Dealing with school bullies

[schoolbully]

Hello - NC as possibly outing. Posted in Primary education but posting here also for traffic.

My DS (aged 10) has, this last school year, been verbally and physically bullied at school. The bullies (aged 10 also and there are 2 of them - both boys and both with "diagnosis of ADHD", according to the Head). These boys have punched my son in the head repeatedly (causing him to bleed), punched his arms (giving him bruises), punched his stomach, kicked him, shoved him into goal posts, sworn at him, and verbally abused him. Often, it focuses around sport and the boys lash out at my son (who is very good at football). One bully caught my son by the throat and strangled him. My DS was terrified and managed to run away - this was witnessed by the male caretaker and the bully was suspended for two days.

My DS is a very, very good athlete and the Head said this is likely why he has been so bullied - the bullies target him out of jealousy. Many of the assaults have been witnessed by TAs / other staff members and my DS never retaliates. Today, when DS was verbally abused, it was witnessed by the TA and he went and told on the bully. He was called a snitch, sworn at and had a ball thrown at him.

I am so, so angry. We don't live near another primary school but I cannot let this happen anymore. The school did say they hand out "consequences" but they don't seem to be working. I have started an email chain with the Head so that everything is recorded.

One of the bullies actually had the police come and give him a warning because of how awful he treated my son (this was done by the school and they told me they had arranged this). This has all been happening since September. My boy is very sociable and friendly and never fights back. I've told him that if another child lays their hands on him, he can push them away and I've told the Head this - I don't want DS to be afraid of another child and of being hurt anymore.

I have spoken with another school today to see if we can get DS in there, as I'm worried for his mental health. The other school said they can't take him due to us not being in that catchment area, so DH and I said we will move house (wheels are already in motion for this).

What else can I do? Any advice appreciated.

That is appalling. I'm so sorry this is happening to your son.

I don't have experience so I'm sure someone better informed will come along, but I think if it were me I'd be kicking off with as many people as possible. Headteacher, SENCO, governors, Ofsted, etc. I'd also call the police every time. Could you get your son a personal attack alarm maybe?

This is absolutely shocking they have to be expelled the school have a duty of care and safeguarding here which they are not practicing. Report to ofsted.

Thank you both - I am in tears as I just cannot see what else we can do. My poor boy has never once reacted - I don't know how he hasn't. He is a rugby player (he's small but quick) and used to scrums etc, but with these two bullies, he just crumbles.

We saw one of the bullies in the shop recently and his mum was swearing at her son, so I said to DS that "hurt people, hurt people" and just to make sure he gives them a wide berth. Then, this week, this boy pushes my son into a goalpost, leaving DS to require first aid, and then today he swore at him and kicked a ball at him. I mean, there is a limit here to what a child can take.

My DH is furious and called the school back. They could only tell him that "there have been consequences" but not what these consequences are. The one who hurt him today and yesterday was suspended previously for strangling my son. It's just unbelievable what has gone on with these bullies and the fact that it's still continuing.

I think in your situation, if this was my son, with the school not dealing with it properly, I would have to call the police. The strangling in particular is so serious. Your poor son. I'm sorry you and your son are going through this. You must feel helpless. But if the school aren't willing to deal with the situation properly, I would have to contact the police and ask them for help.

They are failing to safeguard your son and not ensuring that he is protected. Sounds like you have done your best to address this.

In extreme circumstances where children repeatedly display challenging behaviour during break and lunch times they can have separate break times. This of course requires adult support.

If you are not getting anywhere with the Head I would put in a formal complaint to the chair of Governors.
You could copy in the SEN governor as there are clearly behaviour management concerns.

Call the police. Every single time. It’s assault and by your description ABH. Keep calling the police. Write to the school governors, make the LEA aware and report to ofstead. Document your actions in writing to the headteacher. Relentless action. Make sure in no uncertain terms how serious this is and how seriously you are taking it. I am so sorry this is happening to your boy. Schools need to be much much more robust in dealing with bullying.

When you report to Ofsted make sure you include ''the Head said this is likely why he has been so bullied''.

He's wrong. The 'reason' your son is being bullies is because the boys are bullies, and the focus should be on their behaviour.

I would call the parents out on the playground in front of everyone and ask why they are continuing to allow their kids to bully yours.

Also my son has autism and adhd, he's never once bullied anyone. They are using it as a excuse. this isn't down to SEN it's down to lack of punishment. They should be expelling the children in question.

you have no choice but to take legal action. Report to the police. Get social services involved. Ask for legal advice too - in a similar situation I threatened to go after the parents legally on as many points as I could -I was so angry I think I even took the dad to small claims court for the cost of my daughter’s clothes.

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks trust me, the amount of restraint I have had to show when I saw one of the bully's mum on the playground was almost too much to bear. Her son got my son in a headlock and proceeded to punch his head repeatedly until DS started to bleed. I wanted to tell her that if her son touched my son again I was going to call the police, but the Head told me that if I did that, I would be banned from the school grounds. She then told me the police had been called in to deal with his behaviour and give him a "warning".

