To be p*ssed off with friend?

[asSASSin8]

I had made plans to travel to see my friend. Originally, I was going to her as she said she didn't have money for travel (this is relevant).

I checked with her the day before that we were still on for meeting and she messages back "I completely forgot we made plans! I've made plans to go visit a friend. I feel bad now.".

I was a tad annoyed as we'd only made the plans that week, but never mind. I messaged back "No sweat. I'm glad I checked. Hope you have a great time.". This friend is now completely ignoring me. I have absolutely no clue why. I am really quite annoyed now.

Why do you assume she’s ignoring you?

You didn’t ask a question

Has this happened before or the first time she has let you down?

Yanbu to be annoyed but you don't know she ignoring you, she might be busy

Drop her and move on. She’s not a friend if she’s happy to be so flaky.

Good grief 🙄

I'd take it as a hint.

I’d be annoyed too.

But she’s not necessarily ignoring you for the sake of ignoring you, she may have been busy or just forgotten to reply.

I wouldn't go out of my way for her. I'd just include her in plans with other people so you're time isn't wasted if she flakes.

Oh the irony. Your post on a thread about cancelling plans.

7eleven · 10/04/2022 20:50
To be honest, I’m now ‘that’ friend. It’s because I feel crap all of the time and the lockdowns have made me a bit of a hermit. I know I’m hurting my friends. I have explained, but I just can’t help it.

She already had plans to visit a friend - you. I'd have to question where her priorities are as she obviously feels the other friend was more worthy of her time if she didn't even remember about you.

Sorry, I should've mentioned that I'd messaged her after the weekend to ask if she had a good time and did we want to re-arrange meeting up soon.

How long has she been your friend?

and has she ever been flakey in the past?

How do you know she's ignoring you? Some people don't reply straight away. But I'd be annoyed she made plans and forgot them like!

What strikes me about both your messages is that they're both all about her plans and her good times, and that you don't express any acknowledgement that you had made plans with her and are having any emotions whatsoever about her having forgotten them, and your second message hopes she enjoyed herself and asks yet again to meet! You say in your title that you are 'pissed off' with this friend -- so why not say so?

@DramatisPersonae , totally agree. If you don't pull her up on letting you down she's likely to keep doing this going forward because she thinks you're okay with it.

What she did was thoughtless at best, unkind at worse. In my experience she won't respect you if you don't set boundaries with her. She'll treat you like you treat yourself, as an option not a priority!

I doubt she's ignoring you, she might need to talk to someone else (a husband or partner or another friend) to see what their plans are before she replies.

People do forget things, it is still rude and rather than saying how bad she felt she should have said she was sorry for putting you out. Thank goodness you checked before turning up to find her gone.

Tbh I'd have said something.

I've just picked up on your point about not having money to see you, so you offered to travel to her, but she visited someone else. Are you saying she had money to travel to see her other friend?

If that's the case she's likely blown you off for a better offer. Not good. Is this really a friend?

She’s a flakey twat. Why are you even wanting to be friends with her. You can do SO much better.

@Kimchikitchen Not sure where this new trend of going through posters previous comments is coming from.

I find it rude and invasive

She’s a flake and a shitty friend.

YANBU to be pissed off but I would question whether some of that emotion is directed at yourself for your responses. I only ask because that's usually at the bottom of it for me in situations like this and it has helped me firm up some boundaries.

"I completely forgot we made plans! I've made plans to go visit a friend. I feel bad now."

A ''Oh no! What are you going to do?''
B ''That's a shame - I was looking forward to seeing you, but if you arranged with her/him first then we'll have to rearrange''
C "No sweat. I'm glad I checked. Hope you have a great time."
D ''That's a shame but not to worry - I can do x or y instead?''

Which feels the most authentic to how you were feeling?

Even if it was option C the ball was definitely in HER COURT to initiate the rearrangements after that. Things like this are opportunities to weed of fake/crap friends in my experience.

She has shown you she is flaky; prioritises other people over you; wants you to travel to her but she is happy to travel to other people; doesn't feel bad (slow to rearrange/reply to your text); put her feelings about the situation first (I feel bad - but no actual apology). Doesn't sound like a great friend?

You think it’s the sign of a good friend to stick to later plans (even if made in error) and renege on plans made? I don’t.

The polite thing to do would have been to cancel the second set of plans, no?

Well it could be one of 2 things. The first is that she is ghosting you. She didn't actually want to meet up with you. Reread your texts and if they go something like this that's what's happening....YOU...oh we must meet up HER - er yeah..(non committal) YOU How about X HER think I'm busy. I'll let you know (doesnt) YOU How sbout Y or Z? When are you free HER tbh I'm a bit broke stm YOU...no problem. I'll come to you. I can do next week or end of July HER ..erm not sure yet, we'll see YOU I've booked this week off. Really looking forward to it YOU I'll see you this week YOU. See you at noon on Saturday HER No! I'm er busy. Sorry forgot YOU oh OK. What about next weekend?HER silence
She doesn't want to spend that much time together.

Or...she's scatty and forgot. She's not ignoring you. She's just not continued a text chat that wasn't going anywhere.

Look back. Which fits?