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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can I have advice please on friendships.

18 replies

Anxious114 · 15/07/2023 10:52

I have complex PTSD from childhood trauma just for context not written for any other reason other than to explain I find small things really stressful and don’t handle stress and little things like a “normal” person would shrug off.

I’m trying to make changes in my life for my kids sake. One thing is to get friendly with people. I went out on my first ever mums night out recently and pushed through it. This gave me confidence to start meeting other mums from my youngest child’s group, I set up a WhatsApp group for 5 of us that all the kids play with. One mum asked me to make them all admins and they are starting to add names of people I don’t know! My child will be leaving nursery soon and it’s overwhelming for me as I don’t know these added people. I just feel like coming out of the group as I know I won’t enjoy meeting this huge crowd whereas before 5 was my comfort point plus I knew these 5 mins very well. I’m really upset how this turned out and I’m kind of thinking this had to happen to me! Other groups I’ve been added to people don’t do that they don’t request others to join in the meetup or to be made admin. My first time creating a group.

how can I navigate this world I’m finding so difficult and stressful? Please advise. I find life so hard and I know it shouldn’t be

OP posts:

orangeleavesinautumn · 15/07/2023 10:54

just go to small meetups, not big ones

Mary46 · 15/07/2023 10:56

Yes dates may not suit all of them I prefer smaller groups too to meet up.

Original poster

Anxious114 · 15/07/2023 10:56

@orangeleavesinautumn that will be difficult now as people are adding more and more people

OP posts:

NoTMyNamea · 15/07/2023 10:59

Anxious114 · 15/07/2023 10:56

@orangeleavesinautumn that will be difficult now as people are adding more and more people

You're over thinking. I had a WhatsApp group with around 6 nursery mums. We've all then made other school mum friends now they're at school, those mums have been added too. When we meet up usually in groups of 3 or 4 mums at most unless it's a birthday party - people are very busy there's no way a big group of people will be meeting up regularly. Just stay in the group but message the mums you want to meet up with separately to plan a get together.

Original poster

Anxious114 · 15/07/2023 11:07

The issue I’m feeling anxious is people are adding loads and I have no idea what they’re names are or whose mum they are. I’m feeling really overwhelmed. I was planning a dinner for mums. This will be so awkward!!

OP posts:

electriclight · 15/07/2023 11:22

I think that they do not see the WhatsApp group the same as you do. You considered it to be a friendship group but it sounds as if the other people thought of it more as a 'nursery mums' group. I don't think you need to do anything do you? It's so big it'll take on a life of its own and there are several other admins. It'll end up being general nursery chat and the odd 'everyone meet at the park' or night out thing. Just join in as much or as little as you want.

If you want to organise a smaller meet up, just contact those people directly or set up a smaller group called something relevant.

Original poster

Anxious114 · 15/07/2023 11:33

That’s the thing tho it was created by me for the mums whose kids are leaving nursery but seems like it will become a nursery type group that you said. Our kids are leaving next week but there are parents whose kids will still be there for next 2 years (pre-school is age 2-4, then they leave at 4 to go nursery). I really don’t want to be hearing about nursery admin things after I’ve left.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anxious114 · 15/07/2023 11:34

*I mean reception! Not nursery again

OP posts:

GardeningIdiot · 15/07/2023 12:12

Set up another grip for the original five in order to arrange the dinner. Keep this to just the five.

faw2009 · 15/07/2023 12:15

Mute is your friend here.

nutbrownhare15 · 15/07/2023 12:19

I would mute the group and set up a new group with the original 5 mums and use it for the purpose you wanted. Just say 'hope you don't mind a separate group! I particularly enjoy meeting up with you 5 and the kids so I hope it's ok to use this group to plan meet ups just between the 5 of us'.

Jammything8 · 15/07/2023 12:26

I can't understand why the person asked you to make it that there was more than 1 admin this isn't how a group chat works usually. How mums are you friends with out of the 5? How many would you meet up for a coffee with?

I would mute the group chat and just explain to the mums you are close with you with directly message them and ask them to do the same for for you.

Notmineagain · 15/07/2023 12:34

GardeningIdiot · 15/07/2023 12:12

Set up another grip for the original five in order to arrange the dinner. Keep this to just the five.

Don't do this. These mums are your child's friends parents and not your friends group. Creating another group with 5 of you again just makes you come across weird and passive aggressive. They view it as a nursery group.

GardeningIdiot · 15/07/2023 13:47

OP said she wanted to invite them all out for dinner, @Notmineagain, so as long as she does it in a straightforward, non-passive-aggressive way, she can't see the problem.

Original poster

Anxious114 · 15/07/2023 19:40

It’s getting me more and more annoyed as there’s lots of people on there now who I don’t know and have no idea who their kids are! I wanted a group to keep in contact with parents and kids I knew already not meet new ones. I feel overwhelmed with the thought of meeting new people and new friends in September in my sons school. It’s really disappointing how this has turned out,

OP posts:

Notmineagain · 16/07/2023 10:17

This is your child's setting op not yours. You are confusing a group of women who have their kids in common for a group of personal friends. They have the right idea in adding all the other nursery parents and the fact that they all seem to be doing it tells you it's normal. You are looking for personal friends in the wrong place. This is about your dd not you. This is like saying your dd best friends needs to be made from your friends children.

OMG12 · 16/07/2023 10:25

I understand. It’s the feeling that it’s out of control and has people in there that are an unknown quantity, it’s changed your plans all of these things are really difficult to cope with with ptsd. You’re under stress re the coming changes and trying to control them

do you have a therapist? This is obviously a stressor for you and would be best talked through with a therapist who is aware of your past and triggers

MagpiePi · 16/07/2023 10:26

@Notmineagain - what an odd view!
I made a lot of friends that are mothers of my children’s friends, and we are still in touch even though the children are in their 20s now. We moved just before my dc started school and I didn’t know anyone. Maybe you already had loads of friends and didn’t feel the need to make any more?

If you get on with people, why does it matter how you met them?

I am in several smaller WhatsApp groups with friends that have overlapping members, and I am sure they have groups that don’t include me. Nothing wrong with this IMO.

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