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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have mil to stay?

11 replies

mummaHE03 · 11/07/2023 18:32

My MIL lives abroad and comes over about twice a year, we get on quite well there’s no bad blood between any of us and we speak on the phone often she has 5 kids including DH that all have homes of their own and none of them will have her to stay even though they have spare rooms. when we moved into this house a little over a year ago when we had a spare room ( now my 6mo room) so when she came back after my DS was born 6moths ago we let her stay a couple of nights in the spare room, she was out a lot of the time but wasn’t really a problem then as we were so focused on DS and I can see why you wouldn’t necessarily want to hang around with a baby who only wakes up for feeds and tired parents who can barely hold a conversation lol. However she came back to visit when DS was 3mo, he still didn’t sleep in his room so when she asked to stay 3 nights to ‘spend more time with her grandson’ we happily agreed. But the whole time she was there I felt as though she used us like a B&B. She was out most the time shopping when she was here she was on her phone or tablet ignoring us and she barely acknowledged my DS the first day she was here, we went to her parents my partners grandparents the next day and she was so polite there cleaning up after herself, having conversations with us I know it’s her parents but we are family too I though she might just be nervous the first day because she hadn’t visited in a While I was sure when we got back to ours she would start to make an effort but she ignored us on her phone again when we got back. I went to do some housework as if I stop it stops and she started complaining that I wasn’t there and asking my partner why I wasn’t spending time with them the morning of her departure day was the most time the spent with him taking photos of him to put on her social media. We said our goodbyes she thanked us for having her and my partner drove her to the airport. Which is a 3 hour round trip when my DH got home I was still cleaning and tidying as well as looking after DS he asked my why there was so much to do and I said that when I’m the only one who does the housework but I’m not able to it will get messy especially when there’s an extra person to clean up after we talked about her stay and DH was annoyed she hadn’t spent much time with him or DS and he said that closer to her next visit we would have to think about where she would be staying as we don’t really have the space and it’s not fair on me to have so much to do Now my son as previously mentioned is 6months he’s in his own room and we no longer have a spare room, MIL is coming back in October so he’ll be 10mo then and wants to stay the Friday to the Monday my partner immediately agreed so when the call was over I asked where she was going to stay she said in DS room next to his cot I said that a boy with a 8pm bedtime and can’t share a room with someone who wants to be up late as she will wake him up it’s inevitable (not her fault we live in an old house creaky floors etc and DS is a light sleeper l) . He said she can sleep in the living room i said actually after last time I didn’t think that would be a good idea with an airbed in the living room it would be unusable and that’s where we spend our time when at home she stayed with us when we had the room for her to and now we don’t she’ll have to stay with someone else if she doesn’t want to get a travel lodge, none of DH siblings will have her because she just used them as hotels when she stayed and they all have families of their own. My partner wasn’t happy so I looked for what I thought was a good solution and that was to book a lodge somewhere for 3 nights for MIL, DH, DS & I and that I would pay for it out of my own pocket so he didn’t have to contribute anything. I explained that it would mean we all had the space to relax and privacy that we needed and that there would be less for me to do when we were off as we could go and do new things in the area together as a family. He declined. AIBU to not want her to stay. It would be a different story if we had the space.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 11/07/2023 18:39

Well, you have now learned what the others in the family knew before. She is a user and they won't let her stay. I would do the same. She can stay with her parents.

HanSB · 11/07/2023 18:47

One of her other children can take their turn in having her stay. Why are you the only one that does the housework? What about your husband? He doesn't sound reasonable at all. He can do all the housework whilst she is there.

TheCatterall · 11/07/2023 19:08

@mummaHE03 - Use the money and book yourself into a hotel. Tell DH to take time off work to spend with his mother and child. Remind DH it willneed to be clean before you come home. Skip off into the sunset.

mummaHE03 · 11/07/2023 19:13

@HanSB It’s always been that way, he doesn’t see clean and tidy as a matter of urgency I do so while he would get round to stuff eventually I can’t leave it that long or I’ll go insane it’s like he doesn’t see the mess until it effects him

OP posts:
mummaHE03 · 11/07/2023 19:14

I’d love to do that but DH Wouldn’t get round to cleaning so I’d come back to more mess than I would have got if I stayed at home and I am the ‘default parent’ if you will so I can’t imagine that going very well either 🥴

OP posts:
jannier · 11/07/2023 19:15

I have to ask why are you the only one doing the tidying up does he not help?

mummaHE03 · 11/07/2023 19:19

I work less than him especially at the moment as I’m on maternity leave but I always have workers less hours than him so it’s always been my sort of ‘job’ if you will. If I ask for help he’ll get round to it eventually, but I thrive on clean and tidy or as clean and tidy as I can be and DH doesn’t really care/ notice until it’s a state

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 22:12

Your husbands attitude towards your well-being concerns me a lot more than the MIL.

  1. You're the only one who does housework? Why? You have a baby to take care of!
  1. He wants her to stay but does none of the laundry cleanup etc necessary?
  1. His siblings respect boundaries to protect their nuclear families and home but he can't.

Would he still want her to stay if he was going to do all the cooking and cleaning for her?

I'd be tempted to take myself off for a spa weekend while she's there (if you can stand to leave baby for a couple nights) and tell him
You expect to come back to a spotless home

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 22:13

mummaHE03 · 11/07/2023 19:14

I’d love to do that but DH Wouldn’t get round to cleaning so I’d come back to more mess than I would have got if I stayed at home and I am the ‘default parent’ if you will so I can’t imagine that going very well either 🥴

But if it goes badly that's ideal- it should teach him to finally appreciate all that invisible work that you do and realise how hard it is and that he should help!

jannier · 12/07/2023 07:09

mummaHE03 · 11/07/2023 19:19

I work less than him especially at the moment as I’m on maternity leave but I always have workers less hours than him so it’s always been my sort of ‘job’ if you will. If I ask for help he’ll get round to it eventually, but I thrive on clean and tidy or as clean and tidy as I can be and DH doesn’t really care/ notice until it’s a state

So many fall into this trap then end up full time work, full time baby and all housework being on maternity leave isn't his get out of adulting free card caring for a baby is hard he should help when he can so you both get down time....of course he doesn't see the mess if he's blind he knows you will do it.

ChubbyMorticia · 12/07/2023 07:19

“There’s a reason your siblings don’t have your mother stay with them: she’s a terrible guest. I’ve got enough to do, taking care of our baby and house, without adding your mother in top.”

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