Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Problems with DH - long rant I'm sorry

27 replies

Tinkywinky85 · 15/07/2023 10:20

I've been with DH for 5 years now and I just don't know what normal is meant to be anymore. I think our relationship is mainly platonic. We argue so much, albeit sometimes over the smallest things but it escalates and creates a negative atmosphere. And I know the problem is with me because it takes me ages,.emotionally, to get over arguments.

Since being in this marriage Ive just become more cold, less sentimental, less caring and I've really lost myself. There are lots of things we both need to change but with him its always "I'm working on it, I'm changing" but its like how long do i have to wait. Whereas with me, i just feel if I've done something to annoy him it's world war 3. Whenever I want something done its a huge drama and tbh I find it disrespectful that he can't respect my requests and of course then it turns into me nagging, whereas when he wants something a certain way, I just get on with it. also been many big life events where he's really not been there for me and I'm finding it really hard to let go of this. Even though he's apologised and said he wouldn't do it again (after I explained it to him, didnt realise on his own) , I'm still so hurt by this deep down - mainly because its not just happened on one occasion. Am i being a cow and should i just get over it and move on? Is it normal to always feel annoyed?

Sorry none of this probably makes any sense

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 15/07/2023 10:28

Is it his upbringing? Mine is quite detached too and life is all about him. He’s not in time with others. Sounds like yours. Mine is great at diY and has earned a lot so there are compensations but he’s not a natural at thinking of others. Yes, I agree it’s disappointing but finding the perfect man is a challenge. I think you maybe have to concentrate on his good points. What were they when you married him? Maybe press the reset button.

Aldo don’t directly ask him to do things. Discuss what the agenda might be first - eg do you think we need some more shelves in the lounge? Shall I get a handyman in? Give him options. Negotiate.

Original poster

Tinkywinky85 · 15/07/2023 11:02

@TizerorFizz thank you for your response. Yeah I guess he didn't have the greatest of upbringings but is in a very good job now and doing well.

I just find it really difficult to get past some of his actions. He can be really selfish at times but yes you're right, finding Mr Perfect doesn't ever happen.

If I'm being honest, I'd say the first few months of us dating were nice but then something happened in the family and he was really not there for me when I needed someone the most. Since then it all went downhill and I did try to call it off but he got really hurt by this and said he would change. I also had pressure from the family to stick with him. And even our wedding time isnt exactly a nice memeory as his family caused a lot of havoc. Even after marriage there have been times ive wanted to call it a day but he doesnt let me. I do feel trapped now. But he's a good guy, not physically abusive, doesn't drink, would never cheat - I guess I should count my blessings instead of focusing on the negatives.

OP posts:

TheOpenRoad · 15/07/2023 11:06

It sounds like you are not compatible. A relationship should be supportive and loving, arguments happen of course but there has to be a foundation of respect and care. If that isn't there, it sounds like your life will be easier without him

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/07/2023 11:06

Sorry I think your relationship has run its course and you’re not compatible. It just shouldn’t be this hard.

Imagine spending the rest of your lives in endless petty arguments about trivia.

It’s a LTB from me.

Isheabastard · 15/07/2023 12:09

I was unhappy and there had been things from many years ago that I had still felt upset about (eg him going back into work on the day I gave birth). I like you didn’t know if it was me or him. He told me it was always me.

I went to see a well qualified therapist. I am now divorcing. Although it’s not easy I have never had second thoughts.

It’s also possible for two perfectly ok people to get into an unhealthy dynamic in their relationship, but this needs both people to work really hard to change.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/07/2023 12:12

You are allowed to leave. it sounds like there's no kids so you really have no reason to stay. You aren't trapped and you sound miserable.

Wildspace · 15/07/2023 12:18

Does sound like you’ve got an unhealthy dynamic going on. I’m not sure what you are getting out of this marriage - it doesn’t sound like a partnership.

nutbrownhare15 · 15/07/2023 12:24

It's not normal to always feel annoyed, no. This is no way to live. You are allowed to leave. Have a think about whether you would like to salvage things and what needs to change in order for you to be happy Maybe counselling? Either way you need to communicate what you need whether that's leaving or him taking steps to make things better. You could think about what you'd like to change about yourself too. Ultimately you deserve to be happy and it sounds like you haven't been for quite some time.

