and it's just gone on really. I am very fatigued - possibly perimenopausal (44), but certainly overwhelmed by work, kids, seclusion, landlord stuff... it's endless tbh and I'm not coping.

My partner and I live in simmering resentment, at least that's how I feel it. He denies this, which makes me feel I am being gaslit. We speak about practicalities but little else. He goes to bed when the kids go to bed - we don't spend evenings together.

When we argue he says vicious things, and actually I do too now. In the past he has pushed me, taken my phone off me, squeezed me until a rib cracked (not broken). I'm not frightened of him - I just have zero respect for him. I phoned the police once.

We're very different. He's barely computer literate so I do every single thing that requires a computer. This causes me resentment. Actually, the resentment going both ways is down to many, many different things.

I've become emotionally detached. I scream at my kids and don't recognise myself. I'm just so sad. I want him to leave but he won't. He's very hands-on with the kids - he barely works, which is a bone of contention. He wants to spend all his time with the kids - he's an older dad.

He says I am expecting too much from a relationship and it's not all romance. I think I have been expecting too little - I grew up in a single parent family and my mum never had relationships so I haven't seen what is 'normal.' There's also a drink element. He drinks every day and I hate it. Not to huge excess, just enough to become irritating and unhelpful at bedtime. He's sentimental about spending all this time with the kids but then I say he's drinking himself into a slow early death and less time with them.

I think I know I need to get out. This is a huge ramble. I just never get a chance to speak to my friends (I have great friends!) without a million kids around.

I'm worried about my children and I'm so tired of it all, physically and mentally. And time is short. I want a happier life.

Sounds so tough op. How much is he drinking? Is there an option for you leave him with the children? Are you close to his family?

You need to make a plan to leave

You need to separate. What are your options? Can you afford to move out? What is the house situation? Do you own together?

There is absolutely no question here that you need to part. Dig deep and be brave. You can do this. It will be hard but easier than this long, slow, painful half-life. You can do this knowing there is really no other option. You don't even like each other let alone love. It's just the practicalities now. Is there anywhere you can go? Friend or family?

You need a plan that ensures your safety. He's an abusive drinker and they are potentially dangerous even if you don't fear him.

It sounds like a toxic relationship and the 1s suffering the most are the kids.
I’m not being harsh but YOU know what to do and don’t need advice from MN.

You need to get your children out of this horrendous situation.

Honestly, although it may seem daunting planning to leave, after what you have just described feelings wise, it is already over for you. It is very difficult to come back after the resentment stage has set in. Plus him being physical with you, though you may not be scared of him.. it is wrong. Yourself and your children will thank you in the long run, once you have left x

He drinks maybe three / four cans a night, sometimes wine too. You wouldn't know he had had that much if you met him, but I always know. He becomes loser. Sometimes it tips into drunkenness.

I'm guessing you mean take the kids and leave him? I don't want to leave my house. Our house. We own it together. I could go to my mum's round the corner but I don't want to - I want him to leave.

I'm not close to his family. I'm OK with my SIL. His brother is nice enough. They witnessed a nastiness at Christmas when we were both drunk. I very rarely drink so that was partly down to me. I feel like he's robbed me of the idea of having a few drinks at Christmas or at the weekend because we can't be trusted if we both drink. It simmers over.

I own two other properties, aside from the one we own together. One is in negative equity but I have thought of selling the other to buy him out. It's my pension, really. I can't find the time or headspace to work out the detail of this. I work p/t but I also do freelance work and have the properties to maintain. My mind is very cloudy. I think it's the stress. On Friday my heart was aching when we argued. Odd. My kids deserve better than this. I'm pissed off that this horrible relationship has coloured their early lives and my first years as a mother- something I was desperate to become.

I'm pretty sure that if I sell my property he won't just take the money and leave. He's said as much. He's very angry.

Also, I'm worried about how I will afford everything on one income. It's so complicated to try to work it all out when I feel stoned all the time (I'm not stoned!). I have looked at EntitledTo but I think having any sort of equity in a property means you're not going to get much help. My basic wage is only £1600 a month. The mortgage is £850. I have rental income of around £500.

It's the sulkiness, the shouting, the pretence that I am done with.

You are absolutely right, don't let him gaslight you. Well done for realizing what's going on that's the hardest step. Please call a dv charity for advice on leaving safely, he has been violent before and the two weeks after leaving are the most dangerous time for you. Don't tell him until you've gone.

The dv charities can advise you legally - I think he would usually have a right to be there if it's in his name but it is likely that if you report the dv he'll need to stay away - they will advise you best.

DO NOT tell him you're leaving until it's all planned out and is happening

Play the long game. Get the dc into clubs so he can't claim as their main carer if he hardly works.