“They’re just jealous”

[IcyBlonde15]

I was never very convinced when my mum said this to me at school etc if someone wasn’t nice to me, it always felt like just dismissing it/trying to make me feel better. However, as an adult, I have seen many women behave appalling towards others, in the workplace, school mums, even family members and it is very clear to me that jealousy is the motivation behind the behaviour. For example a relative who struggles with her weight is always making snide comments about another family member who is very slim and attractive. It’s not hard to see the jealousy. Does anyone else notice this or experienced it? I will admit that, more so when I was younger, any time I have unreasonably disliked somebody, I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit there is in fact an element of jealousy involved.

It depends on the situation. Sometimes people are just perceived as an easy target by nasty people. It definitely isn’t always jealousy.

Jealously can occur at any age. The green eyed monster lives in us all.... one "friend" only wants to hear bad news- never asks about nice events. I've distanced myself from her as its exhausting, and try to hang out more with people who give positive energy

Envious, rather than jealous, really. Unless they want you all to themselves.

My parents used to say it. It's lazy. The petite, well off attractive, blonde girls who ridiculed me in school were certainly not envious of my shit hair, market clothes, glasses and gawkiness. They just enjoyed making me miserable.

I don't use jealous when my kids are upset over other kids; I tell them that the kids either have something lacking in their lives that makes them twats, or there are issues we just don't know about.

Yeah I’ve experienced this. Some people are extremely quick to criticise but slow to complement! It’s so obvious it’s the green eyed monster.

It can be jealousy obviously...but I agree with what @TheMoth says too...sometimes it's just sheer wickedness for the sake of it.

Sometimes people don’t like each other for no apparent reason. I tend to think the “they’re just jealous” trope is a way of making someone feel better about the fact that another person seems to hate them, humans need reasons and explanations for everything and sometimes there just isn’t one.

Only people who are unhappy with themselves go out of their way to make other people feel bad.

It's also said on here on all the time, it sounds like a child when it is mentioned to me

Sure I may not get the situation and think the person doesn't make sense of whatever but I think 'jealous' is way over used

Interesting view. I'm the total opposite. I think the majority of the time when people aren't particularly nice to/about someone it has nothing to do with jealousy, they just dont like you. It seems to be something people say to appease the offended one.
Why do you assume that your fat relative dislikes the other simply because she's attractive? That's what it is, an assumption rather than 'not hard to see'.
I encounter this mostly with school girls, though occasionally with adult women. It does seem quite gender specific.

No, not envy, it's a lack of respect and kindness.

No, I think it’s the kind of thing parents say to children to try to make them feel powerful when dealing with someone’s behaviour they experience as unpleasant, by drawing the sting. Possibly it’s sometimes got some basis in reality, but in the situations in which it’s usually trotted out on here, no. Those ‘school mums’ you think are a ‘clique’ have probably not even noticed you, or they’re just talking to their friends.

I tend to see it more as someone is lacking something in their lives, although it can be jealousy/envy to.

My bright confident dd often gets horrid remarks from some girls who prefer messing about and don't like how clever dd is and how hard she works. I tend to take the angle of "people who are happy in themselves and their lives don't behave that way" rather than the "jealousy" one.

I think this is overused as a reason, tbh. Its certainly true sometimes, but more often I think it's just dislike. It's far more comforting to think it's jealousy, but it's more likely to be because a person is considered to be annoying, antisocial or somehow inferior.

That's not an excuse, of course. But when I think back to the dislike I've experienced or seen, on both sides, jealousy was rarely the cause. I think they covered this on an episode of Frasier.

Yeah, I agree OP, although I would say it stems from insecurity. And on top of that shame from acting like a jackass due to insecurity. And on top of that not really acknowledging and dealing with either the insecurity or the shame.

It’s a bit more complex than just “jealousy”. Plus doesn’t always help you if you’re on the receiving end of their behaviour!

If we are speaking handling situations with children I do not think using the 'they are just jealous' helps things one bit, When my child has problems I do sometimes say there is no way any of can answer why they do it even the child themselves which I think is better than just making something up

And I say this from my own experience as a very very insecure child, youth, and young adult. I’m sure I came across as jealous often. And I was!

But I did the work and grew up.

Far from jealousy, I think it's more often the opposite...a sense of superiority.

Which, obviously, isn't something that secure and happy people do. So it's still about insecurity and comparison. I just don't think it's usually jealousy as much as "well at least I'm not..."

I remember my mum telling me this when I was upset over some minor mean girl behaviour at school. Even then it infuriated me – I knew they certainly weren't jealous of me, and I actually felt a little betrayed by her lazy lack of understanding.

It’s to try to make themselves feel better - jealousy, envy, the desire to ‘take someone down a peg or two’, call it what you will, but it’s the hope that by pointing out perceived flaws for the sake of it you will make someone feel worse about themselves and as a consequence you’ll feel superior to them. Happy, secure, people don’t feel the need to tear others down. Kids who bully are almost always bullied at home, or are trying to fit in with their bullying friends. I strongly believe that if someone says something mean to you, it says everything about them, and nothing about you, nothing worth worrying about anyway. People can only shame you if you let them.

It's used on here far too easily, if you don't agree with a certain type of lifestyle choice, jealousy is the reason apparently

Ime they were just nasty bullying shits. What could a grade three kid have to envy about a total stranger in prep? Or the popular second-formers about the plain, unpopular one?

Yeah, they did this in Frasier. Two plumbers came to fix the loo and they were Frasier and Niles' school bullies. Frasier and Niles said it was down to jealousy, Martin thought it unlikely and that the bullies just didn't like their contemptuous manner.

Turned out one bully had had a terribly critical father. Bullying Niles was one thing he was good at and it made him feel confident. Comically tearful redemption as he realised what he'd done and was truly sorry. The other bully was just a straight up arsehole who couldn't stand Frasier's pretentiousness and still thought the bullying was funny. Comical chase scene as Frasier finally took him on.

Great episode.