Long story v short: have always had unhealthy relationship with food and low self-esteem caused by growing up in a house where food was restricted and worth was directly determined by dress size. My mother has made me feel horrendous ever since I hit puberty and developed a body shape entirely different to hers (she is a boyish size 8 - I am v curvy).
My twenties were spent wearing black and trying to be invisible. My thirties were spent starving myself, abusing laxatives, weighing every single morsel I ate, refusing any social event that involved eating, weighing myself twice a day. From age 20 to 40 the biggest I was was a UK 16. Smallest was a 10. I avoided cameras this entire time. There are only a handful of pics of me in existence (probably because my mum once handed me a photo of me dressed up at Xmas when I was feeling like I looked pretty and said "There, that can be your "before" photo").
Now at 43 and after shitloads of therapy I have finally stopped hating my body. I don't care what my mum thinks anymore. I haven't weighed myself in 3 years. I've settled at a UK 14 (16 if neat fitting/zip or boob buttons). I walk the dog every day and do YouTube yoga/meditation. I have amazing kids, a wonderful DP (who loves my body) and a generally lovely life. I eat a balanced diet. I wear bright colourful clothes and have so much fun wearing vintage and loud stuff that old me would've cried if I had to wear.
The proof for me was this week when I went to a sporting event with DP and ended up on the telly 🙈🙉🙊. Previously I would have done everything I could to avoid ever seeing this footage and if I had seen it, it would have inevitably triggered a massive breakdown for me followed by a crash diet/laxatives etc. Today I watched the footage and thought "Yep that's me" and "hair looks a bit windswept".
AIBU to think and hope that I'm finally at peace with myself? I feel like something has fundamentally changed in my brain..