To be losing my mind…

[HalfwayToInsanity]

So maybe I just need a rant. Twenty-something mum of three. Two mid- primary school age kids, one toddler. Married (barely hanging on), working full time, part time further education (ha! - as if life wasn’t hard enough). I get up, battle with stubborn kids to get up and ready, wrangle them all into the car, drop the eldest two off across town to my parents, drop the baby at nursery and go to work. Work is a busy office which is horrifically understaffed, I’m being what feels like heavily micromanaged by my manager (no reason other than trying a new working style to account for said no staff) whereby they sit with me for the entire day and I spend the day feeling suffocated and stressed and like I can’t even get up to go to take a piss. I spend my lunch break going home to tidy up the house after the chaos of the morning then rush back to work. On the way home at night I pick up DCs then go home (this can take up to an hour depending on traffic) and then cook dinner. DH gets home about 7pm in a filthy mood because he works 72 hour weeks. DCs trash the house, we eat, I clean up, I do laundry, I bathe the kids, I get them in bed, DH complains the whole time wanting everyone to be in bed by 9pm so he can have uninterrupted sleep, I go back downstairs to finish the chores, sometimes attempt a bit of my studying, I shower, I get in bed. I lie in the darkness for hours unable to sleep, head spinning from the events of the day and anxiety through the roof. I get in a few hours sleep then wake up and the cycle starts all over again. DH works his arse off in a manual job- so I’m responsible for everything else. Housework, kids, bills, appointments, shopping, not to mention my own job. I’ve used no annual leave since December and can’t see me having the chance to book leave any time soon as work is chaos. I feel so drained and then I look at other women and feel like a failure because I’m losing my mind. Am I being a baby, and does every mother feel like this? Is there a trick to handling being a parent and running a house and working? Why do I see other people sailing through life with a smile on their face and I feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in every direction and like every person in my life wants a piece of me and there’s no part of me left for me? AIBU to feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown? Should I just shut up and get on with it and hope I don’t end up fully losing my shit?

Book some annual leave, although they can refuse particular dates at least get it all booked in to look forward to! Don't feel guilty about it.

You need to book leave immediately, for a time when you can get some rest. The chaos at work isn't your problem. You're entitled to your leave so use it.

I know logically I desperately need time away from work, but the thought of the amount of work I’d come back to puts me off

Your not going mad. Sounds very tough. I’m a mum of 3, did part time work and all the rest like you. Can you ask any family or friends to help? Can anyone give you some time to yourself? Try book some annual leave just so you have something to look forward too. Sounds like the other half also needs to time off or you two need some time together. If you don’t get some me time. Then yes life will implode and you will have a mini breakdown. Happened to me. Luckily family stepped in a bit just giving me a few hours off with them babysitting or play dates, sleepovers etc

I think a lot of women are feeling like this, it’s just some are better at hiding it then others!.
you sound like an incredible mother and I’m sorry that it’s all getting on top of you. I had 3 children by 25 and I remember the stress of it all when they were little and I didn’t even work full time! I promise you in a flash they’ll be older and more independent and it will be sooo much easier.
I would really recommend getting that annual leave. You need to do it for your children (who are your top priority!) because without a happy mum then who is going to take care of them.
have you got any family that might help in some way for a short while to take off some of the pressure. Even if it’s just someone who can do your laundry for you for a few weeks, anything just to ease it a little.

I would really think about changing to a job that you enjoy if you possibly can. Also, dp needs to be doing something. If he does weird shifts then maybe he needs to look for something different too. Book some leave and make a plan to make some changes because this does sound awful.

Definitely try to change jobs. Always take your annual leave.

It sounds really tough and I think it's the reality for a lot of women/families. In order to function as a two parent family you need a lot of support otherwise it's not feasible. There's just not enough hours inthe day to work full time, raise 3 kids and keep on top of a house. How is your relationship, ? If your dh is in a bad mood all the time it won't help.

Realistically can you afford a cleaner?
Do you want a different job?

I'd take a few days annual leave. Spend a day getting on top of house and the rest resting or doing something enjoyable.

I wouldn't go home to clean on lunch. I'd go for a walk, read, watch tv. Do something for you.

I think it's more of a case of when you will breakdown rather than if.
Sorry to say, but something has to give.

You will burn out if you carry on like this. You’re putting yourself under the most extreme amount of pressure and it doesn’t look like it’s sustainable.

I can totally relate to how you feel. I’ve got 3 young kids (including one with some SEN), work full time etc etc.

The key differentiator is that I have a live in nanny/housekeeper. I totally appreciate that this isn’t realistic for many people but what it’s highlighted to me is:

• One person (let’s face it, usually the Mum) cannot handle the mental load alone. Remembering who needs PE kit on which day, where last year’s wellies were put, if we need more milk from the supermarket… Your husband has to step up. Can you list out allllll the things that keep your family and house ticking over, group them into categories and try and divvy them up between you?
• You need time alone. Even if you can’t take annual leave, can you put on a podcast and go for a 20 minute walk as soon as the kids are in bed? Can you go and sit in a coffee shop in your lunch break, put in noise cancelling headphones and read a book for half an hour?
• You need time with your husband. If you can’t find a babysitter, can you take a day (or even a half day) of annual leave together and do something? Go to the cinema together in the middle of the afternoon, go for lunch. DH and I both love to play golf so once a month or so, take a day off together, go play golf and then have a long lunch together.
• Outsource what you can. Can you afford to get a cleaner in? Can the kids have school lunches rather than packed lunches etc?

This. Look after yourself or you will make yourself ill. Take some leave from work, you are entitled to this and if not go to see your GP explain what you have said in the OP particularly about not sleeping and work stress and get signed off before you have a breakdown. Use the time to rest and regroup and to think about what you want for yourself. You cannot it all.

I need a holiday after picturing a day in your life. First thing to do is find one job that you stop doing. Let the house stay mildly trashed just do a bit less.
Take a sick day. Have a break and get ontop of some of your to do list.
Start looking for another job. Don’t tell DH, just find something that is four days a week. Use the day off to study. Get that course over with so you can find a job you will love.

Im just going to preempt your reply.
DH will get upset if the house isn’t spotless.
So? He isn’t happy with anything anyway.

I can’t afford to work four days.
You will find away. You can’t keep going like you are.

Most parents feel stressed, but you can’t do everything and work full time. You need to find a way to free up a bit of time.

Sounds like me ten years ago BOOK your annual leave now book it or lose it! You need some reflection can’t you reduce work hours?

I really feel for you op I have been there xx

Don't be a martyr and take some annual leave. Work is work and will be there when you come back.