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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH

22 replies

user1485851222 · 16/07/2023 18:34

Been with DH 22 years. He's a great husband & I love him. We don’t often fall out, but when we do he is unable to say sorry or admit the fall-out was his fault. In 22 yrs, not 1 sorry, or 1 it was my fault, not once. I tell him that it is impossible that I'm to blame everytime, but his comeback is, I have nothing to be sorry about. My age doesn't help, as I'm menopausal & although I don't use it as an excuse, he us flippant about the menopause. Even though he is intelligent and knowledgeable about health.

Just had a row over something stupid, I got het up, he said I need anger management. Again he's not in the wrong.

I've gone upstairs, upset.

Sorry just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 16/07/2023 18:46

I think that’s gaslighting. How is he never in the wrong?

Couldyounot · 16/07/2023 18:48

Great husband, is he? Doesn't sound like it.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/07/2023 18:53

You've put up with that for 22 years - wow1
You have a low bar for "great"
How much would it hurt him to come up with a 'non-apology' - even if he doesn't think a disagreement is his fault, he is sorry that it happened/degenerated into a row?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 18:57

I never apologise either - ever!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2023 18:58

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 18:57

I never apologise either - ever!

Why?

cassiatwenty · 16/07/2023 18:59

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 18:57

I never apologise either - ever!

Yeah, why not? 🧐

GalileoHumpkins · 16/07/2023 19:02

My mum was like that, she'd never accept responsibility for being in the wrong. It didn't win her any fans tbh, it was frustrating and hurtful to listen to her excuses.

noglow · 16/07/2023 19:03

How have you managed so long!

GoldDuster · 16/07/2023 19:07

He might tell you he's a good husband and you might believe him but a partner who can never apologise, who shows no accountability, an inability to reflect on themself, and is happy to blame you and put every wrongdoing at the door of the person they love isn't a good partner.

Original poster
user1485851222 · 16/07/2023 19:12

Cherrysoup · 16/07/2023 18:46

I think that’s gaslighting. How is he never in the wrong?

Cherrysoup not sure re gaslighing. I think it's to do with upbringing.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 16/07/2023 19:13

Couldyounot · 16/07/2023 18:48

Great husband, is he? Doesn't sound like it.

Great in every other way, loving, looks after my health etc. Just unable to admit when wrong or say sorry... which as time goes on, becomes more annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 16/07/2023 19:14

ThinWomansBrain · 16/07/2023 18:53

You've put up with that for 22 years - wow1
You have a low bar for "great"
How much would it hurt him to come up with a 'non-apology' - even if he doesn't think a disagreement is his fault, he is sorry that it happened/degenerated into a row?

Shouldn't hurt him at all, to admit he was to blame and apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 16/07/2023 19:16

GoldDuster · 16/07/2023 19:07

He might tell you he's a good husband and you might believe him but a partner who can never apologise, who shows no accountability, an inability to reflect on themself, and is happy to blame you and put every wrongdoing at the door of the person they love isn't a good partner.

He doesn't say he's a good partner, he doesn't big himself up. As I said good in all other aspects, but can never admit he is in the wrong. I've told him law of averages after 22 yrs, he has had to be at fault at least once.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 16/07/2023 19:38

I think you need a medal for 22 years of this, you've more patience than me.

Original poster
user1485851222 · 16/07/2023 21:26

GoldDuster · 16/07/2023 19:38

I think you need a medal for 22 years of this, you've more patience than me.

I th8nk so

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 22:37

@MrsTerryPratchett @cassiatwenty

I just won't! Even if I realise I'm in the wrong.

I also never give in and say "peanuts" either.

Deathbyfluffy · 16/07/2023 22:41

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 22:37

@MrsTerryPratchett @cassiatwenty

I just won't! Even if I realise I'm in the wrong.

I also never give in and say "peanuts" either.

That kind of attitude is only going to bite you in the arse - not being able to apologise when wrong is a horrible trait.

I’d work on that as a matter of urgency 😊

wutheringkites · 16/07/2023 22:46

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 22:37

@MrsTerryPratchett @cassiatwenty

I just won't! Even if I realise I'm in the wrong.

I also never give in and say "peanuts" either.

This is a really awful trait, especially if you have kids.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 22:47

@wutheringkites

I've got 6, aged 15, 17, 21, 25, 26 and 27.

wutheringkites · 16/07/2023 22:50

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 22:47

@wutheringkites

I've got 6, aged 15, 17, 21, 25, 26 and 27.

I'm one of 5 and my mum never apologised. It was one of the many things I intensely disliked about her.

rwalker · 16/07/2023 22:55

Wife’s the same always has been always will be
eldest isn’t quite as bad but VERY rare to hold there hand up and apologise
is what it is never going to change them

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2023 00:14

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 16/07/2023 22:47

@wutheringkites

I've got 6, aged 15, 17, 21, 25, 26 and 27.

How do you teach them to take responsibility and own up to their mistakes?

A very quick apology, make good, move on. It's by far the easiest way to move through the world and is a skill.

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