What the fuck do I do now?

[Daisywallpaper]

ok I appreciate this will probably sound like a bunch of jumbled up nonsense but I’m hoping someone can help

i grew up with a really bad view of what a normal relationship is. For the first part of my childhood I had to watch my dad attack my mum, and once we finally escaped my mum bumped from one dodgy relationship to another until I was removed from her care. I remember as a young child thinking that people who got into relationships or got married must be crazy as they were clearly all awful. Later in my childhood I got to see other examples of positive and fantastic relationships but I think the damage was already done.

in secondary school I was in the ‘popular crowd’ (feel cringey even saying that but I guess it’s important for context! I obviously don’t care about popularity etc now I’m an adult!) but i just mean there was a lot of pressure to go out to parties and have boyfriends etc. I somehow avoided it until I was 17 where I felt like I should be going out with someone and I was weird not to. So I got into a ‘relationship’ basically with a random guy who I didn’t even really like but I thought it was sort of normal not to like them at the start and maybe the feeling would grow… we lasted a while 6 weeks and it was pointless. I remember feeling so uncomfortable and awkward and my entire personality was so wooden the entire 6 weeks. We broke up and I kisssed a couple of guys on various nights out to fit in but largely avoided it and just told my friends I was focused on my uni work and building my career. I tried to embrace the ice Queen persona

but now I’m in my 20s, I’ve got my career and I’m happy being single. I do fancy guys but I just hate the idea of a relationship and it’s like my mind shuts down

but recently I’ve started liking someone. He’s a guy I’ve been friends with for years and is a lovely guy but we’ve only ever been friends. I know he’s single and I never would have thought I’d like this him this way, and honestly I don’t know if I do, or how to tell if I do? I think I’ve started liking him that way recently but I just honestly don’t know. And if I do, I don’t even know how to go about anything or what to do. This is all brand new to me and I feel so stupid at 25 not having a clue what to do but I don’t. What if I like him and this is the start of my ice Queen persona melting? Or what if he doesn’t like me and it ruins our friendship? Or we try something but it doesn’t work and I don’t actually like him after all? Arghh. My mind is doing circles with it all.

just wondered had anyone ever been in a similar situation and have any advice?

Sorry no experience of this situation. Hope it works out the way you want it to. You deserve it.

You’re almost certainly the only one who is invested in your ‘Ice Queen persona’, though it’s more a matter of having had poor relationships modelled for you in childhood, making you understandably wary. Relax, go with the flow and flirt a little?

It’s sounds like in one level you are craving a relationship, but due to your past experiences you’ve shut that side of yourself down, to protect yourself.
Perhaps a bit of counselling to unravel it.

For me, whenever I have fancied someone, I just knew I did. There are key feelings like excitement and keen-ness o see them (different kind of excitement than friends/family), you think of them a lot, butterflies, sexual attraction, etc.

Perhaps go on a few dates, enjoy yourself, see if you have chemistry/attraction with anyone?

Well, in my opinion, relationships based on actually liking each other, and happening to therefore find him attractive in part because his personality is attractive is the foundation of a successful relationship. People don't get this. They think you have to begin by lusting after the person and then find by happy coincidence that you get along. That might be the way to find a lover but it's a much less reliable way to find a partner.

Looks change, people put on weight, get wrinkly etc. If your relationship is based on the person being movie star good looking which makes you prepared to put up with him being a bit of a twat, once the looks fade you just have a relationship with a bit of a twat. If your relationship is based on really genuinely liking the person and therefore finding them attractive (and obviously you have to find them attractive, but it doesn't have to be that the first time you saw them your legs turned to jelly scenario), when the looks fade (and yours will be too) you now have a relationship with a great guy.

Objectively, my husband is not the most handsome man I ever saw, though his face is my favourite face and I love it, and him, dearly. We were friends for several months and our relationship grew that way.

It’s all a game! There are no rules. Why not ask him for a drink and see how things are? They might lead to other things or they might not. Not everyone in jumping into relationships and having flings - I never did!

If it’s meant to be it’ll have slowly and naturally!

Hope it all works out for you OP, you deserve it. No advice except perhaps just go for it, be honest with yourself and him and maybe get some counselling?

Happy Friday 🙂

Have you had any counselling/therapy? It sounds like you have a lot to unpick. Maybe go for a coffee or something with this guy and see if anything develops. Remember, being single is also a valid choice. You don't have to be in a relationship if it's not right for you.