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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wait for this man?

23 replies

moveantmountains · 16/07/2023 07:32

Both early 50's. Divorced .
Both full time workers with three teens each.
Seeing eachother a few months.

He's awaiting family home sale in order to buy .
He lives 1.5 hrs away from me.
He lives in a home belonging to a family member. Pays half going rental rate.
Owners are taking in two new tenants. No negotiating.

He has teens as and when, regularly.
He's recently ended a relationship.
His family are v traditional and won't accept a new' friend' , much less to his rental. They all live one the same road.
Very traditional , rural and close family.
He seems kind of controlled or under their thumb. They're involved in most of his decisions.

BUT ... We get on great, super chemistry and really click.
This should sort itself out within a year .
Would I be mad to wait for him to get himself sorted out?

OP posts:
Enko · 16/07/2023 07:34

Sorry. Yes you are. Unless he actively is working towards getting untangled is it likely he ever will?

Let him untangle once he has see if it works but don't wait around for him until he has.

LobsterCrab · 16/07/2023 07:35

Honestly this wouldn't be for me. Even if it does sort itself out in a year, you'd still be with someone who's too weak to stand up to his family.

PowerBMI · 16/07/2023 07:45

So he lived like this into his 50s and you expected it to change once the house is sorted?

PinkButtercups · 16/07/2023 07:54

You've been seeing each other a few months but he recently ended a relationship? We're you together whilst he was in a relationship?

PinkButtercups · 16/07/2023 07:54

Were **

newnamethanks · 16/07/2023 07:55

That's going to be a very long wait. Think hard.

Original poster
moveantmountains · 16/07/2023 08:01

No we met very shortly after his relationship was finally over.
He has been divorced a few years.

OP posts:
Spanielsarepainless · 16/07/2023 08:03

I wouldn't. It sounds too dominated by his family.

legalseagull · 16/07/2023 08:03

Any man in his 50's and still living off handouts and under his parents thumb is no where near my radar. Tell him to grow up and throw him back.

SchoolShenanigans · 16/07/2023 08:04

I'm sorry if I'm being dim, but what exactly are you asking?

If you've only been seeing each other a few months, why would you need to wait for him? Surely there aren't plans to live together yet. I'd imagine you're in the stages of going out and having fun? Can't he just come to yours?

Just have fun and don't plan too much, is my opinion.

CrapBucket · 16/07/2023 08:05

Wait for him in what sense? I would never move in with someone like that. But if you go on fun dates and have hot sex and enjoy being together then just do that… can’t see what the waiting a year is for?

Original poster
moveantmountains · 16/07/2023 08:06

No I don't want him at mine.
I don't want any man in my children's home and they don't really see their Dad.
Plus he's afraid to tell his family about me yet. They have huge input into his life.

OP posts:
WhineWhineWhineWINE · 16/07/2023 08:10

Sounds like you'll be having a relationship with his family and not just him. Is that what you want?

GalileoHumpkins · 16/07/2023 08:13

moveantmountains · 16/07/2023 08:06

No I don't want him at mine.
I don't want any man in my children's home and they don't really see their Dad.
Plus he's afraid to tell his family about me yet. They have huge input into his life.

A man in his 50s being afraid of his family and keeping me a secret would be a massive turn off.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/07/2023 08:21

Don’t bother. What’s to wait for?! 😵‍💫

Original poster
moveantmountains · 16/07/2023 08:22

Reading back , I'm getting full ick .

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 16/07/2023 08:23

I'm 55, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone dominated by family. There's enough responsibility towards your children and then sometimes elderly parents, to throw being controlled in. He's possibly more propped up financially than you think. You'll be throwing away the freedom that comes with hitting 60 and no dependants. Best case scenario is that the reliance on them will transfer to reliance on you and it gets suffocating.

TeaKitten · 16/07/2023 08:25

I don’t get what will have sorted itself out within the year? What are you waiting for? You don’t like his family set up and don’t want him in your home, I can’t see the appeal.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/07/2023 08:29

He's a 50 year old who is still under the thumb of his family - errrr no thanks!

It's likely you've got chemistry as it's a forbidden fruit type scenario, I bet once the mystery of this man wears off you'll end with a man child who's still attached to his families apron strings and every Xmas, birthday, holiday and any other occasion will be dictated by what his family want him to do.

JMSA · 16/07/2023 08:37

Sorry if I'm being dense, but is he staying in a family member's home while waiting for the sale of the family home (the one he shared with ex wife and kids)?
I'm guessing you're not in the UK, as the situation you've described would be very unusual for a middle-aged man here.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 16/07/2023 08:39

He might sort himself out with a place of his own, but you’ll never get rid of the controlling family. They’ll come as part of the package. I personally would run a mile.

newnamethanks · 16/07/2023 09:00

Ooh ouch. Far too much family going on. Pick up your skirts and run.

GreenwichOrTwicks · 05/12/2023 09:46

But you are not offering to have at your house either! How long would he have to ‘wait’ for you to do that?

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