depressed and spending too much

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I know I am being unreasonable but I just need some advice so posting here. Last year, my partner and I found out that we are infertile (this is NOT a post about infertility – I have posted about this under a different name, and I don't want to talk about this here or for any suggestions.). I have become very depressed as a result and I am now taking antidepressants and speaking with a therapist weekly. One way this is coming out is me spending too much money – which is all too easy to do as we are about to move house. Recently I've bought expensive candles, fancy coathangers, a robot vacuum, loads of cleaning products, wine, shoes, artwork etc. and being very vague with partner about how much any of it costs. I know it's not going to somehow make me happy, but I think it seems like a way of trying to create a better life despite all my ideas / hopes of what my life would be be being crushed. I am trying to take control of it. I have put all my credit card debt onto a 0% balance transfer and set up an automatic payment to pay it off within the next 18 months; and I put other money into NS&I bonds, where I can't just easily take it out. I just need to know how I can stop spending money that I don't really have to spend. Everything just feels very out of control right now. I haven't mentioned this issue to my therapist as I just find it embarrassing.

Oh. I saw this and it resonated , I lost my mum recently and can’t stop spending. Xx

@Okaywhatevs I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. It's an awful cycle isn't it – you already feel depressed about something, buy something that makes you feel good for very short while, and then immediately feel depressed about the same issue as before but also feel guilty about spending the money... then it all starts again.

Talk about it with your therapist, no need to feel embarrassed.

Absolutely tell your therapist, that's what they're there for. It's not embarrassing at all, it's a common response when you're struggling to deal with your current situation. Practically, can you cut up your credit cards so you can't use them?

Honestly - this is such a common problem, they will have heard it a million times before. You need some support to do this, and it's really fortuitous you already have someone who can help you through it.

@mymeatballsmymeatballs thank you for the reassurances. I don't know why I feel so embarrassed about it – I'm very open with her about pretty much everything else. I could cut up credit cards, but so much is just automatic payments (paypal, card details saved etc) that I don't even need to get cards out to make online purchases.. it doesn't even feel like spending money. Half the time I forget what I've ordered and it turns up and I'm surprised...

@youveturnedupwelldone I just don't really understand why I'm still doing it. I can see that it's a problem. I know practically that I shouldn't do it and I don't need these things. I can see exactly why I'm doing it (trying to make life 'better' or 'good' with things because I don't feel like I have control over other parts of my life) and I know that doing it isn't making me happy and is just adding to my problems. but I keep doing it. It's like a compulsion. and I don't understand why I keep doing it if I know all the things above...

Could you remove your bank cards from the common websites you spend on so you have to get your card out, might slow you down enough to think about whether it's worth it

I weirdly feel a lot better just having written down here what is going on and put it all in words. Thank you to those of you who have replied. I've spent this afternoon making plans to shape my life the way I want it without all the needless spending – and am already feeling more positive. I'm also going to speak with my therapist about it at our next appointment.