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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I right to be annoyed

21 replies

Rooroo42 · 14/07/2023 09:09

So the other night I picked a drunken hubby up from Train Station, he arrived with a woman laughing away like old friends (he was quite tipsy), he said they had got chatting on the train and shared a bottle of wine (which he had in his bag), I wasn’t overly comfortable with it (6 months ago he got far too close to a female work colleague and they were having secret chats) but kind of thought he’s a bit drunk let it go, but on the journey home he stated that she was married with kids, visiting family and her hubby/kids where joining her the next day, almost pressing the point too much that she was married. I got home and something was niggling at me, looked at his phone and they had exchanged emails (he gave a fairly plausible reason for this) so thought ok I am just being a dick and worrying because of past events. Anyway I go onto FB as know her name now and she’s clearly a fairly young, pretty, single no kids person, so I spent the night wondering why he would say she was married, why lie about that (I never pressed him or asked him about anything like that) but he told me lots about her and her family but nothing about the fact they had exchanged emails. He said to me that she said she was married and he was sure she was talking about kids. I feel really peed off now, it’s been a long journey rebuilding trust and I feel like the rugs been ripped from under me again. I think she’s a young pretty girl he was flattered by the attention and offered her a glass of wine (he told me again just randomly that she was a very unattractive girl - which is not the case at all). He’s annoyed because ye feels back in the dog house, I think that he shouldn’t act like that knowing how hard it’s been for me of late. He works away a lot and attends quite a few boozy work functions so makes me think if he’s that friendly with a stranger what’s he like with someone he knows. I’ve had to deal with the fact that he still works with the woman he got too close too, including nights out etc. I think he needs to think more about how he would feel if shoe was on the other foot. Am I being an overly sensitive dickhead? The first betrayal really cut deep, I’ve lost so much weight, been on anxiety meds and now seeing a councillor (I know it all sounds a bit pathetic but he’s the only person I have ever truly trusted so it broke me when I found him being sneaky behind my back). Finding it hard to find a reasoned perspective just now.

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 14/07/2023 09:13

Na sorry but I’d end it I wouldn’t want the constant worry or constant disappointment of it all, you’ve asked him to respect you and what’s expected but he continues to do it!

Fwiw I think these woman will probably see him as a drunken pervert to add to boot! How embarrassing!

redskytwonight · 14/07/2023 09:15

You should probably split up.

Not because I think your DH having a (slightly tipsy) conversation with a random woman on the way home is in any way a problem. But because you don't trust him. And you can't go through life forensically examining his every interaction.

JorisBonson · 14/07/2023 09:17

Would it have been better if the women had been married?

Blackbyrd · 14/07/2023 09:18

This relationship is not good for you. Don't allow him to manipulate you and lie to you any longer. You deserve better, and you have the opportunity and freedom to deal with this now before children are involved (you don't mention any)

Rooroo42 · 14/07/2023 09:21

JorisBonson · 14/07/2023 09:17

Would it have been better if the women had been married?

Well no I just find it bizarre he told me she was when she wasn’t. I was going to just put it down to him just being drunk and over friendly but he started telling me stuff about her which is just odd to me. I’m not by nature a jealous type, never have been

OP posts:
Rooroo42 · 14/07/2023 09:22

Blackbyrd · 14/07/2023 09:18

This relationship is not good for you. Don't allow him to manipulate you and lie to you any longer. You deserve better, and you have the opportunity and freedom to deal with this now before children are involved (you don't mention any)

We have 2 and have been married a long time up until 6 months ago he was the most reliable man on the planet

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 14/07/2023 09:25

Possibility he was just drunkenly bothering this young woman alone on the train? Had it happen to me countless times. Either way, you don't trust him. I am not sure why on earth they exchanged contact information!

P1ckledonionz · 14/07/2023 09:30

For years you have considered him trustworthy but youve discovered he's untrustworthy. No wonder you feel this way. It's not easy to absorb that the reality isn't as you thought it was. Also you have children and a history with him so part of you will not want to believe this new information.

You've said nothing to indicate he understands how hurtful this is for you. And he seems find it easy to lie. Those are two deal breakers right there.

ReaIIyThough · 14/07/2023 09:41

How do you know she's not married? If someone looked on my Facebook they'd struggle to see if I was married or not. It doesn't say I am, there's barely any pics of me and my DH. But either way you don't trust him anyway.

MrsPPP · 14/07/2023 09:43

You would think that he would be so grateful for the second chance that you have given him, and would be trying everything to make things right after last time.

What has he said about it since then? Have you had a sober conversation?

Inertia · 14/07/2023 09:47

He keeps proving that he doesn’t respect you.

It’s also possible that she made up the story about the husband and kids because she was trying to warn off a drunk, over-interested, strange man who she was trapped with, in a way that minimised the threat to herself.

Rooroo42 · 14/07/2023 09:48

ReaIIyThough · 14/07/2023 09:41

How do you know she's not married? If someone looked on my Facebook they'd struggle to see if I was married or not. It doesn't say I am, there's barely any pics of me and my DH. But either way you don't trust him anyway.

