Annoyed at the police

[Zeroperspective]

Not really sure what I want from this post tbh just a rant and to get it out of my head I guess? I'll try and keep it short....

I left my abusive marriage just under a year ago (into a refuge with my 2 ASD DC with literally nothing but the clothes we were wearing) Over the last year I've tried to maintain contact between EXH and DC and we've had periods of "good" contact as in me and him friendly/civil, communicating well and lots of period of "bad" contact as in abusive messages, threats, love bombing, erratic rants and him not seeing the DC for prolonged periods (between 3 weeks and 2 1/2 months each time) I have NEVER and will NEVER use my DC as weapons, it was his choice to not see them.

Fast forward to now and communication broke down again a few days ago, since then I've had around 100 messages/emails from EXH and as usual they are a mix of abuse/love bombing/erratic rants etc. Given his behaviour messages were blocked and so all contact is now via email. I spoke with EXSIL who was also concerned for EXH mental state and agreed I should ring police for a welfare check (EXSIL is in another country and EXH has previous suicide attempts for attention causing several welfare check requests over the past 11 months)

The officer on the phone was amazing, he told me this wasn't primarily a welfare check in his opinion but this was actually continued domestic abuse and coercive control and it wasn't OK. I didn't realise/see it as that as this is so normalised as a pattern of behaviour now from EXH but after 30 mins on the phone with the officer I hung up feeling emotional and validated that somebody gets it and its not OK and I shouldn't have to live like this. Then we get to the officer that came to see me, they had to see EXH first as I'd requested a welfare check and clearly he fed them some bullshit sob story so by the time they came to see me the officers attitude was EXH has just been a bit stressed due to receiving the divorce papers and so it's fine he's sent all these messages (50+ in the last 18 hours alone) and EXH saying he'd had a heart attack a couple of months ago that whilst yes it was a lie it wasn't manipulation and control it was just him being silly and stressed as was everything else he had put in his messages.

I now have gone from feeling validated to feeling totally deflated and like what's the point, I should just accept this is how my life is now, yeah I left but EXH still controls me.

Sorry this was so long, happy to answer any questions!

YABU This isn't abuse/a police matter so speak to your solicitor
YANBU The law has changed now that this behaviour is a criminal offence and the officer should have taken it more seriously

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Hoping someone will come along with something more useful but the second officer was at best a twat.

I think he's being abusive and manipulative but it doesn't feel like a police matter to me.

I didn't think it was a police matter either at first. I rang solely for a welfare check and upon being asked why it was needed and giving the details of just some of the messages I'd received from EXH it was the police officer who told me due to the law changes this IS a criminal offence, it falls under domestic abuse/harassment/coercive control. I don't mean to sound defensive or rude I just want to educate anybody in a similar situation to me that this is against the law and the police can and should do something about it

Standard mumsnet line about not using your kids as a weapon.

You are failing them if you continue to expose them to this abusive man. It's not about weaponising them, it is about protecting them.

I wouldn't communicate with him at all but would let it all go through the courts.

@Sapphire387 I was pointing out that it was his choice not to see them so it was clear that despite his behaviour towards me I wasn't using seeing his children or not as a punishment.

He isn't abusive towards the children and I do everything possible to protect and shield them from his abuse towards me although I've admittedly failed at this before I left my marriage and my DD8 has had therapy to help her process what she lived through. They enjoy their time with him when they do see him and I don't think blocking contact is in their best interests at this time. I would however stop contact without hesitation if he displayed even a hint of the way he treats me towards the DC.

I haven't and will continue not to respond to any messages sent and I am seeing my solicitor again next week to continue to push to get this before the courts so future contact with the DC is scheduled and clear, especially given their additional needs.

Why did you call for a welfare check on this man? He is not your problem anymore

Block all his communication and then either communicate via a solicitor or exSIL if she is willing, unbiased and you can't afford to do it via a solicitor.

What have the courts said? What's the agreement?

Is there any way you can contact your solicitor and put this to them? I'm sure there's a way to not have to have any forms of contact with him.

I'm not in the UK so don't know the laws there but I have a family member here in Ireland who doesn't have any contact with her ex, everything goes through courts, solicitors and family members (for pick up and drop off).

Why are you doing a welfare check on him? Did his sister ask you too? 🤔 Do you need to be in contact with her?

No experience in this area but the first thing that strikes me is, why keep having welfare checks done on him? He's not your responsibility. Let him take charge of his own welfare.

Why couldn't your EXSIL request a welfare check? He is not your responsibility anymore.

