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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for help with my confidence

10 replies

Yoyonono · 10/07/2023 21:39

I have lost a lot of confidence. I used to be quite extroverted and outspoken/chatty/bubbly. But now I am shy and awkward and lost my nerve a lot. It is impacting on my life a lot and restricting me in my life.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 10/07/2023 21:48

Can you pinpoint what changed? Was there one incident or something that happened over a period in your life that you can see caused it?

What situations do you feel less confident in? Is it everywhere, or just at work, meeting new people etc?

Original poster
Yoyonono · 10/07/2023 21:56

Just socially in general totally lost my nerve. An abusive relationship, becoming a parent carer, some health problems and a lot of time being quite socially isolated. I just feel so clumsy socially like I'm out of practice, but practice doesn't seem to be helping really I'm much more sociable now just feel really anxious and awkward and fumble my words.
I'm always messing things up or not managing things as well as other people, well maybe they feel that inside but mine shows on the outside. A lot of people infantilise me or totally overlook me, and if not it's being noticed for the wrong reasons (making a mess of things or being odd)
I used to find making friends really easy now I'm just weird and do things like eat too fast or talk with my mouth full if eating with people (even though I never normally do that) or laugh lots at my own jokes. I make myself cringe

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoyonono · 10/07/2023 21:58

I want to start building a proper career for myself, be a better advocate for my child and maybe meet a new partner. I just am so embarrassed by myself socially now, when it used to come easily

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 10/07/2023 22:01

Have you had any sort of counselling for your experiences? An abusive relationship, becoming a carer, health issues...its a lot to deal with. If you can afford some therapy they can help you start to overcome these issues. If you can't afford private, ask for help from your GP to resolve the anxiety with counselling (you'll have to wait, but will be worth it)

Keep practising being sociable and don't hide away. I think you probably come across better than you think, but your anxiety is heightening things and you're focusing on the bad.

Dacadactyl · 10/07/2023 22:01

Maybe try volunteering too cos there's less pressure.

Original poster
Yoyonono · 10/07/2023 22:07

I have had a fair bit of counselling and also attend support groups. I just feel like maybe I need to be taught how to be sociable again if that makes sense?
I definitely am awkward, it's been pulled up that I need to work on my confidence and people skills if I want to proceed in my career choice, which has made it much worse tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yoyonono · 10/07/2023 22:10

I'm not in the position to volunteer at the moment but would love to. I'm working on sorting things out with my DC so it will be a possibility. Maybe it's just going to take a while and I'm expecting everything to happen more quickly.
I used to be able to talk to anyone and now I really struggle. I just don't feel confident in that way anymore. Probably just need to accept that the things I've been through have changed me, I am less relaxed around people, more guarded, less trusting, and also a lot more tired and got a lot more on my plate so often a hot mess as well

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 10/07/2023 22:14

Yoyonono · 10/07/2023 22:07

I have had a fair bit of counselling and also attend support groups. I just feel like maybe I need to be taught how to be sociable again if that makes sense?
I definitely am awkward, it's been pulled up that I need to work on my confidence and people skills if I want to proceed in my career choice, which has made it much worse tbh.

For your people skills to have been commented on...are you in work? Does your work offer any sort of mentoring etc?

I can understand where you're coming from to a degree. I think it is just a matter of keeping on practising. Do you have any friends or siblings IRL who you can confide in about how you're feeling?

BunnyBettChetwynd · 10/07/2023 22:27

It sounds as though you've been through an awful lot and lots of change too recently and haven't had much time to relax and just be yourself.

One thing is for sure, you are not alone with this. I think we all got a bit out of the habit of being with people, especially new people during covid.

What I find helps is being in a group where being social isn't the point of the group. If I know I'm there to socialise and make chit chat I do the whole hot mess thing too, so to get myself going after covid I joined two groups with a point. One is Slimming World (not that I'm saying you need Slimming World - I do!) where there's a group leader, a subject we all share and so we have a mutual interest to discuss. I find it less intimidating as though less is expected of me so I relax and can be me. The other is a gardening club - same situation and much easier than having to make small talk over a drink.

You can and will get where you want to be, you just need time and practice. I wish you well OP and hope you're soon back to your lovely, bubbly, chatty self.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 23:06

To practise social skills, a good idea is to chat to people in shops /service staff more- focus on making other people feel welcome and listened to.
You should also watch Matthew hussey videos on YouTube - the main topic is often love life but a lot of the advice is good for human interactions in general

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