Still holding onto last years summer fling in current relationship. AIBU?

[tornandlost]

TW: Miscarriage/Medical Abortion

Last July, I matched with Ross on Tinder. Ross and I agreed to go for a drink and check in with each other after the first to confirm if we wanted the night to continue, we both did and I was more than impressed with his ability to communicate and listen!

We continued to casually date for the rest of July and August. I was finishing my thesis in university while working full-time and became really overwhelmed and ill from stress, Ross came over and just held me while I cried and reassured me that everything was going to be alright.

He provided advice but asked if I wanted it first, encouraged a better and healthier lifestyle, and shared a lot of resources with me that I still use and value a year later. We laughed, were goofy, but were also healthy communicators who understood each others boundaries.

Our sex life was incredible and I still catch myself day dreaming about our sex (I was on Cerazette and we also used condoms). One night the condom tore and the following morning we went to the pharmacy to get the morning after as a precaution and thought absolutely nothing of it.

Ross turned 30 in August and decided to spontaneously quit his job and travel from September. We amicably ended things in September, and he encouraged me to work hard and clear my debt so I could also travel. His parting gift was a weekend in Lisbon so I could reunite with my friends, flights and accomdation paid.

It was around this time that I noticed my period was late and I was pregnant. Ross immediately called over and held me, reassuring me that I had options, and he would be supportive of any path I chose. I shared all the reasons why I felt I couldn’t have a child i.e. I was in debt and had no fixed abode, and he reassured me that I wouldn’t ever be stuck or homeless. His travel plans were consequently delayed until I figured out what I was doing.

Of course, after taking Cerazette and continuing to, along with the morning after, the foetus had developed defects and wouldn’t survive outside the womb and they couldn’t guarantee I would go full-term. They encouraged a medical abortion, and both Ross and I agreed it was in our best interest. We cried, laughed, hugged, and felt more like lifelong friends than two people who had just met two months ago.

Ross went off to travel and I’m working hard to pay off my debt to travel.

In the meantime, I ended up meeting Paul who I thought I was compatible with. I was adament I didn’t want a relationship but I found myself wanting to be with this man! It started off strong but I recently realized he’s not the type of partner that I want. Paul doesn’t know how to comfort me, if I cry around Paul, he shrivels up like a prune and keeps a distance! Our sense of humour is different, and I don’t think we’ve ever uncontrollably laughed together unless one of us was being tickled. He’s still healing from his childhood and past relationships, and I’m still healing from my summertime sadness. Paul loves me. He reminds me daily, he compliments me, but I feel I meet his idea of the perfect woman more than anything else.

Lately, I can’t stop thinking about Ross, he told me not to waste my 20s unhappy in relationships and the words are echoing in my head. The reality is, I’m not happy with Paul and I keep comparing him to Ross. Our sex life is very mild and lately non-existent so I feel like my needs aren’t being met both physically and emotionally. Paul recently confessed he’s feeling very depressed but isn’t doing anything to actively help himself or change, and I have tried to be supportive and encouraging but he doesn’t want to do anything I actually suggest!

My issue is we have a holiday booked to Greece in August with flights paid. I would feel guilty breaking up with him beforehand but I know I would hate the holiday with him.

I know I need to let go of Ross and spend time alone to truly heal, and I am due to start back at counselling in the following weeks. I just don’t know how to deal with Paul.

I think you already know what you need to do. If you’re coming here for validation that you need to break up with Paul now then you have it. Holiday who knows.. one of you can go, can you change the name and go with someone else, or just let him go on his own.

This was initially a “solo” trip as my cousin lives in Greece, so my original plan was to stay with her for the 10 days I am away until Paul wanted to come along and we had to book a hotel (free cancellation, pay at the property). I will still be going on this holiday!

Why are you crying around Paul so often barely a few months into the "relationship"?

In which case go back to your plan A assuming your cousin is still up for hosting you. If Paul still wants to go he can sort his own accommodation out.

Anytime I’ve cried around Paul (very few times) was first when my sister emigrated (I was sad my best friend had moved away) and the rest of the times have actually been because of Paul being a dick. Hence why I’m not happy with him.

Op, end it with Paul and take a break from men. You don't need to constantly catapult from one relationship into another.

Ross is irrelevant.

you are not happy with Paul.

Dump Paul! This isn’t rocket science!

And maybe think about calming down and being single a bit? For two fairly short-term things, there seems to have been an awful lot of crying and overwhelm and healing and trauma and comforting.

And an awful lot of self-self vocabulary about ‘healthy communication’ and ‘providing resources’ and ‘better and healthier lifestyles’.

(Don’t you have friends you can turn to for support in a crisis? It’s a bit concerning that you seem to turn short term boyfriends into main sources of support…)

I completely agree. Prior to Ross and Paul, I never dated so close together nor was even romantically interested in anyone (just your casual uni hookups), so having both so close together probably didn’t help the feeling of being overwhelmed.

I guess I’m just a bit nervous to dump Paul. I don’t want to put him out regarding the holiday and he said he’s depressed with me being the only good thing in his life, so I don’t want to add to that though I know it’s envitable. I guess I feel trapped with Paul as he isn’t emotionally or mentally stable at the moment.

My friends are great supports as is my counsellor (returning to him). I didn’t catapult from relationship to relationship for comfort, in fact, I’ve never really opened up to either man about the reasons why I go/went to counselling!

I cried twice in front of Ross, the evening I felt ill from stress (I had a limited time scale to complete my work, wasn’t eating, felt so lost, had mouth ulcers) and the second was when we agreed to have a medical abortion. Each time he just held me, wiped my tears, and made me feel less alone.