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/07/2023 12:24

If you want to try, then counselling (with or without him) may help you get back on the same page. But there's nothing wrong with splitting up if you want to. It sounds like you're really miserable. You only get one life so don't stay if you don't want to

TizerorFizz · 15/07/2023 12:34

I think if you can both tackle the arguments over trivial issues you might be happier. Both of you need to learn not to rise up to every negative comment. Very difficult when they keep coming at you. Pick your fights though.

Also try and do more together. Agree where to go and what to do. Plan what you can both enjoy.

The grass is not always greener. I would only leave after you have tried different strategies to work through this and failed. Ideally he should work through the issues too.,

Topee · 15/07/2023 12:46

Do you love him? It doesn’t sound as though you do.

Ellie56 · 15/07/2023 13:08

Even after marriage there have been times ive wanted to call it a day but he doesnt let me. I do feel trapped now.

If you are not happy and want to leave, you can. You are an adult and can make your own decisions.

He doesn't get to "let" you or decide for you.

billy1966 · 15/07/2023 13:14

You shouldn't have married him and you are not compatible.

You will remain feeling like this and wasting more time until you accept this reality.

The choice is yours.

But your marriage sounds clearly over, in fact it never had a chance, you didn't ever want to marry him.

Accept it and make plans to split amicably.

neilyoungismyhero · 15/07/2023 13:19

I was bullied into staying- big big huge mistake- you have no commitments leave now.

Hadalifeonce · 15/07/2023 13:25

You knew before you married him, but were persuaded to go through with it.
Now is the time to call an end to this, it won't get any better, he won't change. Do it now before it all gets too complicated, and you find yourself list in his life

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/07/2023 13:34

You don’t sound compatible or happy. You can’t change other people so, if you don’t like who he is now, leaving is an option. The bit that stood out for me is being unable to forgive him or move on from him not being there for you. It’s never going to work if you are resentful of him.

Silvered · 15/07/2023 13:35

You don't need him to "let" you do anything. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. That includes leaving the relationship and filing for divorce.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/07/2023 13:38

Even after marriage there have been times ive wanted to call it a day but he doesnt let me. I do feel trapped now. But he's a good guy, not physically abusive, doesn't drink, would never cheat - I guess I should count my blessings instead of focusing on the negatives.

He may not be physically abusive but this could definitely be seen as controlling and abusive! If one person wants to end the relationship, that’s it regardless of what the other one wants. I tried to end my relationship with my first boyfriend and he didn’t let me. Looking back on the situation, he was emotionally abusive to me.

Gymnopedie · 15/07/2023 13:47

Even after marriage there have been times ive wanted to call it a day but he doesnt let me.

What does 'he doesn't let me' look like? Threats (financial, physical), emotional blackmail (I'll kill myself or similar), belittling you (you won't manage on your own, no-one else will ever want you)?

He can't hold a gun to your head or chain you to the wall. If you want to leave you can. And it sounds like you should.

Original poster

Tinkywinky85 · 15/07/2023 15:50

Thank you everyone for your comments ans advice, really appreciate it. Sorry I should have mentioned the "he doesn't let me" is more because he wants to keep making it work. He always tells me he's so happy and wouldn't change anything...

I think the problem is me and being resentful.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinkywinky85 · 15/07/2023 15:52

P.s can anyone recommend a good counselling course? Worth a try I think

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 15/07/2023 15:52

So maybe work on why you feel like that so you can be more relaxed? Could that be facilitated?

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 15/07/2023 16:32

Tinkywinky85 · 15/07/2023 15:50

I think the problem is me and being resentful.

You don't need to sacrifice your happiness for his. If he really loved you he'd want your happiness even at the expense of his own. But the reality is, he doesn't want the relationship to end because as he admits, he's very happy.
This sounds like way more hard work than it should be. Does the thought of being without him, having your own home, doing your own thing make you feel happy?

Gymnopedie · 15/07/2023 16:45

I should have mentioned the "he doesn't let me" is more because he wants to keep making it work. He always tells me he's so happy and wouldn't change anything...

Well good for him. You are equally entitled to say you don't want to anymore and you're not happy. Your view is as valid as his, his 'I want' doesn't have to translate to 'so I get'. You've given him several chances and he's blown them all.

What I would say though, is that if you're worried/scared of actually leaving because you don't know what the future would be like, don't hide behind his 'won't let you'. Any short term pain would be worth the long term gain.

Pamspeople · 15/07/2023 16:59

Why does him wanting to make is work outweigh you being unhappy and wanting to leave? What you want is just as important. You're allowed to end a relationship, you don't need his permission or for him to agree or for him to be happy about it.

You only need to give yourself permission.

Flip

1 2