My Six years old niece is spoon fed

[Sofita90]

On holidays to my homecountry and today having my niece over who is almost 6 and still spoon fed. I had a fight with my mother because she was even spoon feeding her cake . I was like this is not even healthy food, if she doesn't want to eat sweets better she doesn't eat them. The background is my niece is really fussy with food which I get and is completely normal but not only she will not eat anything outside the few things she likes but also wants to be spoon fed. They even went on a school day trip with parents and while she was in the kids table she asked her mother to go and spoon feed her . If she eats something she doesnt like she vomits and is generally discussed easily from food. I am mentioning only the mother as my brother is away for work for long periods. I am getting preoccupied as my mother claims she is babysitting only a couple of days per week during summer and is not her responsibility to educate her and my sister in law and her family is spoon feeding her and they don't even try to stop that. I am the bad auntie that every time I visit I complain for her being spoon fed. She is a really clever energetic and communicative little girl but denies to eat by her self. Is that normal? I am afraid the reason could be psychological. Should I speak to my brother when he is back to ask specialist help? I still cannot understand how a kid wants to be spoon fed even a cake and when I said no she just didn't eat it .
AIBU to be preoccupied?

What are you worried about? She’s 5. She clearly has multiple issues with food. It’s not your place to ‘complain she’s being spoon fed’. It’s important to you but you’re not the parent. I’d personally be more concerned if the parents were refusing to spoon feed which was causing her to go hungry and not eat anything. That’s actually dangerous for the child if done on a regular basis. For many children no they wouldn’t just start doing something because you think they should and you’ll make their life difficult if they don’t.

@Wenfy

You obviously didn't read the thread about French children eating 3 course dinners with cutlery and no moaning as little ones???

By 5 it's normal for typically developing children to mostly feed themselves with perhaps a bit of help cutting hard to cut foods eg some meats. They should be capable of using a knife on softer foods though.

The case described sounds like either there's more op doesn't know or the parents are extreme babying her

She's not being ridiculous.

Hand- or spoon-feeding older children is normal for some cultures.

Just because she appears to be typically developing in other ways doesn't really rule ND. She's not even 6 yet, my friends daughter wasn't diagnosed until 21, there were a few subtle things that started becoming apparent in her late teenage years. Same with my cousin who was diagnosed at 18, very subtle things looking back and only when she hit puberty, she was always an extremely intelligent child who was very sociable. ASD can look very different in girls.

Having issues like that around food would automatically make me think there could possibly be some SEN. I'm not saying there is but I wouldn't rule it out. And for that reason I'd just keep out of it.

I don’t think this is normal at all at the age of 6. She is being smothered to be point of becoming lazy, and now expects her food to be fed to her. I mean honestly, how long can this go on for ? It’s going to be embarrassing for everyone eventually and is not helping the little girl learn independence skills.

I Still remember how I was feeling as a kid and why I had certain behaviours like hiding for hours. And even though I turned out OK I wish my parents had asked help back then. Regards to my niece could be because she needs attention could be as I see from the comments something more or that she is still spoilt. I will try to find a nice way to say to my brother it could be good to take a specialist opinion. Maybe could be something more.. lately she has fear of the sea..we live in an island. Today she didn't even put her feet in the water and the other day when a wave came she was shouting it will take my dad and she will lose him. When my mother told her not to be scared because my dad is a seafarer she replied that his body is not a boat. She is really clever but maybe could be something more and she manages to hide it because she is clever. The only thing I want is for us to give her the best tools we can for her to be a happy adult.

It isn't usual, but it doesn't seem like a big deal. She is managing to eat by herself at school by eating things which don't require a spoon, so she isn't going hungry. She'll get there sooner or later - probably later, but so what?

I would try to get to the bottom of it as well. Everyone saying ‘beak out’, no - this is very odd and I would assume the mum does other odd things in her parenting. How many posts on here by grown adults complaining about their parents wonder why none of their wider family stepped in to query things?

Do you mind telling us what culture/ country you are in? I'm just really curious. Fair enough if you would rather not say here

OP has said -Greece.

It doesn't really matter whether you are wrong or right. People tend to shoot the messenger. No good will come from you trying to intervene in how they parent her. You will return home, leaving your relationships strained, and they will go right back to what they were doing.

Why did you hide for hours when you were young OP?

