Meeting Parents - who pays?

[LemonDrizzle69]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months and next weekend I’m meeting his parents for the first time. They live about 5 hours away so we’re staying in an air b&b in the next town over.

It has been suggested that we go out for a meal one night - fine, sounds lovely. But now I can’t get out of my head, who pays? It’s causing me quite a lot of anxiety and I can’t just look forward to it.

The meal was his parents suggestion but to me that certainly doesn’t mean ‘well your idea, so you pay’. I am absolutely more than happy to pay for myself (and my boyfriend. We’re very fair when it comes to paying for things) I just don’t know how insistent I should be?

I don’t want to seem grabby by accepting if they offer to pay but I also don’t want to come across as rude or ungrateful if I try to decline.

so, what is the right balance in this scenario?
I just want them to like me!

Wait and see? Are you normally this anxious?

I think your bf paying would be ideal. Have you spoken to him? Or a united 'we will pay' from the two of you?

Ask your boyfriend how his family does this and let him sort it with his parents

I would assume that the parents pay. We always pay if we suggest a meal out with our children and partners.

If it’s their suggestion I think the typical expectation would be either they pay or you pay in your couples. Either way you really don’t have to think about it until the bills come. If they say it’s on them, you don’t need to say anything other than thank you, it’s really their son who should be insisting to pay if he isn’t keen on the idea of his parents paying - it’s not for you to worry about.

I don't see this as anxiety to ensure there are no last minute nasty surprises. The OP needs to be relaxed. Wait and see sounds worse.

My DH and my DF normally have a bicker over who pays and then it’s usually whoever gets in first (DH always says if its our invite then we pay). In your situation, I’d ask DP what he wants to do, it may be they have a set up ie go halves or take it in turns

Don't leave it until the bill comes. Talk to your bf. Communication is key.

Talk to your bf about it in advance - they’re his parents and he should know what they are likely to want to do. Families can be very different on this.
If I was them I would pay and then expect you to say “are you really sure?” And then to thank me whole heartedly when I say “of course. It’s my pleasure”. A nice touch would be for you to add “well, we must pay next time when you come to see us”. I would also sort of expect you to follow our lead in choosing dishes price-wise - so not to order and scallops and an expensive steak, if we’re ordering burgers and no starter!
An additional thing to consider is roughly how well off they are compared with you. If you know they are struggling financially and you’re in a well paid job, that would be different to if you’re a student and they have decently paid careers.
Don't overthink it and look for guidance from your bf. I hope they’re nice and you have a good time. Try to relax and get to know them as people!

Yes, this is exactly it. I just feel I’ll be more relaxed (and therefore more myself) if I know how it will play out and avoid any potentially awkward moments.

Thanks everyone. I will talk to DP about what their norm is. I know he will probably want to cover the bill anyway, he’s a very generous man.

I’m a terrible overthinker - can you tell?!

I’ve been in this situation. I am always prepared by having enough cash (in in £10 and £5 notes) to cover my meal, drinks and tips. You can offer this when the bill arrives and it’s then up to them whether they accept or not. Don’t offer to pay for all!

Me and my husband always pay, but our daughters boyfriend always offers and we appreciate that (even though we turn him down!)

Sorry pressed send too soon - I would take enough cash so you can offer to pay, but expect them to say they will and let them - but thank graciously and say what a lovely evening it was etc.

Can't you say something to your boyfriend along the lines of -

I'm looking forward to meeting your parents and having a lovely meal with them.

What's the restaurant like? Are we splitting the bill between the four of us or shall you and I just pay for ours?

If they offer to pay, you could offer to take them for brunch the next day?

Talk to your boyfriend about how he wants to handle things.

as to whether or not the parents expect to pay or not, it likely depends on your ages. if you are young and just starting out, there are higher odds they will cover the bill. Regardless, defer to your boyfriend on this one.

though as I give that advice, it is absolutely not what happened the first time my now DH met my parents. My then boyfriend told me in advance he would be paying for the meal and he wanted me to back him up if my parents tried to take the check. We weren’t so young that we were just starting out, but my parents definitely still thought of me as younger. My father has liked my husband ever since that meal and it all started with that check.

I think you are the last person who should pay! They invited you for a meal as far as I'm concerned. If they don't have much money, then it's up to your boyfriend to either insist on paying or offer to pay. It's not up to you.