To want DH to earn more money?

[SmellsLikeTeenSpirits]

DH and I are both early 50s with 2 teenage kids and a chunky mortgage. Both our kids have neurodiversity related SENCO needs and are - as a result of joint decision- at private school.

I have worked my bum off to increase my earning capacity over past 7 years to contribute to these big expenses. Pre-covid DH decided to go freelance and was earning c. 50% of what I earned. Covid was tricky times. But now it’s mid-2023 and he is earning half of what he was pre-covid and 16% of what I earn. And is always stressing about money and complaining.

I want to suggest that he get a job as I know he could earn at least double
what he’s on. He’s really good at what he does. But he likes the freedom of being his own boss. And I think he will get defensive if I bring it up. But I’m bloody knackered and starting to feel a bit resentful.

AIBU to raise it with him? And if you don’t think so - how would you approach?

I would be very very resentful. I know one of the advantages of being freelance is the freedom but if you could earn more working for someone else and you are part of a family then you should, in my opinion.

He should be thanking you for enabling him to have such a cushy time o things, not complaining!

I want to suggest that he get a job as I know he could earn at least double
what he’s on. He’s really good at what he does. But he likes the freedom of being his own boss. And I think he will get defensive if I bring it up.

He can like the freedom all he wants, freedom doesn't pay the bills (or the school fees). I'd go ballistic, but maybe that's not the best way to go.

This could be seen as petty, but if he only earns 16% of what you do, how about you only putting 16% of your earnings in the pot for a while. See how he likes it then on so little.

He's heading for cocklodger territory if he wants a good standard of living but won't do anything to bring it about. And is his 'business' by any chance just an opportunity to indulge his hobby and pretend he's working? It often is in cases like this.

YANBU (ish) to want him to earn more money in the circumstances, but YABVU to ask him to get a job if he wants to be freelance. In my (admittedly specific) experience, working for someone else can be utterly awful and ruin your life, and being freelance is the utopian dream I would never give up.

Work out your incomes and expenses together. Trim expenses. I'd always encourage someone to increase their freelance earnings, rather than go FTE, unless it's an absolute dire emergency. If you coerce him into getting a job, and he really doesn't want to, he'll just end up hating you.

On the fence with this one.
DH earns a fraction of what I earn, but he picks up a lot of slack with the kids, housework, car repairs etc.. he could earn a LOT more, but he likes his job, the people he works with and the hours are good.

He could go self employed again and be a real high earner, but that doesn't make him happy.

On the other hand, I have a small business which is thriving and I work full time in a local government role too (from home) so it all fits together nicely.
I dont begrudge DH being happy in his work even if it means he doesn't meet his full earning potential.

yanbu but you are in the sense that you send your kids to private school adding to the financial burden when there are some really good state sen schools?! So if he did what you wanted he would be earning 32% of what you even earn?

It must be frustrating op but I’d rather take the private school pressure off and tell him that you need him to either expand his self employment or to go back to his previous earning potential employed.

But he's not really living that dream if she has to subsidise him, is he? It seems very unfair for him to be able to live this utopian existence off the back of her job, where she doesn't get the same freedom, etc. Surely at a certain point the fact that he wants to work like that is irrelevant, if he can't actually make it work.

What have your earnings been like over the course of your marriage though?
Has he always earned less even when you had the children or have you only just overtaken his salary in the last 7 years?

Personally in my early 50s I would want to be stepping back a bit too. Freelance and being your own boss sounds much better.

Are you struggling to afford things?

You’re in your 50s and still have children in school. If they have sen needs then why aren’t they going to a special needs school paid for by the local authority? We have several asd friendly independent schools of private school quality within a 30 mile radius. Asd schools are a plenty so I don’t understand why you need to (at your age) overwork yourselves to pay for private school. In the past you would have been retired or nearing retirement age. The amount of men I know who’ve worked tirelessly in stressful jobs then dropped dead of a heart attack due to the stress in their 50’s, I’m not sure pressuring yourselves with all these financial burdens will truly make you happy.
You need to think rationally about what it is that you truly need and downsize your lives, not start ramping it up in your 50’s.

