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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or are our mums?

19 replies

Flyingkite23 · 13/07/2023 11:47

We’re married. Introduced our mums during our relationship - they are friendly, have each other’s mobile numbers and text every few months.

We have been on holiday with them both and generally got on.

For the last 6 months or so, partner has become distant with their mum due to lack of effort on the mum’s side, favouring other (adult) children and generally not making effort to speak or see partner. Partner always being the one to initiate conversations and suggestions.

Partner has made clear to myself and my mum (who we are closer to now because of the above) the situation they are in, and that they would appreciate if we both didn’t make huge effort to speak with their mum while their relationship is rocky - I think they would feel more supported this way.

Well, we went away on holiday recently and my partner’s mum has messaged my mum to invite her round for food/coffee. First time, my mum declined. Second time my mum agreed and actually visited partner’s mum twice during the week we were away.

Partners mum makes no effort to invite partner round/meet up/start conversation… unless she is bored and other children are busy… but can invite my mum round… twice… during the one week we are away. We believe it’s for finical gain (my mum is very giving) as we have recently declined to contribute to a non-essential cost involving her. (E.g help with paying for hairdressers as she wants new highlights - not real reason)

My mum’s POV is we are making an issue out of nothing and doesn’t see how her actions have been hurtful to partner. But we feel her actions have gone against the request and support of my partner in this situation.

Are we being ridiculous and unreasonable?
Would you feel the same as us?

OP posts:

SabbatWheel · 13/07/2023 11:50

They are adults and you should not be trying to control how they interact, however annoying that is to you.

Pkhsvd · 13/07/2023 11:52

I can see both sides here as it must hurt your DP that their mum can’t find time for them but your mum probably feels it would look rude to keep declining when it’s not actually her issue and if your DP and their mum make up then irs your mum who is left looking bad while all is forgotten with your DP.
Overall I think it’s unfair to expect your mum to become involved in issues between your DP and their mum. It’s between them and should stay that way. If your mum sees their mum you don’t have to make a big fuss of it to your DP and neither does she.

Coolhwip · 13/07/2023 11:53

Your MIL takes money from your mum?

I think your DH needs to tell his mum not to take a penny from your mum.

Does your mum have any mental health issues? My mum gives away her pension but she has paranoia, which we are seeking help with.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/07/2023 11:53

YABU, you need to have an adult conversation with OH mum and explain how you feel and not tell your Mum who she can see and when she can see them.

Coolhwip · 13/07/2023 11:54

Pkhsvd · 13/07/2023 11:52

The mum is being financially exploited by MIL, OP needs to get MIL to stop, via her DH.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/07/2023 11:55

Your mum is presumably a competent adult and can decide for herself whether she agrees with the reasoning of distancing herself from partner’s mum, or whether she’s being targeted for money. Don’t dictate to or get another adult involved in what sounds like your partner’s own complicated family dynamic and relationships, it won’t improve the situation or relationship they have with their mum and has the potential to make things much more tense and complicated.

DinnaeFashYersel · 13/07/2023 11:57

Everyone here is an adult who should be able to have their own relationships without control or interference from others.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/07/2023 12:02

This is why I am.grateful my mother and MIL are on Christmas card terms only. TBF they are like chalk and cheese. There may be a time if step dies when we will have them both for Christmas. It will not be easy.

However as someone who is now a MIL I think boundaries have been overstepped here. I would not chose to socialise with DS's MIL despite her being a lovely person. DH and I would not contemplate entertaining DS's in-laws.

We have a tricker situation with dd's bf because his mother was a pre-existing friend of mine. However, I have stepped back a bit to give the dc their freedom. If they break up, I do not want to be involved in any fall-out.

Sets of parents are: lunch after engagement, possible meet over wedding arrangements, christenings, significant birthday parties if held for the ds/dil; dd/son in law, Christmas cards.

latetothefisting · 13/07/2023 12:03

It depends, if your mum hasn't yet given mil any money and you're just assuming that's the reason then I'd leave it alone (albeit warning your mum not to give her money) - your mum is in a bit of an awkward place, it sounds like, regardless of your relationship being how they met they are genuinely friends now so it is a bit rude to tell soemone they can't see their friend because a different person has fallen out with them.

From your mum's pov if she starts blanking/refusing to see your mil, it's likely at some point your dp will make up with their mum and then your mum is in the awkward position of being the one who has lost a friend through no reason or fault of her own! She's probably thinking there could be thirty years plus of family events with the mil so it would be awkward for her to stop speaking to her for no reason, not to mention not wanting to get too involved in your relationship.

