AIBU to tell you about the conversation I just had with a specialist school for my DC

[NameChange5252]

Mainly posting because I’m upset and can’t stop bloody crying and thought I’d post on mumsnet as no professional, MP or anyone involved with my DC seems to give a shit. I also don’t feel this sits on the SEN boards, while the advice there is great, I’m past the point of advice.

Both DH and I are in the armed forces. I’m on mat leave, and have had the delight of trying to get my disabled older child a suitable school place for almost 18 months. We have finally after numerous consultations found an independent school that feels they can meet his needs and take him from September when I need to be back at work. All great.

Had a call this morning from the proposed school as his current school mentioned we are being posted next year. They feel ‘they cannot offer a place for such a short term placement as he’ll just be settling in’. So what is my DC actually supposed to do? Never access education as we move every two years!?

I am so fucking sick of being discriminated against, and my child being deprived of education and healthcare. In my road alone there are five kids out of education due to postings into the area having given at least three months notice to local authorities. It’s ridiculous.

(I know people will say we need to leave the forces, settle, and that’s the plan. But surely we aren’t saying as a society that people in the armed forces shouldn’t have children?)

SEN places are near enough impossible to get, they are completely right. By the time he's settled in you'd have to move and it's not fair that he's taking another child's place or on your son. Im so sorry it's shit.

You need to leave the forces that or try and settle somewhere. My dad was in the forces and traveled every weekend back & fourth to give us some stability.

There is no question that SEN education should be more widely available and easily accessible but you may have to accept that your child is not one that will thrive by being moved every two years.

Disability is like that, it doesn't always fit with the choices we've made, or would like to make.

That’s really rubbish for your son but I can see it from the schools point of view.
Is there any chance your DS would attend a residential specialist school?

That’s absolutely fucking scandalous. DH was in the armed forces for 35yrs so I know how difficult it is. Surely they can’t say that your child can’t access his school place just incase you’re posted next year? We all know how reliable the military are when it comes to that. They say X when they mean Y.

Is there anyone associated with the relevant families federation for your branch of service who could help? This seems so wrong. I’m sorry @NameChange5252

It sounds awful - you say you are in the armed forces .

Firstly thank you for the sacrifices you are making for the rest of us to have an easier, safer life

secondly, can you speak to your actual employer? Surely you can't be the only person they will have come across in this position, and will be able to offer guidance?

Best wishes

I can also understand why the school don’t want to offer a short-term placement. I can understand your frustration though.

Isn't this why forces kids often go to boarding schools?

I think you need to accept that your career is a lifestyle choice that isn't compatible with your child's needs.

That sounds totally rubbish and very unfair. I'm sure it's not ideal, but is boarding a possibility?

Have you had a look at the Armed Forces
Covenant for school places in case that would help? I don't know if it would but it is supposed to deal with some of the school issues for military families.

I'm as left-wing as they come, but I wouldn't describe people putting their lives on the line to protect the rest of us as making 'a lifestyle choice'. It's not that she's working 24/7 in finance to make a massive bonus.

Sorry but part of having children is making big changes when you have to.

When you have children with SEN that’s even more the case.

I have two children with EHCPs so I do understand it’s not easy, but you make choices.

I live in a borough with decent SEN funding even though I’d like to move.

DH and I have both stopped significant progress in our careers so we can look after our boys properly.

I don’t generally get to do much of what I’d like to.

I don’t go to family functions because my youngest is a wrecking ball and it’s too stressful.

It’s shit and it’s heartbreaking and unfair and all the things but settling a child who needs a specialist provision takes a lot of time and it’s not good for the child or cohort for unnecessary disruption.

No no no fucking no. This is not what the armed forces covenant is about. Does that school also offer boarding to other kids? If so, the BSA will have been keeping the place afloat.

Who is your MP? I’m sorry they’ve been useless. Other MPs who take an interest who are slightly local may be able to offer a nudge, either to your MP, or to services which can help. They can’t take up your case directly, unfortunately, but if you explain you’ve spoken to your MP with no luck they may give you some pointers. Dan Jarvis? Johnny Mercer? Have a look here:
https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm/cmallparty/210421/armed-forces-covenant.htm

Have you spoken to pastoral services? Sorry, I know that’s not the word, as a forces brat I’ve never had to engage as an adult and I’m not sure which service your family is in.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Can your SEN child board our local private with a huge SEN school department takes boarders. There's a waiting list . They wouldn't be keen on a temporary placement because they care about the children who take longer to settle and integrate.

As a country we have to decide if we want armed forces or not.

If we do then we all need to work to ensure that the children of those who serve are disadvantaged as little as possible as a result.

To be honest I thought that that was already the law. My kids’ school is fairly close to a base and they have occasionally gone over 30 in a class to accommodate a forces child.

Is the school correct though about settling into school and then having to change? Also, are you guaranteed to get a place in a school that will suit their needs in the new area you are being posted to?

I agree with this.

It sucks op, I get it. I have a DC with autism, and it is a totally different ballgame from having NT children. You need to make huge sacrifices and your life cannot always look like you would want it to, I know mine doesn't.

It isn't right, but it is how it is.

Things haven’t changed much then have they! My dad was in the forces when I was a child, we had crappy accommodation that wasn’t fit for purpose, squeezed into schools that weren’t suitable for our needs because that’s all that was available. Then two years later the whole sorry process started again. I’m sorry OP, the armed forces are really undervalued.

Could you give SSAFA a call and see if they’ve any advice? They have a team dealing with disabilities and also have a welfare team that could help.

Has your unit welfare officer got any advice? I’d get them involved.

The school admissions code has provisions preventing (or trying to prevent) discrimination against service children. I’m not sure if they are helpful in your situation as my child isn’t school age yet (so I haven’t looked).

I’m not sure what level you/your husband are at. This is definitely something that should be considered at posting boards - have you both included on your PPPs?

Very frustrating.

Forces or not however, those needing specialist schools often can't find a suitable place.

It took one friend three years to find a placement for her son, cost her her career and impacted mental health of the rest of the family significantly.

It's shit this is how it is for disabled kids and their parents.

OP, have you been in touch with CEAS (Children's Education and Advisory Service)? They are there specifically to provide information, advice and support on SEN to parent who are in the services - link here.. There is also specific information about provision LAs are required to make for children of Service families from page 219 onwards in the SEND Code of Practice