How to deal with self-absorbed friend

[Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids]

It reminds me why I don't have many friends.
First of all, she is constantly on and off with her partner and I'm sick to death of hearing. (however I've said this to a former friend and it wasn't taken well)
Same old story, they've had an argument, he's a dick, the wedding's off and she's moving out, and I'm expected to listen while she goes on and on. Then a day later (or even an hour later), "We're back together/we've made up."
Oh, what a fucking surprise!
I rarely see her, last time was last May. She occasionally asks if I'm free but it's always on the same day which is annoying, like I'm some afterthought because her bf isn't around or something. Never really seems to want to make plans in person.
I get daily me me me WhatsApp messages from her, some that have clearly been sent out en masse to whoever will listen (whether they want to or not)
If I talk about my own issues or whatever she will listen, but it's mainly about her.
Random messages about her day, her job, and so on.
I am trying to go low contact, and this sounds pathetic but she can be very vindictive, very angry and spiteful so I'm quite afraid of confronting her. Don't know what to do, no mutual friends at present but she can be very aggressive so I don't know what to do.

I feel like she isn't that fussed about meeting because if I ever say we should meet over the summer or something it's like 'yeah definitelyyyy' but she's never proactive about it. Honestly I'm not that bothered anymore.

Say nothing but take longer and longer to reply.

Mention being so busy with work, family etc., keeping going on about being busy.

Then make answers super super short with very vague "you'll work it out" answers.

Do not meet up, too busy.

Taking so long to answer that she moves on.

Deny anything is wrong, just so so busy.

Dont deviate from being busy.

She's not a real friend, is she? In what way would she make things difficult for you? I'd just stop replying and if she forces it say, "sorry, up to my eyes at the moment" and then leave it. As you say she's sending these messages out to more people - clearly she's not getting much back from some of them, either.

Thank you, I'll try.
I had this very similar issue with a previous friend, (one mentioned in op) except she was way worse as she was a complete emotional vampire, any sort of positive news she'd have to find the negative, or for instance when I had the first covid Jab she was trying to make me scared that I'd get very ill, plus she slagged me off to a mutual friend, called me a boring grandma and stuff. Overall a very selfish person. Anyway I snapped one day and told her everything I felt. I got about 26 pages back in reply, and the next day I was blocked on every platform. I felt bad for a while but honestly a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. However I'm too scared to do it with this one.

Time is precious, OP, don't waste it on this one who is clearly living in her own little world. Your time is worth more than this. I've cut people out of my life recently, not an easy decision but there is an element of peace not having to put up with the s**t anymore. I hope you managed to have this too.

The messages from her are always sort of 'Ok so I've got a dilemma. Sarah is having a party on Saturday and I totally said I'd go but now I'm not feeling it. What should I do?" Boo hoo 🙄

I do need to find the courage, I feel bad because she's not negative about me like the ex friend she can say nice things and be encouraging, she's just very very self absorbed. I will try the grey rock method. Thank you

Hi @Iwishthaticouldbelikethecoolkids phase this person out. I'd stop replying tbh, she'll get the message. I understand what you're going through, you'll feel so much better when the contact stops xx

You sound like you'd be a heartbreaker in a relationship lol

Thank you, you've all given me more courage to do it.

I know someone just like this. If she's not having a drama, she creates on and it's exhausting. Conversations are pretty much one-sided monologues and if I dare to have a problem, you can bet she knows how I feel because one time the same thing happened to her but EVEN WORSE. 😳

I didn't have the heart to have any kind of conversation as I knew she would take it badly so I just stopped feeding the drama, took longer and longer to respond and I think she eventually got the message. Friendship is two way and you have to be there for each other, not just one sucking the life out of the other.

This sounds like a situation rather than a friendship.

I'm glad she eventually got the message.
I feel like it's on me for having these weak boundaries that these types pick up on and exploit.

I knew [ past tense ] some one just like that....always a drama and fired off texts to everyone to get responses....i just told her i was going abroad to work and travel which was plausable....then after a few weeks i blocked her....the scatter gun text approach is to get attention....just block and move on...waste of time and life !

But that's a perfect opportunity to use a suggestion from a PP - 'I'm sure you'll work it out'.

Had another 'guess what happened to me' msg from her last night so I just sent a very short reply without any questions. I've noticed that someone is always wronging her or doing her dirty according to her, everyone's against her it seems.

You need to help yourself here.

Why did you reply back so quickly?

Absolutely no need.

You could have easily left it to some time today.

Why didn't you?

You are right, your boundaries are very poor, even when you are talking about this issue and have had clear advice to step back, you answered her back quickly.

Think about this.

I mean this kindly, but you will continue to have this issue when you behave as you do.

Try a rule, no response until 24 hours later.

A short response 24 hours later.

If you are not prepared to do that, you are not prepared to actually really deal with her.

You do not owe her or anybody a fast response.

I had a “ friend” like this , it was utterly draining, I lost contact with her in the end , as I couldn’t cope with all her drama .

This is presicely what I was going to say. I'm not scared of confrontation but I'm a master at avoiding it.

The example you gave about Sarah's party. Don't reply til the Sunday and be v v apologetic...you've just seen this now, just been so busy and losing track of things, anyway did you go? Hope you had a nice time if so!

Other good phrases for the boyfriend drama:
"That sounds really difficult"
"Have you told him how you feel?"
"I'm sure you'll work it out"
"Hopefully he comes back to his senses soon!"
"Oh no, I'm sorry"
After a bit of time she will get fed up of you not engaging. Then you can drag out the time before you reply longer and longer.