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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling relationship

15 replies

LaPerduta · 16/07/2023 10:53

I get on quite well with my sister, although we have little in common. There's no animosity, but equally little conversation. I've tried throughout my life to instigate things like going on holiday together, but it has never happened, even once.

She lives about 600 miles away, very close to my parents. I will be staying with my parents on my birthday (she knows the dates of my visit) and I have just heard that she's not free.

AIBU to think that if your sibling has travelled the length of the country it would be nice to be available on their birthday? It's not for over a month, so not as if it was a last-minute thing. She doesn't ever seem to make herself available when I visit and often has things booked up.

I'm not going to make a fuss, but I'm a bit disappointed.

OP posts:
Valid8me · 16/07/2023 11:10

To be fair, I think a month is a bit last-minute. Plenty of people have their diaries/calendars booked way further in advance than a month!

You say you get on well but it sounds like you hardly ever see her and I realise that you are disappointed, but it appears that you are wanting a closer relationship with her than she is.

TaigaSno · 16/07/2023 11:49

What's the situation with your parents? Just wondering because I live near my parents so by default I am the one who helps them out a lot with everything, not as a carer, but day to day help with little things. When my sibling (who lives away) visits I take the opportunity to give myself a mental break, knowing that someone else is available.

Original poster
LaPerduta · 16/07/2023 14:21

Valid8me · 16/07/2023 11:10

To be fair, I think a month is a bit last-minute. Plenty of people have their diaries/calendars booked way further in advance than a month!

You say you get on well but it sounds like you hardly ever see her and I realise that you are disappointed, but it appears that you are wanting a closer relationship with her than she is.

Fair enough. It's actually almost seven weeks, but she may well have made arrangements before that.

She would doubtless say that she wants a close relationship, but does very little to put that in to practice. She has travelled to near where I live several times and not even let me know.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaPerduta · 16/07/2023 14:22

TaigaSno · 16/07/2023 11:49

What's the situation with your parents? Just wondering because I live near my parents so by default I am the one who helps them out a lot with everything, not as a carer, but day to day help with little things. When my sibling (who lives away) visits I take the opportunity to give myself a mental break, knowing that someone else is available.

I'd say my parents do more for my sister and brother-in-law than they do for my parents. They certainly aren't helping them out on a daily basis, although they interact a lot.

OP posts:
sweepleall · 16/07/2023 14:32

When you say "she knows the dates of my visit", have you actually contacted her and said "hey, I am around from this date to this date, would you be free to do xyz?" Or do you more assume she will know from your parents?

Original poster
LaPerduta · 16/07/2023 15:08

sweepleall · 16/07/2023 14:32

When you say "she knows the dates of my visit", have you actually contacted her and said "hey, I am around from this date to this date, would you be free to do xyz?" Or do you more assume she will know from your parents?

I contacted her with the exact dates as soon as I had booked my trains. I didn't suggest doing anything specific, but she knows when my birthday is.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 16/07/2023 15:13

Are you going to be there a couple of days? If so, it’s disappointing if she’s busy the whole time.

sweepleall · 16/07/2023 15:13

LaPerduta · 16/07/2023 15:08

I contacted her with the exact dates as soon as I had booked my trains. I didn't suggest doing anything specific, but she knows when my birthday is.

Show quote history

I just wonder if you need to be more direct - otherwise how is she to know that you want to do something on your birthday with her? You might have plans with your parents or friends or not feel like celebrating at all.

Original poster
LaPerduta · 16/07/2023 15:18

Iloveacurry · 16/07/2023 15:13

Are you going to be there a couple of days? If so, it’s disappointing if she’s busy the whole time.

I'm there for a fortnight. She won't be busy the whole time, I don't suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaPerduta · 16/07/2023 15:20

sweepleall · 16/07/2023 15:13

I just wonder if you need to be more direct - otherwise how is she to know that you want to do something on your birthday with her? You might have plans with your parents or friends or not feel like celebrating at all.

Show quote history

I don't have friends where my parents live. You may he right, but I can't help feeling I would have made myself available on her birthday if she were visiting from the other end of the country.

OP posts:
LovedmyRaleighChopper · 16/07/2023 15:22

You sound incredibly milquetoast about the whole thing and if she’s similar in temperament no wonder you’ve never managed to arrange anything. Be more direct instead of just shrugging and saying well she knows my birthday. Speak to the woman and tell her you’re disappointed as you were looking forward to seeing her on your birthday. Surely you’re staying more than one day, ask her if she can rearrange something and make a window for her only sister even if it’s not on the day as you’d love to spend time with her. If she won’t then you have your answer and can return to your former apathy.

GrinAndVomit · 16/07/2023 15:23

This is sad. My relationship with my sibling is one of the most important in my life.
Neither of us likes our parents though so maybe that helps the bond 😂

ohtowinthelottery · 16/07/2023 15:44

Depends why she's 'busy'. If she's going to a wedding, got a work event she can't get out of, already arranged to go out with one of her friends to celebrate their birthday, then YABU.

Why don't you contact her and say you're sorry she can't be around on your actual birthday but how about we go for lunch/dinner/coffee on one of the other days. You live 600 miles away - your sister has her own life which doesn't just stop because you are visiting your parents.

MargaretThursday · 16/07/2023 16:13

Well if you were my sibling and told me now you were coming in January (when my sibling's birthday is), I already have something booked over that weekend that I couldn't change. I wouldn't be expecting my sibling to be around (400 miles away) so I haven't saved the date, because that would be silly.
If you came another weekend then I would see you.
So it isn't necessarily whether it's last minute or not-it's simply if she's got a prior arrangement that can't be changed and didn't expect you to come before she booked it, then that's done.

Ragwort · 16/07/2023 16:22

Are you actually being proactive and contacting her direct and suggesting meeting up? She may assume that you just want quality time with your DPs? Why not get in touch and say something like 'I am planning to stay with mum and dad for a fortnight in August, I'd love to get together with you for a meal/coffee/walk so that the two of us can catch up .. would that be convenient'? Of course is she says a downright 'no' then you've got your answer!
Are you going alone or with a partner, children, pets? It could be that she doesn't like your husband perhaps? I have become a lot more distant with one of my siblings over the years as I really don't get on with their spouse and they will only meet 'as a couple' Hmm.

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