My salary has always been higher but I don’t have an issue with that. It’s more that he now earns less than he did when we were first together in our early 30s and there’s been no discussion about it. So I suddenly find myself in the position of needing to earn what I earn to cover the mortgage, bills and school fees. DH salary would cover food and car payments. But the decisions to move house (5 years ago) and put the kids through private school (sadly no good senco school in catchment - nearest one out of catchment and hugely oversubscribed) were joint and based on our earnings at the time. Now his earnings are less than half what they were and he works long hours so I am left with meals, homework etc. I want him to be happy. But I feel stressed and feel it’s unfair of him to have made a unilateral decision to earn less?

On the face of things it seems reasonable to request he brings in more money and if being employed does that, that's one avenue to pursue however.....what was the agreement when he went freelance? I'm presuming there was a discussion about it. When did you both decide to send your children to private school? What was the plan for paying?
If he anticipated earning more money by now, but Covid put the breaks on things then it's possible his earning power will increase soon. How likely is this? If it's the general COL increases that are making things a strain then as a couple you need to decide how long you can sustain this.
I wouldn't be 'insisting' he gets a job now however I would want a timeliness to review eg if we're still in this situation at Xmas you're gonna need to get a job. I'd also be insisting that in the meantime he takes on the lion's share of family workload, so meals, shopping, housework, children etc if you're working more hours in a stressful job and cuts back on personal spends.
Just a thought, is there possibility of part time work with some freelance as a compromise?

Well he needs that firm but calm discussion, try and get him excited at more possibilities for you both if he earnt more! I would just start with “well now covids long gone!” How awfully stressful for you op do you ever tell him directly how much this financial burden actually stresses you out?

If not that would be a good place to start I’d tell him your worried you may have to sign off sick for a while so he’d need to pick up the pace! Little white lies don’t hurt but him hearing your stresses I doubt it would even come to that tbh!

He would probably feel incredibly guilty I’d hope.

We are 51 and have teenagers - don’t think it’s hugely unusual? There is very limited state SEN provision where we are and it is not accessible to us. I enjoy my job and don’t feel overworked. It is not work that is causing me stress. Also ‘at your age’ 😆 - I know I’m technically in the ‘saga’ demographic but I’m not ready for my
blue rinse just yet.

Jesus fucking Christ. She’s only 51.

“In the past you’d have been retired…” what are you on?

How old are you that you think warning a financially successful and understandably resentful at her lazy husband poster she may be about to drop dead of a heart attack for overdoing it, is appropriate?!

He works longer hours than you to earn a fraction of your salary?

That doesn’t make sense. He needs to look at doing something else or even being a SAHD to cover all the non paid work, kids, household etc

You made joint decisions yet he doesn’t even seem to be trying to meet you halfway in funding them.

of course you’ll be told that you should care more about his happiness, yet who is caring about yours? Why should you worry about him resenting you when the thought of you resenting him isn’t troubling him?

Do you actually genuinely need him to earn more money, because your expenses are higher than your income?

Do you just want him to, because you're burnt out and you want to work less?

Or do you want him to because you feel it's unfair that you're burnt out, and you want him to burn out too?

Good question. I am not burnt out. And I definitely don’t want him to feel burnt out. Our expenses are currently slightly under our incomes. I would like to be able to put some money away and to go on holidays. Which is a luxury I know. I think there is a bit of resentment and stress because I feel everything is on me. And then some more petty resentment that he will spend money on hobby accessories/ trips etc when he technically isn’t contributing enough to even cover half the mortgage and then get stressed when we are close to being overdrawn. But hasn’t talked about the big reduction in his earnings and the impact of that.

How much pressure would it take off you if he got a job and earned 32% of your salary instead of 16%?

I mean you have an almost £200k household income and you have no savings and are becoming overdrawn? Time to massively look at your finances!

Ok, it sounds more like you are bothered by him earning less without discussion but still taking “fun” money without thinking of the repercussions, and also he’s complaining about finances but not stepping up himself?

Id say it’s time to sit down and look at incoming and outgoing money, and perhaps draw some set financial limits for spending. E.g all money goes in the joint pot and there is enough for you both to get £200 fun spends a month back out of it. See if there are areas where cutbacks can be made. Maybe if he sees in black and white how little he contributes and how much he takes by comparison it will make him rethink.

I’d love to read the reaction of a man posted this comment about a stay at home mum. Unbelievable.