Well the fact that she advertised very recently that she was looking for a new room mate for her flat which she currently shares with one other girl. It’s besides the point though whether she is married or not is irrelevant it’s more the fact he told me a tale about her husband and kids travelling after school finishes - that’s what I found weird

OP posts:
Lobelia123 · 14/07/2023 09:51

Take a deep breath, your relationship has had a bad blow and six months is not a long time to recover. Of course he wants to move past it as quickly as possible - hes had a near escape and nearly stuffed up his life and family and its uncomfortable seeing himself as a weak, stupid, deceitful twit. He wants to go back to seeing himself the way he felt on the train with the pretty woman - charming, cool, sociable and fanciable. But for you the wound is a deep and slow healing one. I think this is part of the ongoing reconciliation process after a betrayal and you will be at odds sometimes over what you think is acceptable and what isnt....but he should never stonewall you or make fun of your fears and suspicions, he should have the attitude of, i dont think i did wrong....but if it makes you unhappy, i wont do it again. Ive walked this road, dear OP, im sending lots of hugs. My only advice is, dont ever compromise yourself again, know your boundaries and hold to them.

justtype · 14/07/2023 09:55

Lobelia123 · 14/07/2023 09:51

Take a deep breath, your relationship has had a bad blow and six months is not a long time to recover. Of course he wants to move past it as quickly as possible - hes had a near escape and nearly stuffed up his life and family and its uncomfortable seeing himself as a weak, stupid, deceitful twit. He wants to go back to seeing himself the way he felt on the train with the pretty woman - charming, cool, sociable and fanciable. But for you the wound is a deep and slow healing one. I think this is part of the ongoing reconciliation process after a betrayal and you will be at odds sometimes over what you think is acceptable and what isnt....but he should never stonewall you or make fun of your fears and suspicions, he should have the attitude of, i dont think i did wrong....but if it makes you unhappy, i wont do it again. Ive walked this road, dear OP, im sending lots of hugs. My only advice is, dont ever compromise yourself again, know your boundaries and hold to them.

This.

It's all about communication, for me. And I would also be stuck on the 'why bullshit me?' point.

I think you need to sit down and clearly decide what you are willing to accept, or not. Draw your boundaries. Protect them.

Hibiscrubbed · 14/07/2023 09:57

Rooroo42 · 14/07/2023 09:22

We have 2 and have been married a long time up until 6 months ago he was the most reliable man on the planet

He probably wasn’t, you just thought he was.

He’s a deceitful liar who values his own ego above his wife and family.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 14/07/2023 10:00

Could she not have told him she was married to make sure he didn't try anything? (I'm not saying he would)

You clearly don't trust him though so you're probably better off breaking up.

Rooroo42 · 14/07/2023 10:06

He said he is trying to understand but they were just chatting and it was totally innocent. But for me to see him coming out of the station laughing away and then for him to say he had a bottle of wine in his bag so shared it with her just seems very disrespectful. I have literally in the last few weeks started to feel settled in our relationship again, he always says he woll
do whatever it takes so to me what he needs to be doing is not putting me in situations where seeds are planted when everything is still so fragile. If he had done something similar last year I wouldn’t have thought much of it but I’m not quite at the stage yet where I am 100% settled. He works with loads of woman by the way, it has never been and even now is not an issue for me (with the exception of 1), I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that he just thinks how would it make me feel before he acts just now.

OP posts:
Rooroo42 · 14/07/2023 10:07

Lobelia123 · 14/07/2023 09:51

Take a deep breath, your relationship has had a bad blow and six months is not a long time to recover. Of course he wants to move past it as quickly as possible - hes had a near escape and nearly stuffed up his life and family and its uncomfortable seeing himself as a weak, stupid, deceitful twit. He wants to go back to seeing himself the way he felt on the train with the pretty woman - charming, cool, sociable and fanciable. But for you the wound is a deep and slow healing one. I think this is part of the ongoing reconciliation process after a betrayal and you will be at odds sometimes over what you think is acceptable and what isnt....but he should never stonewall you or make fun of your fears and suspicions, he should have the attitude of, i dont think i did wrong....but if it makes you unhappy, i wont do it again. Ive walked this road, dear OP, im sending lots of hugs. My only advice is, dont ever compromise yourself again, know your boundaries and hold to them.

Very good advice thank you

OP posts:
Dotjones · 14/07/2023 10:10

Maybe she told him she was married and had kids. Some women lie too you know.

I don't think this relationship is very healthy from either side. It's weird you've spent so much time looking at this woman's profile and making judgements on her life. You both need to stop.

VanGoghsDog · 14/07/2023 10:15

Rooroo42 · 14/07/2023 09:48

Well the fact that she advertised very recently that she was looking for a new room mate for her flat which she currently shares with one other girl. It’s besides the point though whether she is married or not is irrelevant it’s more the fact he told me a tale about her husband and kids travelling after school finishes - that’s what I found weird

Maybe she told him that to get rid of him!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/07/2023 10:54

He's a flirt who enjoys the attention. And clearly takes it too far. As it's not a once off, this is a leopard that won't change his spots.

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