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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave over Sex

21 replies

Sunshineonacloudydayhey · 12/07/2023 18:34

This is incredibly personal so pleaae be kind.
Husband and I met when we were both 21 (18 years ago). When we met he was just going in for a procedure and as a result suffered ED which meant we never had penetrative sex. We did other things but never full sex. After a few years of trying a few things out (he tried viagra but apparently gave him a headache!) we stopped trying. I was never allowed to bring it up, he would always get so defensive.
We basically haven't had an intimate relationship for over 12 years. I am not sure why I stayed with him at the time. I think a mix of we had the same outlook on life had lots of fun.

We have two children who were both conceived using IUI.
The last few years I can't help dreaming about sex and how scared I am that I have lost a huge part of my life and I feel so sad.
AIBU to want to leave because of this at this later stage in our marraige. He won't discuss it or do anything about it. Can I change my mind and say this isn't for me.

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 12/07/2023 18:36

You can leave a relationship for whatever reason you want

HappiDaze · 12/07/2023 18:39

You have our permission to leave him to get some proper sex

Purplepeaches123 · 12/07/2023 18:41

If it’s making you unhappy in your relationship then yes leave. Doesn’t matter what is causing your unhappiness.

Wildspace · 12/07/2023 20:11

The fact that he won’t even discuss this with you is the biggest issue here. If anyone’s partner refuses to talk about the biggest issue in a relationship then that’s a red flag.

Equalitea · 12/07/2023 21:21

There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex! If you’re unhappy then you can leave.

DustyLee123 · 12/07/2023 21:23

I’m surprised you’ve stayed so long !
You only have one life, live it how you want to, not how you are told to.
I lost my sex drive due to peri at around age 50, go get some banging sex before you hit that age 😉

grunttheterrible · 12/07/2023 21:29

This depends strongly on how important sex is to you. To be honest I've had one amazing sexual encounter and while I'd love for sex to always be like that, I'm happy with my lot, DH is gorgeous and kind and amazing and so I'm happy after many years of relationships with cruel awful people who weren't great at sex. We all have our personal priorities and it's fine if sex is important to you, provided you've communicated to him what you need ❤️

MixedTocopherols · 12/07/2023 21:35

Of course you can leave! I mean, you can leave for any reason, but this is a strong reason imo.

After all this time, the fact he won't let you talk about it - that's unlikely to change. It's a huge sacrifice you've made and he's not acknowledging the impact on you.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 12/07/2023 21:36

This is your one life, live how you want to. I do think its true we regret the things we didnt do, more than the things we did do.

BeverlyHa · 12/07/2023 21:39

Most women complain they cannot have real orgasm without clitoris ......whatevers , even though they get the penetration with the dick. So ....how lesbians do it? I don't know. Do you love the man otherwise?

BeetyAxe · 12/07/2023 21:40

Run, and run fast. You don’t get another chance and deserve to be happy in all aspects of life. The kid will be fine. You can do this.

Rewis · 12/07/2023 21:42

You wouldn't be leaving because of sex. You would be leaving because your husband can't have an adult conversation and doesn't care about your needs.

anythinginapinch · 12/07/2023 21:46

Rewis · 12/07/2023 21:42

You wouldn't be leaving because of sex. You would be leaving because your husband can't have an adult conversation and doesn't care about your needs.

This

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2023 21:54

You need to leave him because he neglects and dismisses you. You've given him enough of your life. It's time for a new beginning.

Olleochalex · 12/07/2023 21:58

You need to be straight with your husband. Can you try therapy? Would he be open to that?

I think you should try to address this with him first. Then think about leaving after that. But you do say that there has been no intimacy for many years. That is an essential part of a relationship, and he needs to be aware of that too.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 22:15

Wildspace · 12/07/2023 20:11

The fact that he won’t even discuss this with you is the biggest issue here. If anyone’s partner refuses to talk about the biggest issue in a relationship then that’s a red flag.

I agree.

Can you IMAGINE if the situation was reversed eg if you'd had a birth injury? You'd probably feel so guilty his needs weren't met and you'd be considering allowing him to use a sex worker. Or you would be giving him a blow job every day (assuming he does nothing to try to satisfy you).

My ex actually had this condition temporarily after a penile fracture and I had to be totally celibate, got no pleasure or sexual intimacy from him at all for months until he was ready to use his penis. I didn't say to him at the time but did feel very unfair as every time I had my period he got satisfied (blow job etc) from me.

If everything else in your marriage is very good (doesn't sound like it) and you want to stay with him you could let him
Know you are thinking about opening up the relationship, what would he think about this etc. have you used a dildo/ vibrator to experience penetration?

You also have the option of an affair or fling or using a sex wonder if it's JUST the physical act that you want to try

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 22:16

Rewis · 12/07/2023 21:42

You wouldn't be leaving because of sex. You would be leaving because your husband can't have an adult conversation and doesn't care about your needs.

Yup

GroggyLegs · 12/07/2023 22:17

Rewis · 12/07/2023 21:42

You wouldn't be leaving because of sex. You would be leaving because your husband can't have an adult conversation and doesn't care about your needs.

Yes, 100%

And I would be of the opinion that the communication is what needs to be tackled first. He can't just pretend it's not happening.

I have a lot of empathy for him as someone who has had issues with sex because of medical issues, it's total shit. Sex becomes psychologically linked with pain & shame & guilt & arguments. I wouldn't wish it on anyone or their partner.

If you wanted to explore if you could save the marriage, there are options to consider other than no sex & leaving.
But if you just feel it's done & you've already left the relationship, then I'd go sooner, rather than later.

Dadvice · 29/10/2023 07:12

Sunshineonacloudydayhey · 12/07/2023 18:34

I am sort of going through a similar situation, nothing medical but my wife and i are not having sex. Its a huge deal for me and i cant really see a way out apart from leaving so have that fulfilment back. This thread has shown me it is acceptable to leave when things just are not right. You have my sympathies and you should probably leave.

JMSA · 29/10/2023 07:47

You've had the patience of a saint
It's time to leave.

Sapphire387 · 29/10/2023 07:52

I think it depends how much effort he is making to get it sorted. Sounds like he has given up and is just avoiding the issue, which is difficult for you.

I wonder if people would say the same in reverse - if you had a medical issue that made sex difficult, would they be advising him to leave you?

Are there really not other things you two can do, sexually? Has he really exhausted all options?

I think a frank conversation is needed between you two. It's hardly surprising that you need more intimacy than you're getting.

If he refuses to discuss it or make changes then I agree, you should think about leaving.

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