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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I in the wrong?

18 replies

Hungryfrogs23 · 16/07/2023 06:41

Will try to keep this brief.
Had a close friend of more than 20 years, friends since childhood but live 4 hours apart so communicate by messenger mostly. Love him so much but increasingly he can be a tricky personality to navigate. He is very self centred and often seems blinkered to the fact that anyone else might have difficulties/issues other than him. Talking can feel like top trumps of his job being harder than anyone else's and his life being more difficult/stressful than anyone else's etc. We can talk multiple times without him ever really asking much about my life or my day or week at all.

However, he also has lots of positive traits and even his self absorbed nature I'm sure isn't done deliberately so it's part of him I've come to accept.

He does have stresses and difficulties for sure and one particular issue for him is that he is approaching 40 and no gf/wife/partner or kids.

I recently got pregnant. Planned to tell him of course but due to 2 2nd trimester losses and a stillborn,we were reluctant to tell anyone for a while. Didn't even tell elder daughter or immediate family until 20 weeks. I talk to friend every few weeks/month so next conversation I planned to tell him but convo went something like this.

Me: hey how's things?
Him: not great. Work stressful, parents health worrying me etc etc and I'm nearly 40 and panicking. I'm never going to get married or have kids what has my life become, I'm so depressed because I wanted kids so much etc etc.

Now I don't always read social cues well, but even I knew this wasn't the moment to announce a pregnancy!

Problem is, literally every conversation went the same way. I would ask how he is, get a diatribe of all his worries and woes and then try to reassure him and never felt like there was room or an appropriate moment to announce my news. The longer it goes on the harder it is to tell him.

Fast forward, baby is born and I still haven't told him. I finally pluck up the courage 2 days after baby is born.

He is understandably very very hurt at not being told and has since not spoken to me.

I'm pretty sure I probably was unreasonable but it came from a good place. I'm not a big sharer anyway, it never got "announced" on social media or anywhere else and plenty of other friends who I don't see regularly didn't know either, he wasn't the only one. But do you think I can fix this with or was what i did really that bad?

OP posts:

NapoliTutti · 16/07/2023 06:44

Sounds like you couldnt get a word in edgewise!

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 06:44

I understand he's hurt you didn't tell him but I get why it didn't work out. You could just tell him why you never told him and maybe he'll stop being so negative all the time. Or just explain you delayed telling people due to previous losses. Congratualations on your new LO.

londonrach · 16/07/2023 06:47

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby. Don't think about this. Suspect the friendship run its course and your life's are going in different ways. I didn't as such tell anyone I was pregnant as tbh after do any miscarriages I never expected to go to term. I told those I saw and family. Lots of surprise when I had DD but only very positive response s!

LobsterCrab · 16/07/2023 06:48

If you couldn't find the right time to tell him in the phone why didn't you just text him? I'm not surprised he's hurt.

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 06:48

I haven’t told many people at all I’m pregnant including a few at some points very close friends in my life, I moved 45 minutes away from my home town and nothing on social media I can relate to the anxiety of them not knowing/how they will react (babys due any day.)

But a lot of my conversations have gone like this it’s not been the right time! My plan is I will gently explain that if they reflect back on messages and conversations it seemed really inappropriate to let them know!

Also there are friends that have barely bothered since I moved away far less guilt there! He shouldn’t be giving it the big “why didn’t you tell me speech” you need for him to read his messages back and tell him exactly what it was…impossible!

Congratulations op xxx

BellaJuno · 16/07/2023 06:52

I understand your reasoning for delaying an announcement until later on in your pregnancy but it is a very big bit of news to keep quiet about completely. Was there really no opportunity AT ALL to send him a text saying “I realise this may be a surprise to you but….” in the latter stages? What did you expect his reaction to be when he finally found out? And how would you feel if someone you thought was a friend didn’t tell you until the baby arrived?

It does sound like a one-sided friendship though, so maybe it’s done you a favour in speeding up the end of the relationship!

Original poster

Hungryfrogs23 · 16/07/2023 07:00

I did explain that I realised it would be a surprise but that due to previous losses (and various problems throughout this pregnancy) I never really believed I would get to term and was terrified of saying out loud that I was pregnant. It was genuinely a horribly stressful 9 months, I didn't even take any photos of me pregnant because I was so convinced it would go wrong. I told him all this and told him that there were lots of people who didn't know, he wasn't the only one, but he still won't reply. I do feel bad, but maybe some PP are right and the fact I was unable to tell him is a sign that the relationship was a bit one sided anyway. It pretty much was me just counselling him through his various stresses (work, lack of relationship, poor parent health etc) and him minimising any of my stresses to "it will be fine". I just feel so sad after 20 years and lots of really good memories and happy times that this is how it ended I think.

