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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it ever not problematic to use alcohol to cope with grief?

19 replies

quietlyberfeft · 12/07/2023 02:12

I lost my mother a few months ago after a very complex and harrowing time, and some days are just incredibly tough. I joined an online grief support group for people who have lost a parent to cancer, and have had three tries now - I absolutely hate it. Today I felt so panicky I just left the Zoom abruptly, I had an unbearable need to get away, however rude and disrespectful that was.

I can't share anything myself in the group, and I get overwhelmed listening to the others in pain. I genuinely feel like I have some form of PTSD at times.

But I don't really know how else to grapple with the grief. I am having grief counselling, one on one and that is helpful.

Anyway I made a G&T tonight and it's only Tuesday, just to numb the feeling of loss and despair and the overwhelming need for my mum to be alive again. I will have another G&T after this. I'm drinking 3 or 4 days a week, mostly at the weekends but then a couple of nights like this I crumble and have alcohol.

Very conscious alcohol is a big fucking problem I don't need. Is it already a serious problem if I'm using it in this way to manage pain?

I don't have any other ways of getting relief or a break from the pain, I can deal with it all for so long and then I just get really tired and want a break from it.

Can it ever be not problematic to use alcohol as a painkiller/ crutch like this?

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 12/07/2023 02:33

It's completely normal. If you're back in your ordinary routine and too drunk or hungover to do your job or the school run, etc, then it's a problem.

You do have to let yourself process the grief and the PTSD, as awful as that is. But you're also allowed some respite from it. Things like alcohol OR sedatives OR antidepressants are very usual 'helpers' with taking the load off for a few hours (any meds from doctor, of course). Very simple things like walks in nice places, exercise classes and silly movies also help.

It's a process, don't expect yourself to suddenly be over it. Do talk to your counsellor about drinking and other ways to give your head a break. Wishing you the very best Flowers

Brightandshining · 12/07/2023 04:06

When my dad dropped dead suddenly I got drunk every night for the first few months. I think this can often be a normal reaction.
At some point though you will have to try and scale it back again.
But this is early days for you and you should be kind to yourself. Grief is very hard and we get through it however we can. Drinking is not ideal but it's very understandable and a common thing people do in this situation. Just keep an eye on it because you do not want this to develop into an addiction
But from what you've described this sounds normal. It's only been a matter of months. This stage of grief is very hard.
For what it's worth I barely drink now days. The time after my dad's death did not turn me into an alcoholic even though I relied heavily on alcohol to help me cope at that time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Its so very hard I know. Be kind to yourself.

TheSandgroper · 12/07/2023 05:04

I used ice cream. A litre at a time.

bladebladebla1 · 12/07/2023 13:15

I did this after a miscarriage, for a few weeks every night. Then realised I was an idiot and stopped. It didn't help in the long run but didn't make it worse, just prolonged dealing with feelings

bladebladebla1 · 12/07/2023 13:15

Sorry for your loss

Supernova23 · 12/07/2023 13:19

I don't think what you are doing is excessive. I imagine far more people drink 3-4 times a week than they let on, and a couple of GnT's is not exactly wild. The key thing is that you are aware of it, which you are. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 12/07/2023 13:25

after my mum died at Xmas, I went the other way: I stopped drinking after my mum’s funeral and I think it’s helped me immeasurably. I was so distraught that I thought I’d fall into a pit of booze which was how I had coped with the preceding six months.

I also did everything I could to get enough sleep and ate properly, I think all of its helped.

Sorry for your loss. These are the worst days x

CalistoNoSolo · 12/07/2023 13:32

There are so many anti-alcohol pearl clutchers on MN that it gives a very skewed picture of alcohol consumption in the real world. Using a couple of shots of gin 4 or 5 nights a week for a few months is not going to turn you into an alcoholic. You're obviously in a lot of turmoil and pain and my heart goes out to you. Take it slow, things will get better, in the meantime, I'll be matching your g&t with a large glass of wine tonight x

Sapphire387 · 12/07/2023 13:59

My GP actually recommended it after a bereavement. Obviously not every day, but as occasional respite. He was very old school.

I think it's not a problem so long as you are mindful. If it becomes more and more. E.g. every day, or more than a couple of drinks, then it's time to cut back.

I am sorry for the loss of your mum.

NeedToChangeName · 12/07/2023 14:15

Obviously, it's not the best coping mechanism. Sleep, excercise and healthy diet would be better

But, I don’t think its a terrible idea, so long as you keep a careful eye on it

FuckTheLemonsandBail · 12/07/2023 14:21

Going against the grain, as someone who lost my mum fairly young (I was 22) to alcoholism after a very harrowing but short (two year) battle: yes, this is a problem, and although there's a possibility it will turn out okay in the long run, there's also the possibility of you developing a drinking problem and ending up in a far worse place than you are right now.

My own mum started drinking to cope with the grief of losing her father and within two years she was dead.

Grief is a long, long road: a few months in I was barely out of shock and it took until six months I'd say before I even started to properly grieve, then another two years until I started to feel anything close to normal and happy again. Everyone's journey through grief is different of course, but it's unlikely you will feel better a couple months from now, it might in fact get worse before it gets better, so what's the plan? To use alcohol to cope for potentially months of years? What about when you need more to feel the effects, and are hungover the next day?

