Always something wrong

[FadBriend]

Name changed just in case.

I have a friend that I have known for years. On paper we have nothing in common but it always seemed to work.

Over the years there's always been some issue with something. We could never meet up without her moaning about something ( the kids dad's, her house, her parents, money, kids school...) but I've always listened, offered advice when asked for it and made sure she knows I'm there. Since I and my kids (now 4 & 6) I've become quite a bit less tolerant of this.

It's at a point now where I rarley even text as every reply is a list of what is wrong. I've avoided meeting up for a while now as I find it draining but now feel awful. I've had time off work recently buy didn't contact her.

She asks how I am and my kids/DH but I now feel like I can't say everything is good as I feel like I'm bragging and minimise the "good" life we have.

Have we just grown apart. She has others friends, with more in common and spends time with them but I feel like I've abandoned my oldest friend.

Not sure what my IABU is, just feel like a bot of a crap person and friend.

That sounds draining for you. She probably thinks of you as a safe space and trustworthy to be able to offload to you.
do you feel as though she’s being pessimistic or realistic?

Depends what she's saying is wrong. Some people are just intrinsic moans and they either don't realise or don't care how boring it is to listen to. They just have to moan.

I currently have a colleague like this...I avoid getting into conversation with her, particularly on a break, because she monopolises other people with negative vibes. She's never just 'fine', she's always ill or in pain in some way and there's always a story about some trivial crap she's pissed off about but no one else needs to hear.

She doesn't appear to have any self awareness.

Thanks for the replies.

Without going into too much detail there's several things that are down to bad decision making which is hard to watch. It might not sound like it but I love my friend dearly I just find it more & more draining.

I think I attract this type of person. I thought I'd made a new work friend but as soon as we started talking about things other than work ive become a sounding board about her divorce and house issues! SIL is similar.

I'm a nurse and spend much of my day with vulnerable people and people with lots of different difficulties, maybe I've got a little bit of empathy fatigue. I've made some new parent friends in the last couple of years and find it so relaxing with them. It's generally positive chat about holidays, how well the kids are doing, exciting work things etc. We've had days our, afternoons/evenings at people homes and it's so nice but then I feel guilty that it feels like hard work to see old friends.

I’m in the same position as you. One of my oldest friends, I think the older she’s getting the more negative she’s becoming.
I feel like I can’t say anything positive as she just says ‘ oh well lucky you, my DH wouldn’t’ or ‘ glad your work does that ‘ and then launches into a tirade of what’s wrong with them.
I feel really upset and I know she’s had an awful time over the past few years so I’ve just distanced myself somewhat. Less phone calls and longer to reply to texts.
shes one of my oldest friends though so I’m hoping we can navigate it. In your situation I don’t know that I’d try so much. You shouldn’t feel guilty though. Friendships aren’t always life long. Things move on and change and people change.

Oh sorry I reread and saw you’ve known each other for years she’s not a recent friend. It does make things harder as I am sure there are certain things you’d miss.

Could you shake up what you do with the old friends? Invite them over for bord games, a film, go rock climbing, whatever really, just make the circumstances more about doing something than an opportunity to talk?

You could try some last ditch efforts to change the subject by saying something like "gosh, all that sounds so draining. Now you've got it off your chest, let's talk about nice things to take our minds off the stresses of home and recharge our batteries." If they dont get it after a few times, phase them out. The penny might drop in time for them to work out that a balance is needed X

I have tried different things but, as it's me doing the organising and any driving it becomes draining. There's always a slightly non committal vibe as all sorts could happen. It sucks the fun out of things. To offer some balance, I will say that I do tend to over organise which I guess could be annoying to others.