Please don't throw a grenade at your own life over this. Moving house and school is going to be so disruptive, all because of 2 horrible kids! I think everyone on here's already listed the governors, OFSTED etc... but I would also ask for a formal meeting between yourself, the Headteacher and the 2 boys parents. I would also reach out to the parents online or via Whatsapp and explain the situation, go into how emotional its made you all. Tell them you are also prepared to get police to be involved - every.single.time.

Does anyone know if theres a point where social services would also become involved? If a child was so out of control and the parent is doing nothing to punish them?

I know I have seen this situation and almost always the victim of bullying ends up moving. It is horrible and that is no real answer but invariably that is what happens.

Don't call out the mum in public. It's clear they've both been dragged up and violence is how they respond.

This is a joke! Ban you! Are they having a laugh! Ask for a crime reference number so you can follow up. I bet this will call their bluff as I don't think they got police involved at all.

The suggestions above are good but I’d also be getting your son some self defence lessons and telling him that he has your permission, next time he’s picked on, to beat the absolute shit out of them.

@Hufflemuff we were thinking of moving anyway due to other things (secondary school catchment) but we initially wanted to keep DS in his primary school because he does have a good friend network there. It's just a shame that two nasty little boys are making his life so difficult and I just don't want DS to have to deal with this anymore. And yes, I do think they don't want me to confront the mum of one of the boys (I know who she is) but when I walk past her I do have to grit my teeth!

The police should have been called urgently the day of the strangling and they still need to be called now and every single time going forward.

I’d call the police every single time. If withdrawing him isn’t an option - I appreciate it is not always possible then that’s what I’d do. Just make myself a massive pain in their arse and report every incident to the police as a separate assault and push for it to get dealt with through the legal system.

@FatNoMoreSue yes I said to DH we need to get him some self defence lessons. He can take down big lads in rugby with ease but when it comes to these bullies, it's like he freezes.

He may have to fight back. Sounds like he's got the physical ability, but needs to turn that fear into physical assertiveness. That could put a stop to it. Some folks will say oh no, that's awful and wrong. Well, it might not be nice, but it's how life works.

I went through a stage of being bullied on the school bus. Lost my temper, swung the sharp edge of my folder at the ringleader boy's neck. Pure fear in his eyes. And that was that. Never happened again. Did wonders for my confidence too.

I went through similar with my son some years ago now, other child had ADHD so the school refused to do anything. This child had be thrown out of 3 schools previous due to his behaviour of physical , verbal and also sexual assault On other kids but my sons school refused any consequences what so ever. It totally broke me to watch my son suffer how he did. I tried the head, teachers, assistants, senco, safeguarding and the governors and noone gave a shit. In the end I went to the police myself, and I also contacted childline as I was so desperate and out of options! They were actually my best option. I did an online form to them and they contacted me the same day and within 48 hours they had passed everything on to relevant people and social services called a meeting within the school with the head, police and someone from social. Turns out social was involved with the family massively, the mum had 2 younger kids and a premature baby and was drowning in her sons behaviour and couldn't cope but she was to scared to ask social for help with her ADHD son because of them already being involved with her. If you've not tried the governors I would attempt them first, local MP as well! Mine reached out to the school. And definetly keep every contact via email, the head at my sons old school denied numerous times things being reported and tried to down play how long it had gone on for and used the so called lack of reports on file as evidence that I hadn't reported anything yet I was there at least twice a week for almost a year reporting incidents!!!! I'm sorry your son is going through this x

@Ilikejamtarts you are amazing - thank you. Yes, I totally get what you mean - I think (going by what a friend mentioned) that one of the bullies has a difficult home life and is actually quite neglected. Actually, same goes for the other bully (from what I saw when the mum was f-ing and blinding in the shop at him and the lad looked around really embarrassed). This is what gets me though; the boys hurting my son have somewhat broken families and then they lash out at my boy who has done NOTHING at all to hurt them.

It's a good shout with the governors - I'm going to go to them next and I have emailed the Head today to let her know that I want this flagged to Ofsted now as well as obviously there is a bullying problem that isn't being controlled.

I'll also speak to Childline if I can, to see what I can do with my son 🙁

@heckmuffin that's what DH told our son - if he gets hurt, punch back. DH is the most laid back guy and yet he has had enough of our son coming home with bruises / cuts / being upset / the school calling to notify us of more incidents. He thinks that if DS pushes back then the bullies won't pick on him.

I was walking back home a while ago with DS and DS's friend and one of the bully's turned up and you could literally see him shrink into himself. He didn't say a word. That literally broke my heart and it took everything I had not to grab that child and tell him to leave my son alone.

Also I just spoke to another friend and she suggested potentially threatening the school with legal action.

You need to ask the school to see their safeguarding plan for your son, ask them to identify all of the risk management steps they have put in place, reminding them that these must not restrict your child’s normal school life. The thing that jumps out to me is that this repeated - so they know these boys target your son but haven’t taken steps that have prevented it reoccurring. I would absolutely contact the governors. If the school can’t provide a safeguarding plan for your son or a risk management plan that has been updated after every incident I’d also raise a safeguarding with your local children’s service saying that your son has been put at ongoing risk of harm due to ‘institutional neglect’ as the school have failed to take steps to ensure your son’s safety and well-being.

My DD was targeted at primary and we were way to reasonable, as a result we are now dealing with issues at secondary school - I wish we’d gone in harder sooner.