I’m very anxious and worried people don’t like me

[Anxious114]

I’m naturally an anxious person, I worry about everything. Childhood was neglectful so if I didn’t worry about things they didn’t get done so I’ve grown up worrying about stuff.

I don’t get invited out much but recently a group of ladies invited me but I’m worried how I came across! I don’t know them well but I found it hard to know when it was the right time to talk and I ended up a few times talking over a couple of them! I apologised. I find it so hard to relax. Funny thing is right at the start of the evening I was so relaxed and “normal” but as evening went on I found it overwhelming with the noise etc. nd my anxiety returned. In that situation what would you have thought if me?

It could be that they noticed that you seemed a bit uncomfortable (but that's ok because literally everyone has quirks that "even" out over time) or that they didn't notice a thing.

But would it be easier for you to get to know them/people 1 to 1? I mean don't limit yourself and turn down / actively avoid group invitations, but would it be more helpful to take a 1 to 1 approach generally?

@lilymani yes that’s an idea. I think generally I feel more comfortable one to one. I just find it so hard to understand social cues like when to talk etc. I didn’t actually start going out till my late 20’s. I never went to restaurants till I was married tbh. It feels very uncomfortable. COVID didn’t help as that was when my eldest started school and I didn’t get to know anyone very well.

You sound like you have autism. I do and those symptoms you describe are the exact replica of the form I have. Crowds make me so anxious I end up either upset,silent,talking to much or walking out. 1-1 I can do but occasionally struggle with trying to think of convo

@LadyJ2023 thank you. Can I just ask as I often think I have autism but the fact that for the first 2 hours I was relaxed happy and engaging but last hour when I got tired and bored that’s when I started feeling overwhelmed. Does that still show autism?

My son is like that, also autistic.
I know socially it’s a big struggle anyway but then throw in a sensory overload from all that’s going on, he can become so focused on that rather than what’s happening in front of him so will either blurt out random convo or withdraw

It sounds like you did a great job but being out for a prolonged time can be hard work and pretty exhausting!
It might be worth building up slowly- breakfast is often a bit quicker or a walk less intense and then once you feel more comfortable you can spend longer.
I wonder if once your brain relaxed a bit and wasn’t concentrating on “making a good impression” it had time to be anxious again. So something which will keep it distracted from that is good

Thank you everyone. I keep thinking the ladies I went out with might be feeling sorry for me! I hate coming across as vulnerable.

You mentioned childhood trauma. It may be likely that you have complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) rather than autism.

Pete Walker has written a really good book, I think it is called CPTSD: from surviving to thriving. he explains it, why it develops (less than ideal childhood), the various symptoms, and self help techniques to bring you back some control and life.

@RogersOrganismicProcess yes I think so. I’ve been listening to a podcast by someone called “crappy childhood fairy”(I think!) and she mentions CPTSD. I’ll look into the book thanks, did it help with you?

It did, it really increased my self understanding. I found I was more forgiving of myself as I knew the things I was feeling and the ways I was reacting were an automatic learned response to help me survive at one point. I no longer needed them, and by being more aware of them I was able tp break the cycle of those reactions.

@RogersOrganismicProcess that sounds very positive. Thank you for sharing. What else has been good for you?

I wish I had known about CPTSD in my 20’s. I feel so much life has been wasted.

A therapy called EMDR is supposed to be helpful but can be pricey, unless you can find in on the MHS.

Yeah I have looked into EDMR but couldn’t find any cheap ones near me. I’ve been watching YouTube self administered ones, no idea if they work or not.

Yes I'm autistic and enjoy socialising but after a bit I get tired and yes sometimes bored.

I had EMDR through NHS. It was really helpful.

I need to find EDMR near me again