WhatsApp group AIBU

[Anxious114]

I posted about this earlier but I wasn’t very clear so I’m creating this new thread as I really need to vent and feel I have no one I can talk to in RL and I may come across as crazy!

I suffer from complex PTSD and I have a hard time making friends and talking to strangers. My child is coming up the end of his nursery time and will be starting school and no one in new school is from nursery, I started a WhatsApp group for the few nursery friends he had and whose parents I know very well to keep in touch. Well one suggested I make everyone admin and now there are lots of people on this group whom I don’t know and I’m quite angry that the person who suggested this could have just made a group of their own rather than “hi Jack” mine! She’s been in the nursery for s long time, Why did it not cross her mind all these years to create a group?

I feel anxious and I don’t want to post meet-ups etc. as it’s awkward. I planned next week to invite the mums to my home and have a little tea party but I don’t want all the random strangers turning up.

i really hate this. Why can’t things be simple and always get weird. I was trying to make changes. I isolated myself for nearly 7 years and only recently starting to get better. I feel back to square zero (not one, zero). I will never be normal will I. I don’t feel able to text the mums separately I wanted a group so could easily arrange things together.

Why don't you text them separately? It's annoying what happened yes. Maybe in future you could say you'd just like to be admin and if they want to set up a bigger group you'd be happy to be part of that too, then ignore it

Is there any link between the people you added to a group through? Like are you all friends together or did you just add everyone you are friendly with individually at the nursery into one group? Because if it’s the latter it’s a bit odd and they probably assumed it was just a general nursery mums group.

You can still message people individually and invite them to something, I don’t really see the problem.

Why don't you just set up a separate group called tea party or whatever, add the ones you want, and use that? Just say you don't have enough space to invite everyone in the other group or some other excuse hence why you've created a separate space to message. I do this all the time with large WhatsApp groups where you want a sub group for whatever reason.

@Peacoffee i added them with the intent of having a meet up. I’ve been added to groups just for nights out or days out but I haven’t ever suggested they add so and so. It would t have crossed my mind. It’s a bit like you get invited somewhere and you suggest the host invites others too!

Let them add them and use that group how they want. Then create another one and name it dinner date or whatever and invite them through that.

It sounds very soon and stressful to invite people over to yours though.

You'll be surprised though that when you suggest to do stuff in a big group how few will take you up on the offer...which is fine for you as that's what you want.

It sounds very soon and stressful to invite people over to yours though.

my son has been in nursery 2 years. Some have been there since 6 months old. They’re leaving to start school September. I don’t feel it’s too soon at all.

In the kindest possible way….. this is your anxiety and negative brain talking.

Some previous users have some insightful comments. Rather than feeling wounded and being the ‘victim’ try and see it from the other mums point of view and give logical explanations such as:

The other mums could have thought it was a general group and it would help me out to add more people

people wanted to join the group I made and that shows people like me

I can easily create another group with a specific date / event in the title so it’s clear what this group is for

I can take this as a lesson to review my communication with others and made adjustments such as being clearer on my intentions

Don’t let this escalate and snow ball in your head.

I say this as someone who’s recovered from C-PTSD.

But I made it clear on my first post I created the group to have meet-ups and keep in contact with my sons friends. I said he will miss (child names ) and I want them to stay in contact so have created this group, I found it very weird they adding people I don’t know. Why not create a separate one for their own friends? I don’t know must of the people in there now.

Just start another group purely for the invitees to the tea party. No biggie.

My first post on the group I mean, I said “hi guys I’m so said “x” is leaving nursery, will miss u all and let’s keep in contact. I will arrange a meet up next week at home, I’ll let you know a few dates”

@Newusernameaug thank you,

Take the advice from @Newusernameaug and don’t overthink it.

I think from that first message they may have thought it was general group for nursery friends to keep in touch. Not a specific smaller group of your DC close friends

just start a new chat just for the people you want to invite. Don’t make anyone else admin of it

you can always leave the bigger nursery group if you don’t want to interact with the wider group and people you don’t know

Oh that's a bit weird then if they started adding loads after you put that

@Justhereforaibu1 exactly! They’ve had years to create a group as I came in later than them. It was created just for meet-ups with my sons friends.

If that’s the case then it needs to be about the meet up. Literally the opening message and probably the name should propose the event otherwise everyone is just thinking why am I in this group?

Are these people that have been added other mums from nursery?

OK, so there was a bit of a misunderstanding between you and the other mum and it's a bit annoying.

Start a new chat called 'tea party at mine on Saturday' or whatever and invite the few specific mums you want to.

Yeah they’re all from the nursery but I don’t recognise most of the added ones. I think they might be from the baby room so 6 months - 1 year. Whereas my child is 4.

yeah I think it’s a misunderstanding! I don’t think she did it internationally. It’s just it took lots of courage for me to reach out.

How many people were in your group and how many people are in it now?

It's awkward, I agree. I think for the next meet up you want to plan, do as others are saying and create a separate group with the specific date as the title.

my son has been in nursery 2 years. Some have been there since 6 months old. They’re leaving to start school September. I don’t feel it’s too soon at all.

I'm really glad it doesn't feel too soon for you. I guess I was just making that assumption that you haven't met up with them before. I wouldn't invite people to my house until we had been on a few park trips etc...but that's just me. If you feel comfortable with it then that's great! You should go for it!

Don't worry about the misunderstanding. If you make the other group just be really direct about it being just for the people in the new group.

I hope it goes well.

You may want to reframe the misunderstanding of the group getting bigger...they must have thought you were a social butterfly and wanted to bring people together. It also gives you the opportunity to connect with others.