Son falling for a girl he hasn't really met

[KingoftheMount]

DS is 18, 19 in Sept. Just finished A-Levels, will be off to uni. He and I are quite close, he tells me about his dating life, asks for advice etc. I know this might not be the norm but I'm not complaining.
DS is quite an intense person when he likes something or someone it can very quickly become his world, I think this is just his personality. He doesn't love it for shorts periods then stop though, he somehow keeps up the intensity.
From August last year to April he was seeing a lovely girl, she broke up with (and cheated on him) because she claimed he was too smothering, the guy she cheated with was one of his friends. DS distanced himself from all of the group, so only really has one friend right now.
Last month he started talking to a girl he will be at the same uni as, she commented on an Instagram post of a sports team he also wants to join, mentioning she would be starting the next year and asking for info. He messaged her and they got talking.
Now he is doing the thing he does where he has made her his world. He spends half the day phoning or facetiming her, the rest messaging her. He talks about her all the time, has started listening to her music and watching her shows.
She is very pretty so I told DS to be careful it wasn't someone catfishing him, he got me to speak to her on facetime so I know she is real.
She doesn't live close but he is wanting to use some money from his summer job to go see her for her birthday next month. I just walked past his room, his door was open and I overheard him saying "Love you ..... I really do" I didn't hear if she replied.
She seems less intense though, often he will be in a sulk and I will ask why, he tells me she hasn't replied or similar.
They are doing different courses, staying in different halls etc.

I'm terrified that DS is setting himself up to be hurt and more so, she will join the club for the only really hobby he has these days, so if it doesn't work out he won't want to go to that so he night struggle to make friends.

AIBU to tell DS to ease off a bit and see what happens when they have moved to uni in two months? or is this the norm for teens these days?

I have a teen DS about to start Uni and I don't think that's the norm no.

I don't think this is normal, no, and I would be concerned if I were you. His ex called him smothering and he's being clearly smothering with another young woman. You might want to talk to him about boundaries and respectful behaviour.

He is an adult. It’s none of your business and you would do him and a favour stepping back, in my opinion.

Get him to watch You with you.

The issue isn’t (just) whether he’s about to have his heart broken.

The issue is -

1. He smothers/love bombs women.
2. He doesn’t understand women’s boundaries
3. he doesn’t possibly understand what is too much/when to stop himself.

Let’s play this out. Let’s say he keeps doing this - and keeps getting left by woman after woman after woman.

his intensity grows and grows and one day when 5th women has left him - his broken heart is ANGRY.

what happens then?

so the conversation to be had is about boundaries. If you’re as close as you say you are you will be speaking to him about boundaries and how they need respecting.

Of course you feel concerned, but you mustn't get too involved.
It doesn't work at university to only have a very few friends, and over intense males do not attract females...

Sorry I had to laugh at females. Think I've been watching too much Friday Night Dinner

There is literally nothing you can do, except be there to pick up the bits.

I think you have to tell him he may be coming across as a raging pain in the arse when he likes someone and will just put them off every time.

He is an adult. It’s none of your business and you would do him and a favour stepping back, in my opinion.

Adults get things wrong every day and your learning isn’t done when you hit the magic age of 18. He’s clearly got some unhealthy behaviours when it comes to women that are causing difficulties for both himself and the women, so there would be nothing wrong with his mum having a gentle, loving conversation about it.

She’s his mum, he still lives in her house, she’s going to have a life-long relationship with him. Of course she doesn’t want to see him repeating the same mistake he seems blind to for years until he figures it out on his own.

You should be able to count on your closest family and friends to take an interest in your life and when they see you acting in a way that doesn’t serve your interests or other people’s, be prepared to gently speak up out of care.

My brothers - both autistic but without intellectual disabilities- did this. One of the brothers was only diagnosed as an adult.
tbh I was like this as a teen and in my early 20s too - totally obsessive about anyone I fancied, fortunately the last obsession turned out to be mutual and we’re married ten years, but I do now also suspect I’m autistic too - this obsessional behaviour is one of the reasons why - I don’t see other people doing it which leads me to thing it’s “atypical”.
My brothers and I feel very intensely about everything - good or bad. People tell me our level of emotional engagement is “not normal”

so no - I don’t think your son’s obsessional behaviour sounds “normal”.

Sorry just to add - one of the things that can be hard to get my head round is the difference - or even distance- between feelings and actions.
meditation is helpful for creating a bit of distance which can give more control in the moment which can result in better outcomes. Might be worth exploring with your son if he has these intense emotions in other areas of his life too

I had a friend like this. She used to home in on one man and get obsessed. She was so intense they would run a mile. She was doing this from around the age of 18. A couple of blokes actually had to pretend to be gay to get her off their backs. She only really calmed down when in her late 30s when she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She's nearly 50 now and still single.

Firstly, you are too involved, so step back. Secondly, his behaviour is way too much and is ringing alarm bells. I wonder how it is perceived by the girl he is interested in.

I'm sorry your son got hurt in the past.

I would be concerned that his behaviour could possibly be symptomatic of a greater mental health issue. It's normal to have crushes but this sounds much more intense and like it's become a pattern of unhealthy behaviour.

People with conditions like BPD or can form quick, intense, and volatile attachments to people that end up blowing up or becoming really destructive for everyone involved. I'm not saying your son necessarily has this condition, just giving an example of what could be going on with him.

I would also be concerned that he dropped his friendship group the way he did- that also fits the pattern of conditions like BPD where the sufferer either goes 'You're my entire world' or 'I never want to see you again, I'm done' and oscillates between the two way faster than the average person.

My SIL has this condition and has gone through patterns of having these obsessions with people and relationships, which then either blow up or she moves on alarmingly quickly. She has left a string of broken relationships and friendships behind her because of her MH issues.

Only you can know if any of this is even relevant or helpful info- it might not sound like your DS at all. But I would consider talking to him and possibly a doctor. He is about to go to uni, which is a big emotional step and a strain on any young kid. I would be worried about him struggling to cope and having MH issues down the line if you don't get this checked out.

*meant to say BPD or bipolar disorder

If I was the girl’s mother, I’d be telling her to steer clear. He is just way too much.