For telling him to leave?

[Stingslikeabee]

A few evenings ago, my DH was making a sandwich for our youngest and was making such a fuss about it, I sighed, rolled my eyes and snapped fgs let me do it.

He then shouted at me. Really angry, bulgy eyes shouting at me about how awful I was. Other than to ask him to stop shouting, I didnt respond and just carried on with what I was doing because the children were in the room. DC1 actually told him to stop shouting at mummy and he then launched into an explanation to them telling them why I deserved it. I told him if he felt that way he should leave.

After we'd got the kids to bed, he told me I should apologise. I refused so he left and I haven't heard from him since.

We have another house which is between tenants so I know where he is and I'm not worried about him. I'm just doubting myself and wondering if IABU for refusing to apologise because I did start it by snapping.

The DC are asking about their dad and I don't really know what to say. I could probably end this in a few minutes if I just apologise and then their dad will be home but otoh I don't feel like my DC should have to see that. It's not the first or even second time and I think it will happen again at some point as he genuinely doesn't see the issue with the shouting as in his view, it was my fault for making him angry.

I just don't know what to do next. It all seems a bit silly that this has gone on for a few days.

If you’re snappy and rude about him making a sandwich and his response it to get very angry then your relationship is awful.
Unless you both learn how to be kind to each other then I think you’re done.

Nope as I bet he purposefully mucked up making the sandwich so you would take over. If you were honest with yourself and us is this the first time he’s displayed weaponised incompetence and you have called him out for it?

He sounds like a complete asshat, what was the song n dance over the sandwich about?

sounds like some space is what you need - has this stuff been going on for a while?

Well, this obviously runs deeper than the situation outlined, cos most people wouldn't snap over a sandwich and most people wouldn't lose their shit at being snapped at over a sandwich.

Sulking... How attractive. He's waiting for an apology.

Don't bother!

The sandwich thing is so stupid. It's all so stupid. I was already making our dinner and he announced DC wanted a sandwich. So I said I'm doing dinner, you can make it👍

Which he did but it was all like: "Huff! Can't find the right butter." "Why are the children always hungry after childcare don't they get fed" Etc. When he said he couldn't slice the cheese because there wasn't the right knife in the drawer. I looked and there were 3 perfectly suitable ones, hence me snapping fgs I'll do it.

Obviously our relationship isn't great. We don't want the kids to have separated parents so we are trying to work through it. I'm not sure we're doing a good job. It's all a mess.

Kids having separated parents will probably be less damaging than growing up in an unhappy household watching parents shout at each other then move out and back in tbh.

From the picture you’ve painted, the relationship sounds pretty dysfunctional and this kind of dynamic creates a toxic environment for your kids.
You probably both need to work on your communication towards each other, but his ‘disappearing’ act makes me think he is probably incapable of that.
He clearly doesn’t respect you, and is now using manipulative behaviour to undermine you. Is this the life you want?

In maybe 20 years time you'll realise how ridiculous you were for staying so your children didn't have separated parents but instead had to put up with bickering, argumentative parents who can't speak to each other decently about even minor stuff.

in his view, it was my fault for making him angry

Was it now? That's what my ex used to say after he'd hit me. It was all my fault apparently, because if I hadn't made him angry he wouldn't have hit me, would he?

He will never change his view, and he will always insist that he is in the right, and you are to blame for his outbursts. Every time he gets abusive, he will blame you for his abuse of you and tell you it is your fault for causing his anger. Do you really want to bring up kids in a home like that, where they will learn to normalise abuse? No, you don't.