Paul on the other hand has made me cry too many times. I guess he thinks he’s funny but really seems like an ass instead.

So why waste another second on this ass? His mental health and stability are not your problem. And if you’re the ‘only good thing in his life’, then he should have been nicer to you, shouldn’t he? Just ditch and block and don’t date anyone for quite a while. You’re not ‘trapped’, you’re making the choice to prioritise the feelings of an ass who is unpleasant to you over your own feelings. This is a choice you are making. Stop making it. Choose yourself.

Why are you still considering going on holiday with a man you appear not to even like?

Whether Ross was ever a factor or not, Paul sounds shit. It helps that you have someone to compare him to that's more like the kind of relationship you want, but PPs are right, you don't actually have to be with anyone.
But you definitely don't need Paul!!

Very simple. Dump Paul. Forget the holiday.

Finish with Paul. Cancel the hotel. If he still wants to travel, he can make his own plans. Paul isn't your problem to solve.

I think obviously end it but op I cannot help but see how reliant you are on needing someone and your emotions seem extremely fragile? I’m not talking about the termination of course that’s a highly emotional time, but you don’t appear to have much strength on your own?

Im just wondering why? Have you spent much time on your own? I would be focusing purely on myself at this stage.

Im all for good energy and reassurance but this appears quite excessive, I rarely cry so I can’t really relate so maybe it’s my personality but it appears a lot of crying going on to?

Leave Paul, decisively.

(Offer him your flight, for an admin charge he can change the name on the ticket, go with a friend instead).

Don't let yourself dwell on Ross. When you find yourself thinking about him, note that and then consciously turn your thoughts to something else.

Paul is a dick. Ross isn’t relevant at all.

I am going to guess you are romanticising Ross. He sounds like a decent bloke. You dated casually. He had plans that you couldn’t go along with (travel) he had no interest in something long term with you.

The whole ‘clear your debt and start travelling’ is really odd advice. Since you do travel, your friend and family are in Lisburn so I take it that’s where you are from. But it wasn’t ‘sort your debt and join me’.

Ross sounds a bit patronising to be honest. But that could be just how it’s written in the Op. I think there’s a huge possibility that if you were actually together living a normal life, you wouldn’t believe he was some perfect man.

People can appear wonderful when they are dating for a very short period, casually.

You need get rid of Paul. You need to stop imagining Ross as some elite man who no one else can come close to. Because really, you knew him for a few months. You have no idea what he would actually be like. But Ross isn’t the reason that it’s not working with Paul. Go to Greece, see you cousin. Forget Paul.

The whole ‘you are the only good thing in my life’ is pure manipulation to guilt you into not dumping him

Ross is perfect because he’s not there, you never got to the he’s annoying stage.
Be on your own for a while and work on your resilience

This!!

The problem is you still carry a torch for Ross and trying to blame Paul to remove any blame from yourself

Paul isn't working out, dump Paul.

You're idealising the Ross relationship, when it was just a short fling. If you meant as much to him as you are trying to portray, then he would still be getting in touch with you and you'd have somehow arranged to travel together. It was nice, but it wasn't a true love. Letting go of unrealistic dreams is as important as getting rid of boyfriends who don't work out.

Get back into counselling before trying other relationships, this level of sobbing on random men isn't healthy. The medical abortion must have been very upsetting, and it's important to take some breathing room to process those feelings before moving on.

Just pick up the phone now and tell Paul it’s over.

Cancel the hotel. Break up with Paul (big girl pants on, just do it).
If you can, maybe offer to cover his flights. I would, but I have a tendency to be too nice and I would not want to see him on the flights if he decides to go anyway.

Have a great holiday with your friend. Take some time for yourself, with your girlfriend.

And as for Ross, you are idealizing him. Relationships such as this (with a deadline as he was traveling) can be heady and intense, plus the additional emotional pull of a pregnancy and difficult decisions. But as PP said, you hadn't got to the boring bit yet. And so, he will remain exciting to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but it is important to be realistic about what it actually was. It was a lot of fun, over a short space of time. You shouldn't base future decisions or wait for something similar as it might never happen. (Sorry!)

Anyway, Paul sounds like he is too much hard work. I could tolerate that short term after a ten year marriage, for example, but at this point? Hell no. It's supposed to be light and fun and you can't get enough of each other.

Do yourself and Paul a favour, pick up the phone and end it with him.

Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone. I broke up with Paul this evening, he said he seen it coming and completely understood my reasons and apologised. He cried and said he hasn’t been himself and that he couldn’t even have sex with me because of it, I just reiterated he needed to prioritise his mental health and focus on becoming happier because the relationship wasn’t healthy for either of us. Hopefully this will be the kick he needs to start taking care of himself.

As for the holiday, he is going to try and get a refund (won’t happen) and I am going to contact Ryanair to see if they can transfer his ticket to him from my account tomorrow.

As for Ross, I am romanticising this man! I need to snap out of it because you’re all right, I didn’t have the time to get bored or feel bored with him. He wasn’t “perfect” for me either but I appreciated the way he did treat me, and expect the same treatment in future relationships (which could be argued as the bare minimum).

As for me, I’m going to focus on myself and my own mental health. I want to reassure you all I’m not jumping from one man to another for comfort, but will admit that the company is of course nice. Dating isn’t a priority and it probably won’t be for a very long time. Paul was my first “adult” relationship (my last was when I was 17) and we weren’t compatible which is completely okay.

Thank you all ❤️

I won’t be offering to cover his flights. It is a nice sentiment but I don’t want to personally. I have been too nice in the past and over compensated for small things which became an unhealthy habit and ended up with people walking all over me, so I’m concious of not being too nice here but instead fair.