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Original poster

Can you ground a 16 year old

26 replies

Menopausecrazy · 13/07/2023 09:20

I’m having a lot of behaviour problems with my 16 year old son. He has started telling me he is going out instead of asking me. On occasions I’ve said no as I’m not happy about where he is going but he just ignores me anyway. I’ve stopped giving him any money and have taken the wi fi away to try and get some respect back. Do your 16 year olds ask or do I have to just accept this behaviour?

OP posts:
123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/07/2023 09:37

I think at 16 they shouldnt need to ask but have a curfew and respect that

ReaIIyThough · 13/07/2023 09:42

At 16 they shouldn't need to ask. Maybe that's why you're having issues if you are trying to block everything he does.

Hufflemuff · 13/07/2023 09:46

Depends where he's going and at what time. I'd say he can come and go between 8am and 9pm wherever he wants to, but beyond those times he needs to check with you.

Has he ever given you reason to not trust him.

Original poster
Menopausecrazy · 13/07/2023 09:54

Sorry I should have said he sometimes comes home stoned. He is lazy and doesn’t do anything around the house despite requests. He is rude and argumentative

OP posts:
ReaIIyThough · 13/07/2023 10:06

Then yes ground him. But maybe work together to find out why he's being like this.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/07/2023 10:10

Menopausecrazy · 13/07/2023 09:54

Sorry I should have said he sometimes comes home stoned. He is lazy and doesn’t do anything around the house despite requests. He is rude and argumentative

I could have wrote this for my 16 year old (now 18). I tried grounding, I tried removing everything, took his money away which only added to the stress. Whilst I dont agree with it I came to the conclusion that I would rather know and be able to have a conversation than not know. Sitting him down and having a chat and explaining why I didnt agree I didnt want him thinking he couldnt talk to me. Nothing much has changed other than conversations around other drugs but it has definately been a long hard slog. Good luck OP xx

redskytwonight · 13/07/2023 10:13

How do you ground a 16 year old? Won't they just walk out?

It sounds like establishing a better relationship and more constructive communication might be the way to go. I think it's absolutely fine for you to say "I expect you to do xyz jobs as part of living in your house. If you don't, the consequence is that I won't be bothered to do stuff for you (lifts, money, his washing....)". Just imposing rules for no perceived reason never goes down well with teens.

Parisj · 13/07/2023 10:13

It's tricky in practice, even though the boundaries are probably much needed - male teen wanting independence, physically stronger and increasingly defiant. What are your options if he defies the grounding and just goes?

MissSmiley · 13/07/2023 12:28

I have two 16 year old boys (they are my third and fourth) in my opinion it's about respect, I expect mine to come and go as they please but they're respectful and will let me know if they're going to be late, they know I'll worry, they'll be quiet when they come in and they'll be honest about where they've been and what they've been up to, one of mine has dabbled with weed, didn't like it much but they sometimes come back a bit tipsy. I tend to give them a lot of freedom but they repay me with consideration. Have a chat with them about your expectations around behaviour and sharing responsibilities around the house. At this age you should be guiding them to make good decisions of their own rather than laying down the law.

PinkyFlamingo · 13/07/2023 12:32

Not sure how you can physically stop him from leaving the house!

Elfandwellbeing · 13/07/2023 13:07

Mine Come and go as please if I trust them, sounds like you have trust and respect issues.
What does he value ? Find his currency. I sympathize… some teens think they know it all!

orangeleavesinautumn · 13/07/2023 13:09

You cant ground him, but your house your rules and he needs to understand he can be asked to move out if he doesn't follow them.

Adult discussion and negotiation is the way forward, but if he is coming home stoned, he might not be capable of that - and will be giving himself permanent brain damage.

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2023 13:13

I didn’t expect mine to ask to go out at 16 but I did like to know what they were up to. Briefly, not in detail. Weed and booze are often par for the course at that age. Keep talking to him, treat him like an older teen and hopefully things will calm down.

Horrid age, I was glad when they grew up a bit.