Is it possible that autism runs in the family? Being very fussy with food to this extreme point wouldn't be so unusual then. Wanting to still be spoon fed by someone else at almost 6 the same. Her anxiety as well. Her being very clever and advanced in certain areas would suggest what would have been previously diagnosed as Aspergers syndrome (if she is ND).

I don't know what you can do though really OP, especially as you live far away. I can understand you being very concerned but I think all you can do it wait and see how things develop. I wouldn't get too hung up on the spoon feeding (although I too think it's very unusual at almost 6) as there might be bigger issues at play here.

This is absolutely not typical in Greece. I go there every year and have never, ever seen a child there being spoon fed, other than maybe to try something off a parent's plate. We have numerous friends there with (mostly now adult) children and they all happily fed themselves from about 3 years old. Our Greek goddaughter was using cutlery pretty well by 18 months.

My comment was intended as a reply to PP who suggested it may be a cultural thing. It's not.

I've a friend still feeding a much older child. Child does have additional needs- but you wouldn't tell to look at them, or necessarily from observation for short periods

She feeds them bc they wouldn't remember to eat otherwise. They don't have the attention span to remain seated and let food digest ... and that causes more problems if they're vomiting or losing weight and dehydrated from not eating themselves. She doesn't go into school to do it, but has to make up for lack of food at school outside of it

I don't see why it's worth getting involved and offending anyone in case there's medical reasons for it or just a choice of picking which battles they're currently fighting... I only knew about my friend as she clearly one day felt embarrassed by it to want to explain it. I'd never have pointed out "don't you reckon your child should know how to do that by now?" To another parent

She asked her aunt how to bite a piece of melon. That was obviously manipulative, as she eats bananas & cereal bars by herself. So she's trying to ensure she is fed ready-to-eat pieces of food, like a toddler.

I've got no clue why she'd require this, but it doesn't chime with any ASD-related behaviours I know of. She can feed herself. It does sound emotional/psychological.

To an extent, I agree with the parents that she might just drop it as she moves into the school environment and makes more friends. For one thing, they're likely to tease her about it! If she persists for a couple more years, they'll probably need a psychologist's support.

I assume she is an only child? What is the background of them having her?

Thanks but I was curious about the other poster who says it's normal where she lives.

I think you are right to be concerned OP, its highly unusual and really unhealthy for the child unless there is a physical or psychological explanation. I think make enquiries and accept what they say.

I work with 3-4 yr olds and this would be a big red flag, there is no way we would facilitate this without a proper explanation. It goes against all advice on early years development. I did have a boy last year just moved from another country (hence my question) who would just sit there, we thought he had a problem with his lunch box so we opened it and he would still sit looking at us. Eventually he started to eat but we had to cajole him for a long time. I suspect he was spoon fed at home. He also was very behind in all independence skills but there was nothing wrong only he had never been taught to do anything. He struggled as a result and I felt bad for him.

it’s very strange, unless she’s neurodiverse

Let's be honest: Yes, it's weird and probably not in her best interests to be spoon-fed at her age, when she's otherwise able to do things typical of children her age, but ultimately it's none of your business. Let her parents and grandparents deal with it as they choose and try to ignore it. Involving yourself in a debate with them won't end well.

Just remembered a 4-year-old upper-class French child I was nanny to. He couldn't dress or feed himself: despite appearing fragile and timid, he had a very strong character and had worn down his previous carers by being "unable" to manage age-appropriate self care.

I had to apply a great deal of stubborn patience, but he picked up quickly. The only (possibly) extreme measure I needed was making him walk barefoot to school. I hasten to add I had his shoes & socks in my bag - he asked for them at the school entrance.

Thanks a lot for all the advices . To reply here to some questions, I used to hide as I wanted my parents to search for me as a proof they love me. I wanted to see if they would get preoccupied which in my eyes would prove they love me. I was looking for validation that way. My niece has a younger sister almost 2 years old who is a lot more independent than her older sister in eating. She takes the spoon by herself and tries to feed herself even though she is as well spoon fed and she is really good eater. Also I feel they have spoilt less the second kid as she is sleeping in her bed/crib in the kids room while the older still sleeps with the mother. She is scared at night and she is sharing bed either with the grandparents when they babysit her or with her parents , but this I don't think is ubnormal as many kids do the same . Today I asked sorry from my niece I said she shouldn't be fed and I told her I would feed her since that is what her parents do even if I don't agree.