It absolutely is a police matter and you need to keep reporting. I have had to report my ex several times in the last few years to the point a community resolution order has been put into place. Emotional abuse and coercive control are unlawful and domestic abuse. Keep a record of everything he sends you and keep talking to the police. Your ex actually sounds very similar to mine but worse than mine. He would also love bomb, hate me, send erratic messages, messages that make no sense, twist the truth but then firmly believe in the lies he twisted them into then use it against me. I'd hate to say it, if he's doing it to you he's prob doing it to the kids. How old are they? Have they ever said he bad mouths you to them? Does he pass messages onto you through them? If so, he is also abusing them as my ex did and still tries. I would keep the kids with you and let him take you to court. We are in the middle of a court case at the minute. Is he abusing substances? My ex did, made him ten times worse. And please do not let him twist things into being your fault as I'm pretty sure he does. How he feels is NOT YOUR FAULT. I found the best way to deal with him was say my piece then ignore the rest of the shite he came back with. He's slowly being exposed for what he is now. But like someone said, he is not your responsibility now, no matter what he says. He will try to manipulate you forever, you have to learn how to go 'grey rock' on his ass. And keep a record of everything, including interactions, for evidence. Good luck, I feel your pain.

It's a police matter because he's harassing and continuing to exercise abuse and coercive control. So yes the police do have powers to enforce. Most areas have a domestic violence officer or team (at least in this part of the uk) or a dv liason worker so I'd try to find out who it is for your area and speak to them directly. They will flag your address so if you make further calls it can be passed directly to that team who have much more training in that area and will hopefully know better than the officer you spoke to. You can also speak to your solicitor as well and request a non mol and request an intermediary to facilitate contact between you specifically regarding your dc. I'd speak to your WA worker about it too as they've probably dealt with similar and will know if there's a designated dv officer in your local police station. I would also be putting anything like that back on EXSIL. If she's worried etc it's for her to contact the police to request a welfare check while you make a report of harassment and stalking. That might help clarify the situation for the police as well.

Update; the officer who came to see me phoned me and said after speaking to his supervisor it was decided to go back out to my EXH and conduct a formal notebook interview. He's been warned its criminal behaviour and told not to contact me again. Because I haven't given a formal statement the file will be sent to the PPS but no action will be taken and that's that. If it happens again though then I will be giving a statement and charges will be brought.

In answer to some questions;
Why did I request the welfare check and not EXSIL? Honestly I don't know? Because I've always done it I suppose? It wasn't even a question, it was just assumed (by both of us) I would do it. Now the question has been asked and I've reflected on it I think in future if its required I will put it onto his sister to call.

What's happening in court? Nothing yet, we've not even been for any sort of 1st hearing. I'm seeing my solicitor next week and will be pushing to get this sorted ASAP as it's clear a legal route is now required.

I will also be requesting a non molestation order as well.

@Havana2345 I'm so sorry you've also experienced this and thank you for sharing with me. My DD is 8 and DS is 3, they both have additional needs and I'm as confident as I can be that he isn't bad mouthing me too them. He has previously tried to get messages to me via DD in a way that she wouldn't understand the meaning behind it if that makes sense but I very quickly nipped that in the bud. Tbf as much as he's an arsehole human and husband he does love the DC and hasn't done anything wrong to them. I've heard the term grey rock but I don't really understand what it means? I have records of everything and suspect he is abusing drugs but I've no evidence of that and I'm as confident as I can be there is no drug use happening when he has the DC

@Lavender14 thank you, after years of coercive control, gaslighting etc it really helps to hear that yes this is wrong, no it's not OK and I'll be following up on the advice you gave. I appreciate the time you took to message it means a lot

I’m not saying this may be the case in your situation but a lot of officers now are either new in service or really young and don’t have a great idea about these types of things which doesn’t help.

Everything Lavender said really.

Please push for your non-mol and have specifications in there about how he can contact you and what it relates to.
Keep a log of messages / dates / content as evidence.

Ask to speak to their Safeguarding dept as if there’s hearings etc, if they have specific officers, they may be able to attend with you so you don’t run the risk of seeing him. If you do go for court hearings, make them aware ahead of time about the DA concerns as there’s measures they can put in place for you.

You don’t deserve to deal with him and it absolutely is wrong of him. Stay strong.

@creativeusername23 thank you, I was upset/angry/deflated when I wrote the OP but as per the update the police officer has now taken it seriously after speaking with their supervisor so if it is a case of inexperience in this area then hopefully this has been educational for him.
I'm feeling much stronger and clearer now on what my boundaries are and will be going forward, however I thought I had strong boundaries before and this latest incident shows I clearly still have a long way to go! Womens aid have been pretty rubbish since I left refuge and I've had zero contact/support from them in over 6 months now but I'm going to contact them tomorrow as I clearly am not as free from him as I believed, yes I left, no I'm never going back but clearly he is still controlling my life to a high degree and I'm not going to allow that to continue any longer

The police turned up again today to follow up and strongly advised I make a formal statement so they can charge him. I've spoken to my solicitor and I'm going ahead. I've also been in touch with womens aid and I have an appointment on Monday to apply for a non molestation order. Just wanted to say thanks again for the reality check and all the advice given x

Yay! Great news!