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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to deal with this...alcoholism

11 replies

cactusjane · 14/07/2023 18:47

My mum is a functioning alcoholic and has been for many years. I won't go into too much detail but it's caused me a great deal of pain and frustration over the years. We are still close but our relationship has suffered and she stopped helping out with my dc a while ago.

Between the hours of 9-3 Mon-Fri she is sober as this is when she works. However after 3 on weekdays and all day at weekends she is likely to be drinking. I've learnt 'safe' times to call or visit and if she does happen to be drunk when I go then I leave. I have to do this to protect my own sanity.

However over the past few months and twice in the past fortnight ive had messages from people commenting on mums behaviour. Her friends, neighbours, people in our area. Usually expressing concern for her because shes rang them talking rubbish or seen them in the street and talked rubbish. I know it comes from a place of concern but i never know how to respond. Its like they expect me to be able to do something about it and i cant. Ive spoken to her many many times, nothing changes.

The fact that other people are now noticing her drinking and messaging me about it is upsetting and embarrassing. I havent told mum but maybe I should? How do I respond to them? Is it up to me to do something because frankly im at a loss.

OP posts:
Houseplantkiller92 · 14/07/2023 18:54

Sorry to hear about your mum. My dad died last week because of alcohol related liver failure, he was only 50.
The only thing you can do is be honest with people. I totally understand the embarrassment, I have been there many, many times. But you have done nothing wrong. Your mum has a disease and you will find people are a lot more understanding than you'd think.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 14/07/2023 18:56

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It's really hard when someone so close to you is an alcoholic.

Do you feel confident being honest with people and explaining what's going on?

Sapphire387 · 14/07/2023 18:57

Is your mum seeking any kind of help?

I'd be tempted to be upfront with people, so long as you are comfortable to do so.

cactusjane · 14/07/2023 19:03

No she isn't seeking help and I doubt she ever will. I feel like if I came out and said 'she's an alcoholic' to people then she would be furious with me. I'd feel like I'm betraying her. But it's becoming increasingly difficult to gloss over it and pretend she's just 'having a hard time at the moment.'

I don't want to be in this position. I don't want to be the person people go to with concern or for an explanation or an expectation to do something about it. I feel like she should know that people are talking about her and noticing it but stupid me feels guilty for putting that shame onto her.

OP posts:
LePetitChat · 14/07/2023 19:05

You need to tell your mum- whether she’s in recovery or not being aware of the consequences of your actions is vital. There are things that alcoholics refer to as the not-yets. Like falling over and injuring yourself, or getting arrested - oh that hasn’t happened to me… not yet. You keep drinking long enough and all these things will happen and making a fool of yourself in public is one of those.

Respond to those people thanking them for letting you know, that your mother has a problem with alcohol and you’re trying to get her to get help. People will be a lot kinder than you think.

Secrecy is a big part of any addiction. Having people know that truth can actually be helpful in some circumstances.

LePetitChat · 14/07/2023 19:06

Just saw your last post, you’re not betraying her, you’re actually helping her in the long term.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/07/2023 19:16

I am so sorry. It must be so hard for you.

I would just stick to the truth and say my mum has a problem with alcohol. It's better not to engage with her when she's like that. I'm trying to get her to go for help, but she's very resistant. Personally I avoid her when I know she's been drinking.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/07/2023 19:18

I don't think you're helping her by keeping quiet about what people are saying. It is said that people who are alcoholics need to reach rock bottom and if you protect her, then you are stopping that from happening.

It's so sad because her health is obviously going to be affected and her friendships. Also, she's spending such a lot of money on alcohol which she could spend on a happier life.

ImDuranDuran · 14/07/2023 19:28

Jesus, OP. This is like reading about my own mum. Right down to the working hours and the 'safe times' to call Sad

It got to a point last year where I'd only ever visit her in person while she was at work (she's in a customer-facing role) as I knew she'd be sober there. How I envied other people who could call in at their own mum's house, unannounced, for a cup of tea and a chat.

My mum has fallen and seriously injured herself on several occasions now, twice in public. I can only assume people know what's wrong with her. The only people who ever ask me about her are (and her welfare) my in-laws and yeah, I find it so embarrassing having to lie, again, about why my mum has been in hospital due to injuries sustained due to being pissed.

I wish I had the answers Sad

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/07/2023 19:28

Do you not feel you can confide in your in-laws?

ImDuranDuran · 14/07/2023 19:36

I could as they're really lovely people, it's just that they're non-drinkers and generally very sensible types, I don't think they'd understand the extent of her problems. Thankfully I have a really supportive DH.

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