To feel I can’t visit mother today

[Blurred4]

She is suffering delirium following an op
she is near death
she is being abusive and constantly asking me to get her out
she has had mittens put on as she keeps taking wires out
she thinks staff are abusing her she thinks I’m allowing it to please them
I hate seeing her like this tiday I have woken up and just don’t know if I can do this financially, emotionally physically
she is suffering though abs needs me to calm her although it takes a while it can happen
her delirium will worsen unless I’m there to ground her
im the only child

Can you call the ward and check what the situation is before deciding. Give yourself permission to opt out if needs be. Unfortunately delirium is erratic and can take a while to resolve.

I was in your exact position at the beginning of the year, it's very wearing. They discovered that my DM actually had a brain tumour causing the behaviour, rather than delirium, and she died within 7 weeks. I dearly miss her.

I periodically had to take time out to preserve my sanity. Give yourself a day off if you need to x

I’m just scared that if I do then she will worsen as she has agoraphobia, social anxiety and this is very traumatic for her

I’m so sorry OP I’ve been there and know how distressing this is.

Not to be alarmist, but when this happened to us and were advised it was delirium due to a hip replacement op on elderly family member after a fall, DF and I had an idea it was more a case of coming to end of life.
The op was too much at their age, I think, in our case.

Kindly, when you say “near death” is she elderly?

Think we had a couple weeks of it and our family member then passed.

I still remember the things they would say and do. I try to remember the better times, though, when they were strong and healthy.

All love and strength to you OP, you’ll get through it

Hopefully it’s just a blip and she will be on her way to recovery ❤️‍🩹

When my mum was dying I had a day off from visiting her for this reason. I remember so clearly. I lay on the sofa and watched telly. But it did me the power of good. She’s been on hospital for months and it was the first day I didn’t visit.

it’s incredibly hard. I feel for you. My mum also had delirium.

She’s only 62
but everything was low she had 2 blood transfusions
its such a horrible thing for her

Think Oxygen masks on planes. You need to put yours on first before helping someone else.

Put your oxygen mask on, if that looks like taking a day away to recuperate then do it because you being burnt out from dealing with this helps no one

its fucking HARD xxx

First of all I’m so sorry OP.

I would give yourself a day off from visiting so that you can have a reset day. You’re not a bad person for doing this, if anything it just means you’ll be in a better headspace to be ready to support her tomorrow. Please do not feel bad for feeling this way.

I understand your fear of not going in. I missed 3 days over 7 weeks and I worried each time, that something awful would happen while I wasn't there. I needed those days though.

I definitely think you need to look after yourself and take a break. You can't pour from an empty cup.

What a horrible position to be put in @Blurred4. I know she would be anxious even if she was mentally healthy, but you need to remind yourself that under these circumstances it is highly unlikely that your presence would make a difference. (In fact, it could give her something else to focus on and struggle even more!) It sounds like you’re utterly exhausted - mentally as well as physically, and could do with a day off to rest up. I went through this with my mum several times and it’s terrifying and heartbreaking. I hope you have supportive people around you. Big hugs!

The thing is yesterday after lots of explaining re explaining and being screamed at that I wasn’t on her side sge dud come round I just had to try and explain so much taking care what I said to not trigger her but it due work and for a few hours after I left she was ok. Seems to have worsened with the shift changes
I just worry that if I’m not there she will deteriorate
I could ask my Aunty but I’m the only person my mum trusts

Ask your Aunty.
Being an only child is really hard sometimes. Give yourself a break - you know you really need it or you wouldn't be asking the question.
(Seeing 'both sides' of this - I'm close to your Mum's age. Last year I had post op delirium. I can't remember a thing about it ... though I know now that it was very scary for my family. Apparently it didn't make any difference who was trying to calm me - husband or nurses.) I 'came out of it' and all is well. I'm sure your Mum will too. Meanwhile (though this sound heartless).. she won't know you're not there BUT you will know you've had a much needed break.
I hope you have a restful day recharging your batteries. You sound very kind and lovely. Good Luck.

Hey thank you. I’m sm wondering if this is delirium though as she remembers I’m going up, she only seems to trust me
sge seems so focused on me last night she apparently tried to get out of bed and fell trying to get to me
judt spoke to her and she can’t really speak or form some words and sentences
I have to go she needs me so much right now she’s counting down the hours until I can come
I’m going to ask family/friends to also sit with her