Partner seeing ex, 9 months pregnant

[Betbop]

Hello, first time poster, long time reader.

My partner is life and soul of the party, adored by huge amounts of people, mischievous, highly intelligent, all in all a lot of fun.

He’s also dishonest. This has been the main theme of our brilliant three year relationship, after finding him out on a string of lies — usually seeing exes, meeting girls at a bar, or just saying he was playing poker when in fact he was at a friend’s drink party. That sort of thing.

I’m the opposite and live for truth, possibly because I was cheated on in the past.

He meets up with an ex to see her daughter, who they co-parented during their year long relationship — the one preceding ours. The daughter is a very troubled girl and she means a lot to him. I’ve been absolutely fine with them seeing each other and am just keen to know. Sometimes he tells me and all is rosy, we chat about how it was.

But I’ve found out they (the mother and daughter and him, but not sure if daughter always there) meet up more regularly than I thought and he never tells me. I imagine them playing families again and it hurts me that I’m kept out the loop. Why are some meetings in secret and others not? It’s made my imagination start to spin.

One in particular upset me as it was in our house when I wasn’t there, working abroad. I had cartoons charged to my Apple account, which was how I found out.

I’m giving birth in a week or two so particularly keen not to start a drama. I think his care for the girl is moving and I like their relationship but my instincts tell me something more is at stake. I have dangerous urges to check his phone — a slippery slope.

Any advice so welcome. Thank you!

How is your relationship “brilliant” if he lies to you all the time? I wouldn’t stand for that nonsense personally. Couldn’t stay with anyone who repeatedly lied to me.

Don’t waste any more time on him. He has zero respect for you.

I'm sorry but this is not a brilliant relationship. Have you told him how you feel about his lies? He needs to prioritise you and his actual child but it doesn't seem like he will.

It's obvious what is going on. You need to let the scales fall from your eyes and see what's really happening right in front of you.

You don't need this with a newborn. What's your housing situation like? do you co-own a property? can you easily get space for yourself and the baby?

Look after your physical and mental well being as best u can. Lies are no good. I would add he wasn't trying to keep the visit a real secret, if the girl's films were charged to ur Apple account, surely he realised that?

How did he parent the girl in a year long relationship, one that ended 3 years ago at least. He isn't doing this for the child, he is doing it because he wants to keep contact with his ex.

Bin him off and see if he shows the same commitment to his own child.

Why did you stay when you learnt he's a liar. That would be a deal breaker for me. Better to bring up the baby alone with good morals than stay with him and accept lies.

Well, you're soon going to find out how dedicated he is as a DP and DF. At this point I think you need to sit him down and lay out your expectations for full-transparency and honesty going forward. You need to make sure he knows that he needs to step up to the plate and be a decent partner. I wouldn't hold my breath though and I'd definitely ensure I kept myself very financially secure and independent in your situation.

Mumsnet never fails to remind me that the bar is low where men are concerned for a lot of women. I put up with a list once; I was 18. Never did again and never will. Please @Betbop - you're worth more than this.

He’s a pathological liar. He meets other women and lies about where we is. What the fuck is ‘brilliant’ about that?

You have chosen a very selfish man for a partner and parent. As you are close to giving birth, I would focus all your energy on yourself and your baby. Your partner will soon enough reveal how committed a father he will become and then you will be in a better place to decide how much you want to tolerate.

I doubt he will ever change, he loves his current lifestyle, will happily lie to you to maintain it and I doubt even his own child could dent his desire to do exactly as he pleases.

I hope you are emotionally supported and financially prepared to go it alone if needed.

He was with his ex for a year and 3 years later is meeting up with the ex and child because he “co-parented”. Did he shite!? He shouldn’t have ever even been introduced before a year. The fact he supposedly “co-parented” after such a short time tells you he does not really give a fuck about this child. Has he even ended the relationship with his ex?

Your life will be miserable with him, leave now.

Why did you choose to have a baby with a dishonest man?

It does sound like a brilliant relationship. What a good idea to have a child.

Cut your losses now op and save yourself from a life constantly checking his facts and leave him.

Can anyone help you following the birth of your child? Better to leave now whilst the baby is small than years down the line.

Dishonesty has been the theme of your brilliant 3 year relationship?

Read that again OP. And keep reading it until it sinks in.

So he has been dishonest over 3 years, a pregnancy is nine months the math's do not add up

FYI your relationship is not brilliant. You are involved with a pathological liar who cheats on you and does whatever the fuck he wants, when he wants. He won’t change. Leave him and demonstrate healthy relationships to your child.

You're getting a lot of judgement here OP which I think is unfair. You are not in the wrong, he is for being dishonest. I agree with @Curseofthenation you need to sit down with him sooner rather than later and lay out your feelings and your expectations going forward. Nothing less than 100% honesty will do.

In the short term you're about to give birth and really need to put you and your baby first. I'm not sure if this is your first baby but if not the first 6 months are hard and so I would get through that before making any long term decisions about the future of your relationship. Lean on family and friends for support as much as poss.

Liars don’t change, they are selfish and manipulative.

Relationships with a liar don’t work, they just erode at your self esteem and make you paranoid.

Yes I'd be at him for that. It's fantastic to co parent well ect but behind your back and in secret? IMO you only hide things if you think it's wrong.

If I'm chatting to someone and feel I need to hide the conversation from my partner, then I think I must not be happy with the interaction if it was the other way around. If things are innocent and explainable then generally you don't need to go behind your partners back.

Have you confronted this behaviour before? I generally give a warning about how behaviours are inappropriate and disrespectful, I tell them it is a deal breaker for me in a relationship so they know where they stand..they either take it on board amend their behaviour to respect me and my boundaries.. do it again when they are aware of my feelings is another double whammy and their out.

You need to get rid op. So many red flags.

This.

Brilliant relationships are not built on lies. You have a crap relationship but are deluded because 'he is the life and soul of the party and everyone adores him'.

Focus on you and your baby for now. Get rest before the birth. Take it easy. You know what’s going on but you need to wait until you are through the birth and up to the first six months of no sleep. Get through this but plan your escape. He has no reason to be meeting up with his ex and her kid. He did not co-parent to the extent that he needs to be there for them. It was a one year relationship. Keep a check on what he’s doing. See what he’s like as a dad to your child. See what happens. If he’s a loser dad and keeps meeting his ex then leave him and be happier without him. He’s tells lies and that isn’t right. Tell him that he must be straight with you. If not then you don’t have to put up with this. Again best off on your own. Take the time from after the birth and recovery to keep a look out on him. Be ready to tackle him once your baby is through the newborn first months stage. Focus on you for now. Rest up. You’ll soon meet your baby and that will be wonderful. Wishing you well.

Wow! A man that lies to you constantly and puts himself first! Brilliant!

I'm going to dump my fiercely loyal and honest husband who constantly puts me and our daughter before anything else and find me a lying piece of scum to spend the rest of my life wondering where he is. /s