To think addiction doesn't stop you picking up the phone?

[NenaD]

I'll keep it as brief as I can.

My addict parent relapsed after a year of sobriety and us rebuilding a relationship.

The relapse happened a few months after I receive a potentially life limiting diagnosis and am told to prepare myself for major surgery.

The relapse is categorically nothing to do with my diagnosis btw. It was building up before my health stuff came to light.

So they've gone back to the life they knew and are accustomed to, no surprise there, but what does surprise me is how not once have they bothered to call me and see if I'm OK, or even alive 😐 They manage to stay in touch with other relatives.

That part is not the addiction is it? Do you think addiction means somebody can't pick up the phone? Do you think it's simply a case of them not caring about me?

I've known other people with addict parents, they didn't behave like this. They still bothered to contact their kids.

My alcoholic father never contacted me.
He lived very close to my siblings and one of them he called non stop for assistance, but not the other one.
It was a case of out of sight out of mind with me.
Funnily enough, since he’s been in a home I’m the only one that visits even though I’m the one he never called.

In theory you are correct and obviously your parent’s behaviour is appalling and must be deeply upsetting.

But addiction is bound up with a huge degree of shame and self hatred and a lot of inertia. I imagine someone who is struggling to remain clean anyway and who presumably has deep seated problems of low self worth might have found the serious illness of a child too upsetting to confront.

I’m not excusing the btw. Just trying to put in some context.

On some level, it's possible that she feels horrendously ashamed of how she's treating you (as a result of her alcoholism taking over) so has tried to block it out and as such can't face speaking to you at all as a result.

Alcoholics brains don't work the same as normal people (I'm in recovery) so you can't apply normal logic.

It's shit but, if she was a better Mum when she was sober then, yes, the crap Mum is because of her addiction

Relapse is part of recovery … most people in recovery will relapse, it’s all about how quickly you can get yourself back into abstinence.

I doubt the lack of contact is about you, it’s about them … it’s more likely about shame, self-loathing, judgment etc.

To be honest, i think addiction is just far far too complicated.

Your time and efforts are better spent on yourself and your upcoming challenges.

I know how hurtful it is for a parent to chose a substance over you time and time again, for you to do the mental gymnastics when they do throw some crumbs of attention your way, and NONE of this is your fault or yours to fix.

Just know there are people out there rooting for you, and focus your energy towards them.

Thank you for the replies. It's good to hear from others who can see it through a different lense.

I'm doing OK for the most part but every once in a while I'll think of her and then think to myself, how could you? If the shoe were on the other foot I would be calling to check on her all of the time, as I have previously.

I don't think she likes me very much and never has really. She's been trying to get rid of me for 15 years. It's the mother wound isn't it? It's not about her personally but her role and what she should have been, what I'm lacking as a consequence.

It's life events like this that throw into very sharp relief, about what being a mother or parent means, and about your role as a daughter or child is in response.

It's really difficult to come to terms with when your also going through challenges yourself at the same time, because let's face it we all want a person to give us a hug when times and tough and say its going to be OK, I think lots of us deal with it by knowing there are other people who have that place in our lives.

I find swinging by the stately homes thread is really helpful at times, just to voice it with others who are in similar positions.

I'd stop wasting any time on her, OP. Sounds like a repeated "when people show you who they are, believe them" situation.