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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overthinking this?

12 replies

Wtsthepoint · 11/07/2023 17:36

My 10yr old daughter had an appointment at the hospital to get her bloods taken (feeling faint, passing out). I wanted to be present for her as she was scared so asked mil to watch my 2yr old while we went in. She initially said yes but the day before, she changed her plans and wanted to drive us there so she could drive us straight back home (I didn't want a lift, I'd already planned out buses ect. And wanted to take my daughter shopping for some birthday presents as it's her birthday soon.
Bearing in mind we never get to spend time together without my other children. but was fine with taking my 2yr old shopping with us after the appointment.
When mil changed her mind and wanted to come with us I said that it was to be just me and dd and to leave 2yr old with me after the appointment. She then just stopped replying to my messages, I waited an hour after explaining that we (dd and me) never do anything like this together n just didn't want to take 2 Yr old to the hospital as he would be into everything and make it difficult for dd.
I was feeling shitty that she'd just left me on read like that so said just to leave it n that I'd take 2yr old n thanked her for offering to have him.
I took him, had to hold my dds hand with one hand while she cried with my 2yr old in my other arm. It was stressful but it was done. We then went for some lunch and did some shopping which was lovely.

However I've still had no reply from her and feel royally pissed off that she'd be like this with me, I don't think I was out of order for asking her to look after her grandchild for an hour so I could do this.
I wish I could just stop thinking about it. I find it incredibly rude of her to ignore me, I get she may have felt annoyed I didn't want her to come along. I'm not usually assertive but my dd really needed the quality time with me so I stood my ground n said no.

Wabu? Should I have put her feelings over my dds? Should I tell her to go fuck herself n not ask for help again?

I'm currently under investigation for pretty high blood pressure at the moment, I'm struggling to stay calm but I'm so pissed off about this.

Also just to add, my dd is not blood related to mil, I feel that is the reason she couldn't care less about her feelings or struggles with getting her blood taken.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wtsthepoint · 11/07/2023 17:42

Must add, i asked her a week ago to watch 2yr old when she said yes.
She messaged changing her mind on Sunday, the appointment was Monday morning (yesterday)

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/07/2023 17:48

Is she usually unreliable and unkind?

What does her son have to say about her?

Zarataralara · 11/07/2023 17:53

Sounds like she’s plain unreliable, maybe finds the care of a two year old too challenging so backs out. Frustrating, as a granny I can’t understand it.

Stratocumulus · 11/07/2023 17:55

You are not being unreasonable.

The hospital scenario must have been very stressful and seeing your DD upset would be crucifying. Nevertheless, you rescued the situation and are a great mum to realise that one-2 -one mother & daughter time is so precious. Im glad you had a good time in the end and made some happy memories.

As for your unreliable mother in law, you clearly can’t turn to her for support so I’d emotionally kick her into touch and avoid having to ask her for anything in future. No need to declare it, just quietly step back from even thinking of her as a back stop ever again. Get a contingency plan in place with a friend(s) if you can and distance yourself from MIL. She’s nailed her colours to the mast. Just don’t go there.

DogInATent · 11/07/2023 17:56

She then just stopped replying to my messages
Was all of this done via message, or did you talk to each other at any point?
Relying on text messages always risks things being over-thought at both ends.

Original poster
Wtsthepoint · 11/07/2023 18:01

She can be both reliable and unreliable and kind and unkind.

Her son (my partner) thinks she's just pissed off that I didn't want her to come with us n is ignoring me as a punishment.

I know he can be a handful but I only asked for an hour, he's the sweetest little munchkin and wouldn't have been too much hard work :(

I'm usually a people pleaser and maybe in the past would've gone along with it but at the expense of quality time with my dd who barely ever gets one on one time with me. I'm sick of putting mine and my children's wants and feelings on the back-burner as to not upset anyone. I'm choosing to be assertive, life's too short not to be. I don't regret my choice, I just wish I didn't care that she's ignoring me. It's rather upsetting

OP posts:
Original poster
Wtsthepoint · 11/07/2023 18:03

When I initially asked her it was over the phone and she was happy to look after him.
When she said she changed her mind it was through text on Sunday evening

OP posts:
Original poster
Wtsthepoint · 11/07/2023 18:04

Stratocumulus · 11/07/2023 17:55

You are not being unreasonable.

The hospital scenario must have been very stressful and seeing your DD upset would be crucifying. Nevertheless, you rescued the situation and are a great mum to realise that one-2 -one mother & daughter time is so precious. Im glad you had a good time in the end and made some happy memories.

As for your unreliable mother in law, you clearly can’t turn to her for support so I’d emotionally kick her into touch and avoid having to ask her for anything in future. No need to declare it, just quietly step back from even thinking of her as a back stop ever again. Get a contingency plan in place with a friend(s) if you can and distance yourself from MIL. She’s nailed her colours to the mast. Just don’t go there.

Thank you, I think you're right, your reply has made me feel better

OP posts:
Verystressedsenmum · 11/07/2023 18:20

It makes me think when you said you’re not usually assertive but stood your ground and said no that she didn’t like it . Do you people normally tell you what to do ?
Your not unreasonable leave her to sulk if she wants your not in the wrong .

Beaconofasseptability · 11/07/2023 18:22

Is he a handful or not?

did you ask her from the get go to mind him for the appointment plus going out with your dd?

Original poster
Wtsthepoint · 11/07/2023 18:49

Not so much tell me what to do, I just usually go along when pressured.
He's an average 2yr old, he's pretty good for the most part. N sort of, the initial agreement was for her to take him while I got the bus, took her to the hospital and grab a couple bits from town (was gonna be rushed to get back for her bringing him back to me)
I wanted it to be just me and dd right from the start, because as I've said, we don't get 1 to 1 time together.
When mil messaged saying she wanted to come with us was so she could rush us home, that's why I said to just leave 2yr old with me after the appointment so I could take my time takin dd shopping for her birthday (we wernt initially even gonna go for lunch, that came about to cheer her up after the hospital)

Maybe i wasnt clear enough from the beginning? Maybe she feels used as a babysitter? Maybe she's as annoyed as me? I mean, I'd prefer it if she just said it rather than ignore me.

I don't think I'll ask her for help again..life's just so difficult with no help from my own family, my 2 youngest wouldn't even recognise my own mum. I suppose that means I should appreciate the help mil does give, and I do but like I said in an earlier post I've gone along with so much just to keep the peace.

OP posts:
stonedaisy · 11/07/2023 22:27

Ugh she sounds self centred. You did just great without her help. I would be looking to go very low contact from now on, this whole thing wasn't about her. How heartless of her to go quiet on you via text. Nob,

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