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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is quite rude?

18 replies

bluepaint234 · 16/07/2023 16:22

DS is 22 and is completing his master's degree (at a different uni to undergraduate)

He was talking to me how he so much prefers the people he met from undergraduate and his postgraduate degrees to people from school.

DS still talks to his close friends group at school but feels that acquaintances and people he used to talk to semi occasionally completely ignore him now. For example DS wished a few people "happy 22nd birthday" and merry Christmas on social media. He was just "left on read". DS felt a bit hurt to be ignored. DS felt hurt as people would reply with "thank you" and "merry Christmas to you too" in previous years. These weren't complete strangers to DS. They were his classmates and people he'd speak to on occasion at school. He's been wondering if he "did something wrong".

What really hurt DS the most was that a few months into his master's degree a girl he went to school with saw him from a distance and purposely put her head down to avoid eye contact as they walked past. DS was surprised as this same girl had said "hello" to him when she bumped into him on campus a few weeks ago. In the summer prior to starting his master's course DS asked this girl her thoughts on the uni and the girl answered all of DS's questions and said something like "we should meet up!"
DS realises now that she didn't mean it.

DS compares this to his UG friends who still stay in touch with him even if he's not seen them in months. He even finds that people he wasn't that close with at university still talk to him and ask him how he's doing.

YANBU - this was rude

YABU - people lose touch it's a fact of life

OP posts:

megacat · 16/07/2023 16:49

So he left school what, 6 years ago? Why does he message people who were acquaintances from that long ago? I would find it weird if someone I barely knew messaged me merry Christmas.

thecatinthetwat · 16/07/2023 16:52

Sounds normal and reasonable to me. Most ppl don’t want to stay in touch on fb.

Original poster

bluepaint234 · 16/07/2023 16:52

megacat · 16/07/2023 16:49

So he left school what, 6 years ago? Why does he message people who were acquaintances from that long ago? I would find it weird if someone I barely knew messaged me merry Christmas.

Grammar school so same school for Year7-11 and 6th form.

He left the school 4 years ago.

OP posts:

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 16/07/2023 16:54

He sounds SUPER sensitive

Yellowdays · 16/07/2023 16:57

Just keep building his confidence and don't get too involved. Remind him they may have other things on their minds, and if not, it's not him, it's them.

10HailMarys · 16/07/2023 17:09

If he’s hurt by people he was at school with four years ago not replying to a ‘happy birthday’ message on Facebook, I think he’s being incredibly over-sensitive. He’s not at school any more. People’s lives move on.

Most people don’t stay friends with everyone they were mates with at school. If social media didn’t exist, he and most of his old classmates probably wouldn’t have said a word to each other after the day they left school. There’s no reason a girl should want to meet up with him at uni just because he went to the same school as her and they had a polite conversation once.

I think most adults wouldn’t give this so much as a second thought, let alone talk to their mother about it. He’s a grown man in his 20s; this is a non-issue.

Jesseweneedtocook · 16/07/2023 17:11

Yeah, tbh op I fell out of touch with people from school very quickly and I'd probably avoid talking to them now (several years on!) As I find small talk awkward. What is there really to say to someone you knew at school but haven't seen in years? It's not personal, but no one is owed anyone else's time/effort. Life moves on and we can't make time/space for everyone.

I'd find it weird if acquaintances messaged with festive greetings at Christmas, tbh. Those messages seem insincere to me and I normally ignore them, on Christmas I'm busy spending time wirh loved ones not sitting around on Facebook replying to messages.

It'll be nothing personal, life just moves on.

VeridicalVagabond · 16/07/2023 17:16

It's pretty normal in adulthood to drift away from your friends from school, nevermind people who were only acquaintances. I wouldn't say it's rude not to respond to a random message from someone you barely know, especially on social media where you're probably getting Happy Birthdays from every Tom Dick and Harry.

And as for the girl avoiding him... I'm sure we're all guilty of this at some point, right? I've definitely been out in the shops and seen someone I know and like and just thought "nope not today" and moved off in the other direction. Sometimes you just don't feel like socialising, especially if it's just an acquaintance and you know they're likely to want to talk your ear off, for instance.

Original poster

bluepaint234 · 16/07/2023 17:43

With birthday messages I don't think a small "Thank you" would have hurt?

With the girl I don't think a small "hello" or a half smile would have hurt. DS said that she saw him from a distance then instantly started looking down at the floor as to avoid eye contact when they walked past.

The reason DS is hurt/confused is that he told me he's bumped into people 1/2/3 years below him and they've said hello and asked him how he's doing etc.... Whereas people from his own year group just seem to ignore him.

I've told DS "it's just life unfortunately. And you have your amazing university friends."

OP posts:

FranticElevator · 16/07/2023 17:53

Sorry op but you’re way over invested in your son’s social life.

misssunshine4040 · 16/07/2023 18:06

Maybe they felt replaying to a random merry Christmas message would be an invitation to open up communication they don't want.
The girl didn't owe him anything.

It's a shame but that's how life goes

SkySecret · 06/02/2024 13:16

Some people are rude. Some people simply hate bumping into someone they knew from school or work (I’m one of them - though if we’d made eye contact I’d probably force myself to smile or say hi, but would hide if at all possible 😂)

Or others may be seeing this differently to him. They may not consider they had much of a relationship with him and he was just “someone from class”.

CasperGutman · 06/02/2024 13:30

If someone wishes me "happy birthday" on social media I'll probably "like" their comment, but I won't do more unless there's some particular reason to.

I'm not in "real life" contact with anyone I went to school with, so it's certainly normal in my experience to drift apart from school friends. There's no particular reason why going to the same school should mean people have to interact if their paths cross later. I lived in the same hall of residence as someone I went to school with, and we were on the same course, but I don't think we spoke to each other more than twice the whole four years.

Original poster

bluepaint234 · 07/02/2024 08:02

@SkySecret surprised you posted as this thread was half a year ago. DS graduated from the master's and is working and moved on with his life.

OP posts:

SkySecret · 07/02/2024 08:14

Mumsnet suggests threads at the bottom when you’re already in a thread - maybe ask them to change their algorithms to only pick up new ones 😂

Original poster

bluepaint234 · 07/02/2024 13:37

@SkySecret oh well. Interesting. I thought they only recommended new threads

OP posts:

SkySecret · 07/02/2024 14:57

yup, me too!

DreamTheMoors · 09/05/2024 04:34

My 50th high school reunion is in a couple of weeks.
I’m still close friends with the girl I met on the first day of kindergarten, when we were 5.
I’m friends with a few others, but haven’t seen them in a few years.
A friend whom I haven’t seen in 50 years phoned and asked if she could give me a lift (I don’t drive) to the reunion - pretty nice of her.
I don’t keep in touch with a single friend from university. I don’t know where they are, I don’t know what they’re doing. I don’t think about them. I don’t think they miss me either, or think about me.
That’s just life.

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