to think single SIL should but out of her siblings marriages and families life?

[newbru]

My sister in law is in her early 40's and single as she has been most of her adult life. She is attractive and has lots of friends but has never had a relationship work out long term. I do generally feel she is fine being single although she was very upset when her last boyfriend broke up with her.

The issue is that she does end up getting overly invested in other peoples relationships especially that of her siblings. It is obvious she has opinions about how other people do things and she often can't seem to help herself in saying what she thinks even at a family gathering in front of other people. Stuff that is really none of her business in regards to how her brothers and their wives raise their kids, split household chores or their financial arrangements.

She made some comment to about my and her brothers financial arrangements at a family dinner last week and I had to bite my tongue not to say something like "if you could hold on to a relationship for more than 5 minutes maybe you wouldn't have so much time to worry about what other couples do". Obviously I would never say that, it would be a horrible thing to say but it does really annoy men. I can see her sharing her opinion in a private conversation where you were talking to her about something but to just pipe up with her judgements about your marriage unasked in pretty unacceptable in my opinion. She does it to her other brothers and their wives as well and even if she has a point its literally none of her business.

I don't really know how to deal with it, I've tried talking to her in the past but she says she is just a tell it like it is person. I do think she is overly invested in her siblings marriages and families because that is something she wants for herself and she is often at a loose end and dropping in which is fine but she doesn't know when to back off or not stick her oar in. I am actually fairly laid back but one of my sister in laws is a lot more reactive and there have been several fallings out over this.

I am being unreasonable to think my single sister in law should butt out of other peoples relationships?

Well yes, of course she should. But only you know if shes coming from a nasty place with it, or whether you should continue to give her the benefit of the doubt with it. If I genuinely thought she wasn't doing it to be hurtful, or if I thought she was genuinely insecure about her own position, then I'd keep schtum myself and just pity her from afar.

If i really thought she was just being mean, I would take her to one side and just say "while I'm sure you're just trying to be helpful - and you're even sometimes right - I really don't like how you comment on our relationship, so please don't do it in future."

If she does it again after that, I think it's fair enough to say your nasty comment.

BUT, I would have to be sure she was commenting from a place of nastiness before I threw a handgrenade into the family relationships.

What was the comment about the financial statement?

@Dacadactyl I don't think she is trying to be nasty as such but she is definitely attempting to stir up shit. She likes to create a bit of drama and isn't above trying pit one spouse against the other so she can take her siblings side and make it them against the "outsider". This hasn't really happened between me and my husband but she has stirred up stuff between the other two brothers and their wives. I don't think its deliberately nasty just her way to get attention or create drama.

That I have a cushy life while DP pays all the bills, which isn't true at all as she doesn't have all the details on our financial situation, what I earn part time vs what DH earns full time. I've learned over the years not to share too much with her.

@newbru just rise above it. Don't let her get between you and your DH by causing drama. Let her comment away, safe in the knowledge she's just jealous she doesn't have what you do.

Perhaps, I often think she isn't really conscious of why she does these things or that she does it at all. I also think she would say she is perfectly happy single and possibly is most of the time. I do rise above it but I also get very fed up with her behaviour.

I would laugh it off and tell her she needs a new hobby then move the conversation on!

If she continues after that then simply state private childcare is x amount per hour so if she wishes she can pay it for you to go full time....

I think you just continue as you are doing. If she is trying to get between you and your husband, then her brother should tell her clearly to back off. Same if she comments on your marriage, children etc. She will get the message soon enough.

Why not just call her out in a semi joking way right when she's says it... And then change the subject quickly

Her: "Newbr has such a cushy life and lets DH pay for everything"

You: "Bit rude, that! Hey, MIL would you please pass the bean dip?"

A mumsnetty 'did you mean to be so rude?' seems applicable here.

How does your DH deal with it?

How fucking dare you would be the first words out of my mouth.
I am honestly a really nice person who gets on with everyone but I am honestly gobsmacked when I read the shit some of you put up with from your relatives and friends just to avoid a big fallout.
Tell 'em to fuck off.

She should not say things like that, however there's a chance she's starting to get worried about a future with no support and is not coping. I remember when I was TOTALLY HAPPY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH being single. There was an occasion where my now sil was going somewhere that I went regularly and there was all kinds of chat about whether she'd be safe and contingencies if she was worried. I did feel sad and very alone because it was something I did regularly with nobody really to know or care what happened.

Finances can be scary and I think she probably wishes she had someone to depend on.

"Why would you think this is any of your concern? Anyway, could someone pass the wine?"

You're a much more tolerant person than I am, op. I wouldn't put up with her shit.

Well, for your part you've certainly made up your kind about her and her life so.....

I don't think it's particularly relevant that she's single - it sounds like it's more her personality than her circumstances, surely what she's doing would be as annoying if she were in a couple? So feel free to tell her to shut up, and be blunt if you need to, but no reason to insult her based on her relationship status, as it's largely irrelevant - you're saying 'if she was in a relationship maybe she'd have less time to worry about what other people do' but the same would apply if she had a really intense, consuming job or loads of hobbies or was seriously ill anything else - it's not having too much time on her hands that's making her annoying, it's getting involved in things that are none of her business, so just tell her that 'Look DSIL our personal finances are nothing to do with you, I wouldn't dream of telling you how to sort your bills/how to clean your house and I can't imagine you'd be impressed if I did, so give us the same respect.'

Well if she describes herself as a "tell it like it is" person and expects people to accept her commenting on their lives, I would treat her the same and tell her to fuck off being rude and get her own life so she doesn't have to interfere in others. Don't get into a discussion about why she's wrong about her particular opinion, just shut her down.

IME, people that "tell it like it is" don't like to be told how it actually is.

Those are my private opinions, which I am entitled to and not what I go blurting out about her in social situations in front of her family. Also the above is giving her the benefit of the doubt because the alternative is that she knows exactly what she is doing and is just a nasty bitter individual looking to cause trouble.

Perhaps you are right but she does keep busy with various friends and hobbies and if she isn't busy she drops in on family. It is more like the relationships and family life of her brothers and their wives and her friends to some extent seem to preoccupy her more than is normal. I could be wrong but I do think that she lives vicariously through other peoples lives in this one area to some extent.

Well that is quite true in her case, I don't enjoy having to speak to her about stuff like this because she does go in a huff, hold a grudge and so on. She can also be really great too so it's not like I can't stand her most of the time I get on fine with her and enjoy her company.

Can we assume your DH immediately corrected her and told her not make stupid comments like that, given it’s his sister?

Anything else would be a bit shit of him.

@StephanieSuperpowers Perhaps there is some truth to that. I know she does want a partner and I want that for her too and she has been messed about by men in the past which has rather taken the joy out of dating for her.

She is an independent person but she also can rely on all of us, she'd never be left with no back up plan for getting home safely for example. I do get the finance side of things though. Its already been discussed that she will buy her parents home when they are gone at lower than market value as she does want a house with a garden but can't afford to buy on her own. That means her brothers would lose out but they all want her to be happy and have security.

He would have but he wasn't actually there when it was said he was outside playing football with the kids.

To that I would have replied 'Awwww bless....thats what you 'actually' think our situation is' then if she asks you can reply 'i prefer not to discuss our financial details thank you' :)