Am I being overly sensitive? DH grabs DS

[Burnt123]

DS is 5. He's pretty tricky and always has been. Awaiting ADHD diagonis. But he'd pretty happy kid and he's doing well at school.

DH is pretty good most of the time and v present, always playing with kids. He does get frustrated sometimes

Just had a scenario and would like to hear views.

DS wanted to use bottled water for his game. I said no use tap. DS shouted "no I want this one" pretty angrily. DH turned around and grabbed DS at the top of both his arms and shouted "you speak nicely to your mother" he looked like he had a pretty tight grip of DS arms. DH let him go. DS threw the water bottle. DH grabbed him again and dragged him to the bedroom while he crying "mummy mummy" and then left him there. 10 mins later he's come out and is fine and actually attached to his dad.

I said to DH he should nkt grab him. He said he rarely does but DS talks terribly to me and sometimes he needs to be told in no uncertain terms. And that he knew he was going to throw something but he only did that after the grabbing.

What do people think?

This wasn't even an adhd 'moment' and your husband acted like that? If your son does have adhd I hate to think what your husband's reaction will be like if/when meltdowns become worse. Only ever grab a child of they're in danger or about to harm another. I know how tough it is to have a reactive child, believe me. But meeting negative reaction with more negative reactions is not the answer.

You're going to probably get plenty of people tell you to leave him but in stressful situations we're not always the world's greatest parents. If he didn't hurt him then I don't see an issue with it personally.

I think you said it yourself - DH is mostly very good and occasionally gets frustrated. I also have a child with ADHD, it is incredibly difficult and would try the patience of a saint. I wouldn't be happy if he had dragged him along the floor, but if he had sort of frogmarched him away, I think that is understandable and I have had to do the same myself plenty of times.

Without being there it's hard to say for sure, but from what I'm picturing in my mind, I think you're maybe being overly sensitive. My daughter tries to walk up/ down stairs herself, she's on 16 months so I sometimes grab her upper arm, i even think to myself sometimes that it looks like I have a tight grip, but I know that I don't.
My point there is that to you it could have looked like your husband had grabbed your son harder than he actually had.
Sounds like your son calmed down quickly enough as well.

Do you realize how many "DH doesn't support me" type posts are here on MN? Be grateful DH is trying to promote respect for you. If you stop this now it won't be happening again in 10 years.

Absolutely this!
He was only shouting mummy mummy because he thought you would be all nicey nicey about his appalling behavior.
Putting a kid in their room is counterproductive and gives mixed messages but at least he is attempting some discipline.

I disagree with those saying this is fine. Grabbing children and dragging them is not an acceptable form of discipline in my opinion. I have a five year old and have never needed to resort to this - it's losing control and getting angry and that's exactly the opposite of how you're trying to teach your child to behave. You wouldn't want him to be aggressive with others so why be aggressive with him?

This sounds like some much needed discipline.

This .
If more parents disciplined their kids life would be better for everyone including them . Be pleased your OH is teaching your son to respect women .

This.

There are lots of these threads but I wonder what would happen if the OP did the action to support her husband and he undermined her.

I wouldn't have been OK with this either. I can understand him wanting to get ds attention but there's other ways to do it, like get down to their level, ask them to look at you, whisper because the change in tone draws attention etc. There's no need to grab etc unless ds is doing something that's immediately risky like pulling something down on himself from the fridge. I'm assuming you're teaching ds to be gentle and think about how he uses his hands towards other people and respect for others bodies, its undermining that for them adults to be rough or domineering in how they touch him even when it's a 'safe' person who doesn't mean anything by it. I'd talk to your dh and try to agree consistent ways that you'll both handle situations, also because while he's trying to back you up clearly, he's kind of undermining you if he has to be 'the bad guy' in how he does it.

I honestly don't see what the fuss is about. Do some people never discipline their children and always find a lovely creative way to bring out the best in their child?

What do you mean when you say he "grabbed DS" and "dragged him to the bedroom"?

Do you mean put his hands on DS's shoulders and kind of made him walk to his room? Or are you saying DH grabbed his arm/hand and dragged him kicking and screaming?

On the face of it it sounds like your DS was behaving badly and your DH stepped in to get him to stop. Chucking a bottle of water in a tantrum is dangerous and IMO your DH was right to step in if you weren't.

It’s very easy to pick this reaction apart in hindsight and not so easy to control our own reactions in the moment. I’m going through something similar personally, not with DH reactions but mine, I’ve never grabbed my son or physically done anything like that but I can initially shout, ‘NO!’ Or ‘STOP IT’ ‘PICK THAT UP NOW!’ Etc and I’m actually starting to try and fix myself which in turn is naturally helping our son. I’m realising that through me reacting like that and being super highly strung, it’s actually making our son like that too, my mum was like that as well. I’d also approach cautiously with an ADHD diagnosis, I’m seeing everyone and their granny get a diagnosis at the moment, seems anyone can fit into it somehow if they want to and lifestyle, diet, screen time, sleep, exposures to chemicals in food and household etc aren’t considered at all, much like the term ‘IBS’ is a term for when drs can’t find the reason for gastric issues, ADHD appears to be the latest, laziest way of accepting abnormal unnatural behavioural issues which are a result of something else going on.

I’m with your DH. He’ll be talking to his teachers like that soon if he gets away with it at home.

I'm with your DH too.... he's right

I can’t believe people on this thread seem to think grabbing a small child and shouting in their face is good parenting, I’m definitely on your side here!

I would only put my hands on a child to restrain if in imminent danger - there is simply no reason to otherwise.

As someone who works in a school I'm so glad to hear that parents are actually still parenting. Because I'm not seeing much evidence of it.

And do not let his diagnosis hold back parenting! I work in a SN school and can promise you we still have expectations on behaviour. It will obviously adjust but he should still be held to a appropriate behaviour standards.