I don’t know what to say to friend about IVF

[Bournevilla]

I have a friend I’ve known for three years now. She’s increasingly talking about wanting to have a baby (she’s almost 40), how she’d find it fulfilling and how much she’d regret not having one. She’s a really interesting, very intelligent and well-read person and we have a lot of similar interests. We did see each other weekly but I’ve moved away and now we text most days but only see each other very irregularly. She’s a thoughtful, kind and loyal person but can also be a bit over-assertive which puts people off (DH and some friends I’ve introduced her to have all found her a bit arrogant or rude).

Whilst I‘ve always been supportive of her and her plans to date and to have a baby, she’s never had a relationship, has a great career but works three days a week due to finding full-time too stressful, is obese (BMI is about 38), has never spent time with children before and has a very small social circle. Realistically it’d need to be via IVF with donor sperm after significant, quick weight loss, then raising the baby alone, and I just don’t know if she’s physically or mentally prepared for it.

All our conversations seem to come back to IVF / babies nowadays and I just don’t know what to say. I want to support her but in the time I’ve known her she hasn’t got past the first date with anyone, lost any weight or started any fertility investigations so on some level it’s like she’s deliberately letting time run out?

That’s interesting, thanks. She would be going private. I don’t know her BMI but she’s pretty similar in size and shape to Laura Adlington, who was in the press a few years ago saying she needed to lose 14st for IVF. I’m guessing that was to get to a BMI of 30 though?

I don’t know how she’d cope with a baby (or how I would either). I do know she’s not going to have one if she doesn’t take steps to make it happen though. She doesn’t want to adopt or use donor eggs, she turns 40 next month and she’s not having sex.

Sorry to hear that you are needing fertility investigations and also having issues with your friend at the same time. I’m a similar age to your friend and have had three rounds of IVF over the last year.

My advice to your friend would be to get as informed as possible about everything to do with assisted/ donor conception now and to look into sources of support - Nicola Salmon (Fat Positive Fertility) and Jessica Bourke (The Fertility Detective) would be good people for her to Google for a start. I believe many private fertility clinics do have an upper BMI limit but some don’t; Newlife in Epsom and ARK in Greece have been mentioned to me as being supportive of people trying to conceive with a higher BMI (those are just examples I didn’t use them myself so can’t give a recommendation). If she finds a clinic that can help her she could then get some initial tests done to have a more accurate view of her chances if she does pursue treatment. She could also consider joining online communities like Facebook groups, Instagram or single parent by choice forums to build up a network of others in a similar position which might give her an alternative avenue to have the chats she’s currently wanting to have with you.

My advice to you would be to try and direct her (where you can) to those alternative sources of support. When you do occasionally see her in person maybe you could try doing a planned activity focusing on your joint interests (like visiting an art gallery or going to a political comedy night) to cut down on the chat about children’s shoes and controlled crying. None of my friends or acquaintances with children have ever discussed that level of parenting detail with me and I personally wouldn’t have found it helpful when I’d been trying for a long time to conceive without success. If she doesn’t get the hint I’d consider being kind but firm in insisting that you’re happy to discuss a brief update about your/ her fertility status but you find it uncomfortable to discuss hypothetical aspects of parenting at the moment. Best of luck with your investigations and I hope things work out for you soon

Speaking as a single mother who began the process at a similar age to your friend…

First of all, don’t judge. When it comes to parenthood by choice people assume the woman needs to be superhuman, and judge on that basis whether it’s a good idea, when it’s normal for all kinds of women, some more competent and some less competent, and of all different sizes, to be mothers, and many mothers handle the work of raising children alone or almost alone, not just the ones who chose single motherhood. In short, it’s up to her not you to decide that she is ready for motherhood.

Second, at nearly 40 the best advice you can give her is to make an appointment with a fertility dr NOW. If she is at all serious she will be really mad at herself later if she wastes time now.

I also agree with directing her to single mother groups. There are loads and she will find plenty of discussions to take part in.

I think it’s normal for anyone thinking of motherhood, single or not, to think about baby things (though she does sound a bit obsessed). If she starts the process she’ll soon discover that for most older women there’s a long journey on the way.

I do understand though that if you are going through ivf yourself you may want to keep a distance. It’s hard to compare experiences.

Not necessarily sometimes when you have existing conditions or a family history of scary conditions you need to get to a lower BMI. Eg if GPs had known about my preclampsia risk before DS I would probably have been told to get down to BMI 22. There are drugs available to support this if it’s a huge amount of weight loss