For me, I found trying to avoid the pain was simply impossible so I found my own ways of coping with it: by actually embracing the grief, as weird as that sounds. Not being afraid of it. I would put on either my own music I listened to that made me feel less alone and spoke to what I was going through, or the music we shared together, and just lay in bed and let myself cry. Sometimes I would cry so hard I remember feeling as if my insides were going to fall out. And eventually, after however long it took, the tears dried up for a bit and I could get up, go make a drink, message a friend, do something else, until the next wave hit. I found by embracing it I actually felt relief because I felt closer to her, even though she was dead it made me feel like we were still connected somehow, like she existed. That raw, intense pain was almost refreshing in a way like jumping into a cold shower.

Getting out helped. Going for walks. Memories, looking at her photos and handwriting. Talking to loved ones who understood me and would listen and be empathetic. Ringing Samaritans to just talk about her. Focusing on doing other things even if I didn't feel like it like volunteering, going to work, hobbies, even if it was just going through the motions.

I think the very fact you're asking if it's a problem shows that you know it is: while that might be an amount and frequency of alcohol intake that resonates with others, using it as a tool to numb yourself becomes very seductive and hard to not keep returning to, especially if it works at the time, but this isn't a short term pain you're using it to cope with, it's a long term one that you must find ways to adjust to that won't ultimately make your life much worse.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I have so much empathy for you and I am deeply sorry you lost your mum. I hope that you find a way through it, but I can't sugarcoat that if drinking is the solution there's a possibility that you might be heading down a very difficult road. There are other ways to cope with grief. Manage your expectations, you're not going to be able to feel good just a few months after you've lost her. It's just about getting through the day. But alcohol is especially worrisome as it can start to feel like the easiest/only solution and then it becomes hard to not resort to it daily and so forth. Best wishes to you.

a1234567 · 12/07/2023 14:24

So sorry for you loss. I don't think what you have described in terms of your drinking pattern to deal with it is excessive by any means, and I think don' t be too hard on yourself at all. x

AncientBallerina · 12/07/2023 14:29

During a very bad period of my life my dr gave me a prescription for a very small number of Xanax for the days when I couldn’t stop crying and I needed to stop crying. I had to look after my family. I think a glass of wine or a g and t has a similar effect. Takes the edge off so that you can relax a bit and mind slightly less about what has happened. Agree with PP that a walk or time spent in nature can have a similar effect, but you’re not always able for that or near somewhere suitable. Forest bathing is amazing if you can find someone who does it near you, but that is probably for when things are less acute. You seem very aware of the risks of alcohol so, as a short term relief during a very difficult time I think it’s fine. Very sorry for your loss.

Superdupes · 12/07/2023 14:33

Stop the group OP, it's clearly not for you and there's nothing wrong with that. I agree with instead of fighting the grief why not give into it. Cry until you can't cry anymore/fall asleep and see it as an ok thing to do, part of the process. It might also be worth talking to your counsellor about different ways to cope. Alcohol doesn't have to be a problem at the amounts you're drinking - but it's certainly not the answer. You don't want it to gradually creep up and up without you really noticing. What about going on anti-d's from the doctor for a while instead? Be careful and take care of yourself x

PrincessHoneysuckle · 12/07/2023 14:38

When my gran died 10 years ago I had brandy in my morning tea and throughout the day

ButtercupCupcakes · 12/07/2023 15:35

Sorry to read about your Mum.

People cope in many ways with their grief.

I lost a child and find alcohol a great help. I can still get up in the morning, work and function 'normally.' I don't drink every day, but when I do I can easily down a bottle of wine.

If anyone were to raise their eyebrows or comment I would tell them where to go.

Just do whatever eases your pain.

LooseInTheCity · 12/07/2023 15:42

No judgement from me. Grief is unbearable at times and sometimes we just have to grasp on to whatever gets us through.

Be mindful, though. Alcohol is never anything more than the most temporary of solutions. I used wine to self medicate after a traumatic loss and it worked for several years. Then suddenly - boom! - alcohol was a bigger problem in my life than grief. It can creep up on you.

Im so sorry for your loss, btw Flowers.

Zoom support groups are a bit shit, aren’t they? I found being out in nature, meditation, yoga and lots of self care helped me through a lot when I put the drink down. Counselling too, but I had to have a bit of distance from my grief before that was something I could properly benefit from.

NotOvertheWorstofit · 14/07/2025 22:11

GarlicGrace · 12/07/2023 02:33

It's completely normal. If you're back in your ordinary routine and too drunk or hungover to do your job or the school run, etc, then it's a problem.

You do have to let yourself process the grief and the PTSD, as awful as that is. But you're also allowed some respite from it. Things like alcohol OR sedatives OR antidepressants are very usual 'helpers' with taking the load off for a few hours (any meds from doctor, of course). Very simple things like walks in nice places, exercise classes and silly movies also help.

It's a process, don't expect yourself to suddenly be over it. Do talk to your counsellor about drinking and other ways to give your head a break. Wishing you the very best Flowers

This is such a beautiful reply to OP. You are clearly a very emotionally intelligent person and you’ve helped me tonight after losing my Dad - thank you x

Labouraretwats · 14/07/2025 22:15

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