If you were friends with someone and their partner fell our with yours, would you be impressed if your dp said you weren't allowed to see your friend anymore?

Of course if you have proof that the mil is using your mum for money that's completely different and absolutely have an honest conversation with her.

Original poster

Flyingkite23 · 13/07/2023 12:04

@SabbatWheel @Pkhsvd fair points, thanks

@Coolhwip yes she’ll mentions situations involving finances and continue in such a way whereby the natural thing for the other person would be to suggest helping. She has tried it with us in the past and also my mum - which my mum has previously given in to.

My mum almost certainly has BPD and does have paranoia (mainly from being down a conspiracy theory hole) although not diagnosed as she doesn’t believe in doctors.

@123becauseicouldntthinkofone fair point. Partner has tried many times to explain how they feel. Mum’s communication improved for a week but then reverts back.

can’t tag everyone saying ‘fair point’ but I have read everyone’s replies and do appreciate it.

I can see how it may come across controlling. Obviously not our intention- more like trying to maintain support for my Partner instead of playing happy families and ignoring their fractured relationship.

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 13/07/2023 12:07

My mum almost certainly has BPD and does have paranoia (mainly from being down a conspiracy theory hole) although not diagnosed as she doesn’t believe in doctors.

I think your mum is vulnerable and needs your protection.

I would tell MIL that if she asks mum for money again, you will involve the police.

Nip it in the bud now because they could get much worse, as with my mum. My mum feels compelled to give money to whoever hints for it.

mindutopia · 13/07/2023 12:27

I am also NC with my mum. I'd be pretty upset to be honest if my MIL was going behind my back to have a relationship with her. I agree they are both adults and can do what they want with their relationships, but my mum has caused an enormous amount of damage to me and to my dc and put them in harm's way due to risky behaviour and poor life choices. I would be upset if MIL put a casual relationship with someone she doesn't even really particularly like above my and my dc's wellbeing. It would also worry me a lot because MIL does know where we live and what school the dc go to, and this is information that I have kept from my family for very good reasons.

Now, that said, it doesn't sound like your partner's situation is any way as serious as what ours is like. I do think, yes, your mums can maintain their own individual relationship (just like ours could, in theory), but I would make sure that your mum understands really clearly why this makes you uncomfortable and the potential concerns you have about it (manipulation for financial reasons, getting information about your partner without having to actually engage with them, etc.). If you think it could ultimately damage your relationship with your mum, I would be honest about that. Anyone can have a friendship with whoever they want, but it may mean that there are repercussions and things you can't share with your mum, etc. as a result. I know if my MIL was in contact with my mum, photos of dc, any info about them, visits with us, etc. would need to stop, because the risk to my dc is just too great.

Original poster

Flyingkite23 · 13/07/2023 12:28

@Coolhwip thanks, I’ve tried and tried - ultimately my mum will always do what she wants. If I called the police she would just regress further into her own world and i’m worried I wouldn’t be aware of whats going on.

She doesn’t see it as being taken advantage of - she ‘just likes helping others’. Which is kind, but not when it disadvantages her and ultimately leaves her short. Of course, she doesn’t see it that way.

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 13/07/2023 12:48

@Flyingkite23 mum doesn’t need to know about it. Hopefully MIL will be scared off by the threat to call police?

forrestgreen · 13/07/2023 12:52

If you believe your mum is being financially abused by another person and is unable to understand that. Then I'd block that person on my mums phone..

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 13/07/2023 13:18

Their friendship is a separate thing and you can't really put restrictions on it. Your mum is probably thinking long term, if your husband relationship with his mother improves it will be easier if they have maintained their friendship.

LaMaG · 13/07/2023 13:25

If I was enjoying a friendship with someone and my parents / siblings / child asked me to back down because of their strained relationship with that person I would think they are out of order. Maybe warn your mum about MILs habit of asking for money but otherwise i don't think you or DH get to be involved in this.

5128gap · 13/07/2023 13:33

Your partner is being controlling. Please don't collude with them to include your mum in the sphere of influence. She is an adult woman who has now developed a friendship with another women on their own terms. She is not an extention of you or your partner to represent their interests. If you're worried she will be taken advantage of, warn her and leave her to decide. If my partner tried to police my mum like that I'd be very quickly telling them to back off. I Hope you'll defend your mum in this.

RedRobyn2021 · 13/07/2023 16:22

The truth is you can't dictate what two adults do. You do you and leave your mum to it, she's not involved in your partners dispute with their mother.

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