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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anyone elses preteens just pushing every boundary right now?

12 replies

SheWantsToDoNothing · 11/07/2023 20:21

DD aged 9, Y4.

Doesn’t want to walk to school which is 200m from our front door and theres no point driving. She then doesn’t want to walk home from school and cries and sits on the floor

Doesn’t want to do their homework which is literally spelling and times table practise and not much else then complains when she gets 0/10 on them, she literally has an app to do both on provided by school.

She doesn’t want to do her out of school activities that she chose but doesn’t want me to stop paying – she chose to do Brownies and singing lessons. She doesn’t want to not go though. She won’t walk to the singing teachers house at the end of our road (closer than school) or to get in the car to go to Brownies but is fine at both once there and always comes out happy.

She wants to go on pack holiday for a week at October half term but doesn’t want to help them fundraise the money they need to get themselves – some of the girls are doing bag packing in the local Morrisons, others are helping their neighbours with walking dogs or feeding pets over the summer. They have to fundraise to go, then the parents pay the remaining money after the fundraising has been completed, if it is all completely raised by funds then parents just donate bits of food (if they want). But DD is refusing to fundraise, but still thinks she should be able to go.

She doesn’t want to go to the holiday club she chose. I’ve offered alternatives but she keeps saying she doesn’t want to go and wants to stay at home. She needs to go twice a week for all 6 weeks, the other days will be a mixture of days out she’s helped me pick and we can do the fundraising for Brownies - her great grandparents have said if she pops in each week for the entire holidays and helps them with their pets or small jobs around the house like putting their washing on the line etc, they’ll give her all of the amount to cover her place, plus our neighbours will give her £2-3 if she helps with getting stuff in from the car to their house or similar – literally Brownies are not expecting the girls to go out and get jobs or do anything beyond their skill set/age or she could earn it through pocket money from me was another suggestion by Brown Owl, basically they want the girls to “earn” it themselves. But it’s met with arguing and telling me she’s going whether she raises the money or not.

She doesn't want to go to bed at 8pm, thats ever so early (about on par with her classmates from talking to the other mums there, they go to bed between 7.30 and 8.30pm depending on activities). Then she doesn't want to get up the next morning.

I am tired from constant arguments. Her constantly telling me to just give her the money and she’ll say she helped her grandparents. She tells me that she will refuse to go to holiday club or make herself sick so she can stay home. When I tell her I have to work so she’ll have to go to my mums/great grannys for the day and will lose a day out if she deliberately makes herself ill so I lose money paid for holiday club she just grunts and says lifes not fair. I know she’ll be fine once she gets to holiday club like she has been each of the last 4 summers she’s been (not all this one, she chooses which she wants to do and when, and I book it so she can say to her friends “I’m going on this day to here” and they can arrange to be there to, and they will be)

Behaviour at school is brilliant, her dad has no issues with her when she goes there once a month, Brownies adore her, her singing teacher keeps saying she’s ready for the next grade exam (another thing she doesn’t want to do) so I don’t feel I can complain. But I am so tired of it.

Anyone else? Is it just end of academic year fatigue? Preteens in general? Puberty?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2023 20:30

But it’s met with arguing and telling me she’s going whether she raises the money or not.

I think this is a parenting style issue. No arguing, just boundaries and empathy.

"I'm going and I don't want to do the work"

Sorry it's a lot of work, that is hard. You're choosing not to do it so you want go.

"I WANT TO GO"

Choose to do the work then.

You should use fewer and fewer words every time. You're sympathetic but she has to choose her own adventure.

Pay and go or don't go and you won't pay. And so on.

Boundaries, enforced with no discussion. No anger, arguing or compromise. Just do what you say you will do.

Iammetoday · 11/07/2023 20:38

Op I have a y4 dd age 9. No advice but solidarity! Doesn't want to litter pick for cubs but wants to do the fun bits. Not confident or very secure with her maths but says homework is too easy/ doesn't want to do it. The walking to school bit is the same here too. It's a difficult age.

Angel at school!

6 weeks holiday here we come!!!!

Nordicrain · 11/07/2023 20:44

Dd9 just threw a massive strop because she couldn’t have a chocolate milk before bed, despite it being half an hour after her bedtime already. She’s not even angry about not not having the chocolate milk, she is angry because if she has it tomorrow it means her brother will get one too 🙄

I reckon it’s been a long school year and they are all feeling it. That and maybe early hormones!

NameChange245 · 11/07/2023 21:07

I have a 9 yr old in yr 4.

This is not a stealth boast (as I have an 11 yr old who is not like this!!) but he is normally a model child. Teacher's pet, always good, always well behaved at home. Pretty chill. Kind of a model kid.

However .... even my normally v good DS is a right pain (at home) at the moment! Stubborn, not listening, cheeky!! I think it's normal! ....

goodkidsmaadhouse · 11/07/2023 21:43

9yo DD here. She’s absolutely brilliant about most things and extremely helpful at home but there’s definitely a lot more attitude lately. Only at home, she’s an angel everywhere else - I think that is very normal and good that we are their safe place to unload!

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 11/07/2023 21:45

Does your dd have a phone by any chance?

teachername · 11/07/2023 21:57

How do you enforce behaviour expectation now? If she refuses to walk to school what happens?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 11/07/2023 22:06

It's the end of term, they are very tired, they've just had things like transition day and yr 5 seems like a big scary jump.

My 9yo is on edge at the moment. Also going to Brownies camp soon and both excited and scared about it, hers is 3 nights away which seems like a big leap, the last residential thing she did was yr 3 which was just 1 night.

But mainly they're just knackered and ready for the summer holidays and a bit of a break from school.

0021andabit · 11/07/2023 22:18

I think it’s normal: they’re knackered from
the end of term, unsettled by the end of year transition, their hormones are coming into play & there’s also that shift from not being a little kid anymore but not a teenager yet either… My DD definitely went through a similar phase at that kind of age, she’s a couple of years older now & an absolute delight (at least until the teenage years really hit!!) I know it’s knackering but I think it’s also healthy & positive that she’s pushing boundaries with you rather than in school. Hang in there, it’ll pass!

AcidTest · 11/07/2023 22:18

It might be end-of-term-itis. My 9 year has definitely been more tearful/dramatic recently. She probably just needs a break.

wizzbitt · 11/07/2023 22:43

Total solidarity here! I also have Year 4 DC.

The following is a WhatsApp message from DP yesterday morning after a particularly fraught evening with DS. He was checking in to see how school drop off was.

"Is it really normal at his age? That level of moodiness?"

I really hope so. And I hope it's short lived too.

Is it too late for 🍷?

babbscrabbs · 11/07/2023 22:49

She's only 9, she is probably knackered this time of year and the thought of doing more stuff is exhausting. This time of year is hectic.

I personally would drop talking about the brownies stuff for a month.

And I'd try to have a few really quiet weekends where she can chill out and you can have quiet chilled time together.

She's allowed to express her feelings. You're allowed boundaries over making commitments and standing firm on rules.

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