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2023 13:13

You can’t ground him … he’d just walk out wouldn’t he?

x2boys · 13/07/2023 13:14

My 16 doesn't go.out that much he prefers gaming with his friends
But when he does go out he lets me know how long hes. going to be etc he knows I worry and more so because he's recently been diagnosed with diabetes

orangeleavesinautumn · 13/07/2023 13:19

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2023 13:13

I didn’t expect mine to ask to go out at 16 but I did like to know what they were up to. Briefly, not in detail. Weed and booze are often par for the course at that age. Keep talking to him, treat him like an older teen and hopefully things will calm down.

Horrid age, I was glad when they grew up a bit.

In what universe are weed and booze par for the course at this age? Weed at this age causes permanent brain damage - if it was par for the course, all adults would have permanent brain damage, wouldn't they!

Fortunately it is only a tiny minority of 16 year olds afflicted by this

Was126orbustandmaybebust · 13/07/2023 13:24

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2023 13:13

I didn’t expect mine to ask to go out at 16 but I did like to know what they were up to. Briefly, not in detail. Weed and booze are often par for the course at that age. Keep talking to him, treat him like an older teen and hopefully things will calm down.

Horrid age, I was glad when they grew up a bit.

What? Weed and booze are often par for the course at 16?
I think this really depends on the group of 16 years you know.
DD1 and DD2 are both at uni now and those there are those that do, many many more do not.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/07/2023 13:25

My dd is 18 and still asks!!! However, she does so out of respect and because she knows that I am not unreasonable or controlling in any way, so I guess it's more of a formality really.

It sounds like there are bigger issues that you need to address than him telling you that he is going out. He clearly has no respect or consideration for you. You sound a bit controlling towards him.

Focus on rebuilding the relationship if you can. At this age, you can't make them do anything really, so it all hinges on the quality of your relationship and them wanting cooperate.

Hillarious · 13/07/2023 13:32

MissSmiley · 13/07/2023 12:28

I have two 16 year old boys (they are my third and fourth) in my opinion it's about respect, I expect mine to come and go as they please but they're respectful and will let me know if they're going to be late, they know I'll worry, they'll be quiet when they come in and they'll be honest about where they've been and what they've been up to, one of mine has dabbled with weed, didn't like it much but they sometimes come back a bit tipsy. I tend to give them a lot of freedom but they repay me with consideration. Have a chat with them about your expectations around behaviour and sharing responsibilities around the house. At this age you should be guiding them to make good decisions of their own rather than laying down the law.

My boys were similar. But this situation takes years of hard work, nurturing and mutual respect to bring about and cannot simply be imposed once boundaries have been crossed.

towriteyoumustlive · 13/07/2023 15:40

Grounding him is pointless at 16.

You would be far better off having a family meeting and discussing what is expected e.g. good manners etc...

He shouldn't perhaps have to ask to go out but he should be polite and let you know if he is in for dinner or not, or if he is going out.

He should also be helping around the house. I assume he does his own laundry?

WeetabixTowels · 13/07/2023 15:43

I don’t think a 16yo needs permission to leave the house TBH. As long as he is telling you where he’s going and has a phone on him what’s the issue?

HappiDaze · 13/07/2023 15:57

No

FartSock5000 · 13/07/2023 16:43

You can but he if wants to walk out, he will and you can't stop him.

Look at other ways to give consequences.

"If you choose to leave the house after I have said not to then there will be consequences."

And you take away his electronics. Phone, Xbox etc

He gets them back when he earns them.

Move on to his trainers and best trackies - leave him 1 outfit for after school and the scruffiest set of trainers. He has to earn the best stuff back.

Go back to basics as if he was a toddler but encourage him to talk openly to you.

He can tell you that he wants to go out and hang with his mates and you can agree but if he still hasn't taken the rubbish out by 11pm then there will be consequences and you go back to removing his crap until he earns it back.

Babsexxx · 13/07/2023 17:42

Depends my dd doesn’t even tell me she’s going out but sticks to her curfew she just says by mum love you done and I don’t have a problem with it she always responds to messages and calls is responsible and doesn’t have behaviour issues what behaviour issues does he have?

I8toys · 13/07/2023 18:13

My 19 and 17 year old don't ask but they do tell. Its a mutual respect thing. We tell each other where we will be and what we're upto. I thought that was a normal family thing. Then we can organise food/pickup/lifts etc.