OP posts:

Paq · 16/07/2023 07:03

In fairness he sounds like a massive PITA and if he dumps you he’s done you a favour.

Don”t fret about, congratulations on your hard won baby, you must be so happy.

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 07:03

Unfortunately friendships do grow apart and it is what it is! I have a friend like this will only frantically contact me when her entire life has gone to shit! I never hear off her when it’s all good I just see on SM and it drives me insane she’s got the hint now I think as I’ve stopped picking up the sporodic calls and messages!

Sad really known her since we where 5/6, but it is what it is! She has no idea either but she soon will! Oooops.

Original poster

Hungryfrogs23 · 16/07/2023 07:05

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 07:03

Sad really known her since we where 5/6, but it is what it is! She has no idea either but she soon will! Oooops.

This does sound sadly familiar, I am the go to person when he needed to vent or needed support or help but rarely replied/rarely spoke to me when things were good.

OP posts:

Babsexxx · 16/07/2023 07:19

It sucks but I have a lovely family and family life and I do occasionally have those moments where I stop and think “o shit what have I done? What are they all going to think when babys here”.

But infact this thread has made me feel a lot less guilty and gave me some gratification as to why I’ve even made these decisions!

All I’m focused on for now is going to bed every night thinking “omg will tonight be the night!?” Lol feel like a sitting duck at the minute I just hateeee the waiting and the not knowing my labours are so short which doesn’t help I don’t get any of these build up days off again on again labour that people talk about I just go into full blown labour out of nowhere! lol.

Just focus on your new addition and don’t let your very valid points cloud your mind/judgement you won’t want to look back on babies early precious days that go by soo fast and in future you’ll look back and be mad at yourself for stressing and worrying over “friendships” like this!

Shoxfordian · 16/07/2023 07:21

It sounds like he was just using you as free therapy when he was having a bad time but I do wonder how you managed to avoid talking about your pregnancy at all over the nine months! You could have sent a text round to friends to let them know if not on a call, it’s quite a big thing to keep secret

DarkForces · 16/07/2023 07:25

He sounds like he looks for life to be negative and draining and at some point you'd have ended up in his bad books whatever you did. I'd be relieved to get some peace to be honest and definitely not getting in touch again. He'll be back when he needs to vent

Caroparo52 · 16/07/2023 07:28

Congratulations on your new baby.
Some friendships just end as we grow apart. Don't feel guilty. You sound a very lovely and caring person op.
He sounds a drama queen and its his loss.
You will meet a lot of new friends through mother and toddler playgroup, nursery and school who will form your new strong friendship group

FOJN · 16/07/2023 07:31

I wouldn't feel bad about this at all.

I'd be quite brutal with him and tell him that had he ever asked how you were you would have told him but in 9 months he didn't show even the slightest curiosity about your life.

If the friendship is over you could do him a favour and tell him that his self absorption may be the thing which is preventing him finding a long term relationship.

I think he's got a bit of a cheek being upset.

Whattheactualwhatnow · 16/07/2023 07:52

What do you get out of this friendship? Sounds like it’s all about his needs. And if you didn’t feel able to tell him a huge piece of news over a period of nearly a year, I’m afraid this isn’t really a friendship.

Parisj · 16/07/2023 08:03

You're his audience but he hasn't really contemplated what that is like for you. Strategy 1 Leave it a few weeks more than normal, then try something bland to restart the conversation and pretend it never happened. Strategy 2 Tell him what you told us, I thought I would be an arsehole telling you I was pregnant when you were telling me your feelings about not having children, and I never found the right moment. Maybe we need to rebalance this friendship so there's more in it for both of us.

SilverTotoro · 16/07/2023 09:17

You haven’t done anything wrong. Given your circumstances most friends would understand you holding off telling people. I’d leave it and see if he comes round, he’s clearly self involved and rather than thinking about how you might have been effected by your losses is focused on how he feels about not being told. It’s also possible he’s struggling with you having a new baby when one of his own struggles is not having a family if his own.

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